This particular blog is any review beginning with A through M that I wasn't able to publish in the first A through M blog for some reason. I tried everything, from trying to recreate the blog from scratch, to combining this and the N through Z one, and nothing worked until I decided to create this separate one for any title beginning with A through M. The other one is still available to peruse as well. I hope this doesn't cause confusion for anyone that actually does read this, but it's not hard to figure out!
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A
The Addams Family OK/G
I wasn’t 100% enthused to see this due to being another
tie-in and that the animation looked too modern (meaning “crappy” in my eyes). Yes, the animation was very modern, but this
update featuring the “creepy, kooky, mysterious, spooky, and altogether ooky”
family actually wasn’t that bad. I
noticed more homages to Tim Burton films than anything else, although it
definitely didn’t look Burtonesque (again, the modern animation), such as Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, Frankenweenie, and even a slight nod to Sleepy Hollow, but it all somehow seemed to work as opposed to
ripping any of it off. The message of
overcoming differences and realizing everyone can coexist is definitely stale
but will never be irrelevant as long as we are all different and differences are
what make us unique (blah, blah, blah, although a very true statement). It’s definitely not a perfect film, too silly
at times for me, but a lot better than I thought it would be. 1/24/2020
Aileen Wuornos: American Boogeywoman EH
(haiku review)
It’s not quite Monster.
More of a prequel to it.
Insufficient film. 10/25/2021
Air Strike B
(haiku review)
Japs invade China.
Dubbed here and there, poorly though.
Paycheck, Bruce? This
blew! 2/7/2019Alien Xmas G
The Chiodo Brothers are most famous for giving us Killer Klowns from Outer Space, but they
were also involved in Critters 1-4, Ernest Scared Stupid (you’ll notice some
of the clowns from Killer Klowns
transformed into trolls if you pay attention), and parts of Elf and Pee-wee’s Big Adventure.
This new stop-motion animated film available on Netflix is based on a
book of the same name co-authored by Stephen Chiodo (also the director here;
his brothers were involved in other ways).
It involves aliens, looking exactly how one would generally envision
them (pointy chin, round dome, black eyes), planning on stealing everything
from Earth after building a machine enabling them to do so. An alien named X is sent to complete this
mission (at the North Pole) and I probably don’t have to tell you it becomes a
bit cutesy by the end. Isn’t that what
the holidays are all about though? Blah,
blah, blah. I still enjoyed it, because
it’s aliens man!!! And it’s a Christmas
movie! And it’s nice to look at! Plus it’s barely even 40-minutes. 11/22/2020
Allegoria EH
Remember Powerman 5000? That industrial/nu-metal band from the Nineties fronted by Spider One a.k.a. Rob Zombie’s little brother? He directed this anthology film of sorts (available on Shudder) wherein a bunch of different artists (such as a painter, actor, screenwriter, and musician) encounter something horrific. The segments are all connected รก la Trick ‘r Treat. At barely even 70-minutes, it all largely feels pointless, barely giving me enough time to warm up to most of the characters. Spider, much like his big bro, definitely has style, but if he wants to be known as a musician and filmmaker like his big bro, his next feature needs to be better than this. 11/2/2022
All Eyes OK/G
[POTENTIAL SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW]
After being fired for a certain incident on his podcast, a dude takes an offer for a decent sum of cash. The offer? Tell this one man’s story about claims of a monster living in the woods near his home in Oklahoma. First he has to meet this guy at the post office in town. Then he has to follow him a ways before being told to hop in his truck blindfolded to avoid knowing where he lives. That’s not suspicious at all! He lives in the middle of nowhere, the house being booby-trapped inside and out, he claiming to forget where some of the traps may be. Yeah, this dude’s not off his rocker! He actually ends up not being the one you need to worry about. Our protagonist eventually labels the house “the escape room from Hell,” and it wouldn’t be out of place in Maximum Overdrive. I wasn’t sure if I should reveal whether there is actually a monster and if we do get to see it, but there is one and you do see it briefly at the end and I wasn’t a fan. Otherwise, this movie generally isn’t that bad for not getting any known exposure (I stumbled across it by accident when searching for other movies). I really didn’t know what to expect. There is a bit of suspense with a few surprises in store. 1/20/2023
AlRawabi School for
Girls G
Netflix limited series from Jordan involving high school
girls bullying each other. This is
probably the first thing I saw from Jordan if I’m not mistaken; that does mean
it’s mostly subtitled, in Arabic, and “mostly” means that a few parts (not
many) are spoken in English (if they know the language, why isn’t it all in
just one?). And limited series, which is
what it is labeled as, might mean it will only be these six episodes ranging
somewhere between the 40 and 50-minute mark, totaling a little less than five hours. Anyway, I grew up in a time when we didn’t
have social media and word-of-mouth is what was mostly used to ruin people’s
lives. It still absolutely can be used
to hurt people, in addition to other means, but social media has certainly made
it a lot easier. It should go without
saying, but this series proves bullying will always exist no matter where
you’re from as long as there are people.
The girls in this school are mean (I’d say they give the ones in Mean Girls and Carrie a run for their money, which are just two movies I was
reminded of while watching). It all
starts when three popular girls make up a lie that gets one girl in trouble,
and, naturally, this girl plans on getting even with them. Of course this causes problems for everyone
involved. To be a teenager, especially a
teenage girl (whatever, boys ruin lives too, it’s just not talked about as
much, nor portrayed as much; as someone once said, you shouldn’t compare
suffering). This limited series may not
feel too original, but what the hell is these days?, but it does portray a raw
glimpse of high school not much different than an American one, and, for the
most part, is the most entertaining teen series (or movie, for that matter)
I’ve seen in a while. 9/1/2021
American Horror
Stories (Season 1)
Spin-off anthology series of American Horror Story consisting of seven episodes ranging from
38-49 minutes each (technically six episodes if you count the first two as one,
five if you want to be even more technical since the last episode ties in with
the first two). I’ve watched every
season of AHS so far and plan on checking
the newly-released Double Feature out
and can say I liked every season enough besides Hotel, Cult, and Apocalypse to call myself somewhat of a
fan. I do love my anthology shows/movies
too, so naturally I wanted to check this out.
This season was just okay. I
probably liked the first two connected episodes, “Rubber(wo)Man Part One and
Part Two,” the best, which was a spin-off of Murder House (season one of AHS). Now, you don’t necessarily need to have seen Murder House or re-watch it to see these
episodes since the basic theme is repeated for you. “Drive In” was a rather stale apocalyptic
tale set up like a zombie film (they aren’t zombies though, at least not in the
traditional sense), the reasons for which occurring after a film is shown. Surprising this episode was rather ordinary
considering Eduardo Sanchez, most famous for The Blair Witch Project, directed it. “The Naughty List” may never achieve the same
status as Tales from the Crypt’s “And
All Through the House,” but it’s a decent Christmas horror episode once the
ball finally gets rolling, featuring a killer Santa played by a recognizable
actor. “Ba’al” was just an okay, not
exactly fresh, segment involving the titular demon, while “Feral” reminded me
too much of Wayward Pines and a bit
of a Wrong Turn film, only not as
good as either; the ending was somewhat of a kicker though. Lastly, “Game Over” pretty much just
references the first two episodes, Murder
House, as well as the rest of the AHS
series, but the video game created was pretty cool. I didn’t truly dislike any of these episodes
(“Drive In” being the worst), but none I can exactly call great. Season two has been confirmed and you should
know that means I’ll likely, probably definitely, continue…8/27/2021
American Horror Stories (Season 2)
You can check out my review for the previous season of this anthology spinoff series available on FX and Hulu here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/08/the-conjuring-3american-horror-stories.html. This season contains 8 episodes all minimally 40-minutes but under 50. I can’t exactly say any of these episodes were great, but my favorite was probably the first one, “Dollhouse,” involving kidnapped women tested for a specific purpose; it ends up being a prequel to a certain AHS season. “Aura” is about a security system that allows dead people to communicate with the living, and really just ends up being a fairly run-of-the-mill ghost story. Twists have been used time and time again wherein they aren’t too much of a shock anymore, even if I may not predict them beforehand (trust me, there isn’t much I haven’t seen given all that I’ve watched and read). Needless to say, I need to be entertained before the twist since it’s so easy to tack one on to a rather dull story thinking it will instantly make it better (and enable repeat viewings). That was the problem with episodes “Drive” and “Bloody Mary,” the former involving a married woman in an open relationship believing one of her flings is out to get her, the latter involving the titular urban legend and wishes that come with a price. “Milkmaids” was a decent 18th-century tale involving curses, cannibalism, and paranoia stemming from speculations, but ends up overstaying its welcome a bit by having one thing after another occurring; some parts were actually icky too. “Facelift” which, at first, reminded me a bit of Death Becomes Her and The Eye involves an older woman yearning to look younger; eventually we learn her plastic surgeon has a sinister plan for her; decent when all is said and done, even if it felt overly familiar. “Necro” contains a rather twisted romance between (yes) two living people and was probably one of the better ones, while the final episode, “Lake,” has all the fix-ins for a standard revenge-beyond-the-grave tale---family history involving murder, truth coming to light, evil character getting what they deserve; I did like the scene at the end when certain beings came out of the water. All in all, not a great collection, middling if that (at least half of them decent, the others not completely terrible), but anthology shows often have a possibility of being hit or miss regardless of budget and talent. And how original can you truly be anymore? 9/11/2022
American Horror Story: Double Feature
Season 10 of this series presents two different storylines as the title suggests. The first six of the ten episodes, entitled Red Tide, takes place in Massachusetts near the beach in what appears to be the off-season. There is a black pill, currently the drug of choice on the streets, that will either bring out your talents and make you successful or turn you into a vampire-like creature if you have no talents (what a kick in the face for those without talent!). This part of the season wasn’t bad, far from great, and the dreary New England setting certainly worked in its favor. I liked it better than the second part of the season, Death Valley, an alien tale set in the Southwest that takes place in the past (roughly between the Fifties and Seventies) and the present. It has its moments and ends rather bleakly, but I didn’t particularly care for either timeline (the past involving presidents and the present involving a facility that conducts a specific experiment). It definitely probably looked better on paper, and I guess I should be grateful it was only 4 of the 10 episodes. Overall, this wasn’t the best season, but I wouldn’t tell you not to watch it, especially if you’ve watched up to this season. There is gore in both parts and you’ll recognize several faces (both in the series and not) in both, and it was neat they presented it as a double feature like Grindhouse theatres of yore, but I don’t think I can add it to the list of my favorite seasons so far (those being Murder House, Asylum, Coven, Freak Show, and Roanoke). 10/23/2021
The Amityville Curse EH
(haiku review)
New film on Tubi.
Another Amityville?!
Yes, it sucked. Shocker! 6/8/2023
The Amityville Murders OK
According to Wikipedia, this is the 23rd film involving that haunted house on 112 Ocean Avenue in Amityville, New York. This is essentially a remake of Amityville II: The Possession which was actually what the allegedly true story was based on, making it a prequel to the first film released in 1979. Not only was Amityville II the first one I saw, but also one of the first horror movies I saw and it freaked me the hell out as a young kid, realizing years later what movie it actually was. This one wasn’t as creepy (of course I’m much older now though and probably wouldn’t think The Possession was creepy either if I saw it for the first time now), but it does give the DeFeo family more characterization, albeit of a stereotypical Italian-American family. Those that have never seen an Amityville movie (I, myself, haven’t even seen half of those 23) or aren’t too familiar with the allegedly true story may enjoy this (it’s surprisingly well-made), but, to me, this is simply just another remake that could never make me forget the original (for both nostalgic and first impression reasons). 5/7/2019
Among the Living EH
(haiku review)
Fresh subgenre take?
Nope, not really; not to me.
Standard zombie flick. 1/20/2023
Anna and the
Apocalypse OK/G
Another zombie movie?
Yes, indeedy. It’s also a
Christmas movie (at least it takes place during the season, but that absolutely
makes it count). It’s also a musical
(some songs wouldn’t be out of place in a Disney tween musical; some catchy). It’s also a teen movie. It takes place in Scotland. So who exactly is this movie for? It was marketed towards horror fans as a
zombie Christmas musical and I imagine horror fans are rather open-minded in
terms of the genre (I know I am, to a degree).
It’s ultimately a zombie movie, but there’re enough songs to make it
just as much of a musical. It’s fun and
gory (there’s a bowling alley too), but it is a fairly standard zombie movie in
that regard (aren’t the majority of them, if not all, anymore?). I will let time dictate whether this becomes
a cult classic though, especially during the holiday season, and I might like
it better a second time (or third) if so.
For now though, I will say it’s the best Scottish zombie Christmas
musical teen movie I’ve seen. 10/2/2019
Annabelle Comes Home G
Annabelle 3? Yes, chronologically too as it takes place
after the second film (Creation) and
the first film which was technically the second one. It takes place after The Conjuring too (which exists in the same universe) and I’m not
exactly sure before, during, or after The
Conjuring 2, but whatever, this is a review, not a synopsis, and I don’t
think it’s mandatory to view any of those films beforehand, but it might be
wise. I was initially disappointed with Annabelle since I expected an evil doll
movie and was actually a demonic movie reminiscent of Rosemary’s Baby. The titular
doll is simply just present in each film and attracts evil spirits. I’ve learned to appreciate the first film
more as a demonic one instead of an evil doll one though. Annabelle: Creation was better than Annabelle and not only because I knew
not to expect an evil doll movie, but because it was an effectively made
haunted house movie (check out my review in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). This was also a well-shot haunted house film seemingly
tailored for horror fans, fans of the Annabelle
films or not. Sure, there are jump
scares that are more annoying than frightening (anyone living and breathing is naturally
going to react when the music is suddenly amplified), but I don’t recall ever disliking
it at any time. I liked it better than Annabelle (only because I wasn’t
disappointed with this the first time) but not better than Annabelle: Creation. I’m giving it a mild recommendation for
indiscriminate horror fans and those that are going to see it anyway, but I
suggest you see it in the theater or at night with no lights on being there’s a
significant amount of dark scenes (I, for one, can’t stand that glare or
reflection in my TV during the daytime).
7/1/2019
Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made G
Another Wolf Cop EH/OK
I think Wolf Cop
is one word with the “C” still capitalized, but whatever. Leo Fafard returns as the titular being in
addition to some of the same cast members, and the same director of the first
is behind this sequel. I did enjoy Wolf Cop; it was a flawed yet fun
horror-comedy with more emphasis on the comedy.
This one had its moments, particularly in the beginning and end when the
lycanthropic officer doles out some bloody violence, but it was a bit too silly this time, ultimately
suffering from sequel-itis; not even an appearance from Kevin Smith
worked. It wasn’t quite silly in the
vein of Teen Wolf; well, they’re both
silly in different ways, I just don’t remember the Michael J. Fox film being
gory or containing any other creatures.
It also felt slightly inconclusive before the end credits revealed Wolf
Cop will return. I hate to say it, but I
don’t think we need another Wolf Cop; I don’t think we even needed
this one. 1/13/2020
Antebellum G
Ads I saw for this film upon its initial release indicated
there was a twist. Now, sometimes I like
knowing that beforehand since it gives me something to look forward to, but
other times I wish it wouldn’t be disclosed (as much as humanly possible) so I
wouldn’t try figuring it out (and many times I end up being right, like I sort
of was here). There’s a twist in the
beginning, but the bigger twist comes at the end and I think I might’ve been
more surprised had I not known there was going to be one. The final twist arguably made it a darker
film than it initially appeared. Why am
I mentioning the twist if I myself wish it wouldn’t have been disclosed? Well, if you’ve seen ads like me, you’ve
likely heard there was a twist, and the film actually managed to still be
adequately entertaining. It only
received 2 out of 5 stars on All Movie and only 28% out of 162 critics on
Rotten Tomatoes, so apparently it didn’t do too well. All I can say is to go in without any
knowledge that a twist is coming (if you possibly can), but, then again, I knew
there was a twist coming, kind of figured it out, and still kind of enjoyed it,
so check it out and decide for yourself.
11/6/2020
If you are a horror fan and read up on any kind of horror
news, chances are you’ve heard of this film.
If not, or you are not a horror fan, I’m glad to be the source you hear
about it from (more so if you like it, of course). It begins and ends as a mockumentary
regarding a faux film titled Antrum
that “came out” in the late Seventies and why it was dubbed The Deadliest Film Ever Made. A curse was supposedly attached to the film
itself that proved fatal for some of its viewers and we’re presented with a “found
copy” of the film, thus making the bulk of this feature the movie itself
involving a young brother and sister trying to enter Hell in order to get their
recently deceased dog back. To get to
Hell, they go into the woods to the exact spot where the devil was allegedly
cast out of heaven and start digging.
Now, when I heard this involved the devil and Hell, I was instantly
curious. I don’t believe in Satan, mind
you, I’m just fascinated with all the mythology surrounding it (being a horror
nut, are you really surprised?). Put it
this way, I’m not going to say there’s no Heaven or Hell (I lean more towards
agnostic than atheist), but I won’t believe in any kind of afterlife or deity
until I see it with my own eyes (yes, seeing is believing). Anyway, this film appeared to be Satanic at
times, but I thought it was equally, if not more of, a backwoods horror flick
in the vein of The Texas Chainsaw
Massacre and such. Fitting since it
“came out” around the time such movies were popular and right before the
Satanic Panic of the Eighties. There’s a
demonic goathead contraption that reminded me very much of The Wicker Man, but I liked it better than either version’s figure
and it could very well become iconic.
The film itself also looks very much like it could’ve been made in the
Seventies and had I come across it separated from this feature, I might’ve
thought it actually came out during that time and isn’t too bad on its
own. It is flawed for sure, like many of
its actual ilk, but I was intrigued more often than not. 11/26/2019
Aquarium of the Dead OK
Undead sea creatures.
Yes…they include sharks, dolphins, crabs, an octopus, starfish (uh-huh),
and gators. [I don’t remember ever
seeing alligators or crocodiles in an aquarium, but I haven’t been to every
aquarium in the world either. I have
seen hippos at one though]. You will, of
course, learn why these creatures became zombies. The creature designs aren’t the greatest, but
I’ve seen worse. I wouldn’t tell you to
see this right away, or even at all, but it’s really not as bad as I thought it
would be; I’ve seen worse. The majority
of characters make it somewhat worth watching.
9/21/2021
Aquaslash OK/G
A graduating class spends the weekend at a water park. After a passable double-murder in the
beginning, not much happens for a while other than people fighting and doing
typical slasher/body count movie stuff, or just teen movie stuff. It’s worth the wait for gorehounds once the
water slide death occurs, because I’m not exaggerating when I say it is very
gory! The acting may not be the greatest
at times, but what do you expect for this type of movie, entitled Aquaslash no less? And it’s barely over an hour, so I’m going to
recommend it for the indiscriminate horror fan, especially when it comes to
slasher/body count movies. 2/13/2021
Arbor Day EH/OK
What “holiday” hasn’t been tackled by the horror genre yet, namely the slasher? I don’t believe Labor Day has; research gave me nothing (let me know otherwise). This slasher spoof was actually released in 1990 (which explains the look since it actually came out around that time instead of emulating it) and I recently saw it was available to view now (I watched it on Tubi). This is as spoofy as it gets and, mind you, there weren’t an abundance of horror spoofs at the time (I thought it actually came out now while watching; I can’t believe I never even heard of it). It is still a slasher movie though; people do die. The violence is largely over-the-top; not on a Terrifier level, more of the really, really low-budget variety. One part involving “things” ripped out of a man’s stomach went on a bit longer than it should have, said scene may or may not have been a nod to Jaws (there was a nod to Citizen Kane in the beginning and end, a much-lauded movie I personally don’t think is that great). I actually didn’t hate this barely 80-minute film, but I still would’ve preferred it be a strictly serious slasher feature, real bear included (yeah, there’s a bear---a man in a costume---which the young boy acknowledges is a man in a costume at first, that attacks his parents on---you guessed it---Arbor Day, thus causing his catatonia before going on a killing spree years later). Then again, there are slasher movies intended to be serious that are horrendous. Whatever…4/29/2023
Are You Afraid of the
Dark?: Curse of the
Shadows OK/G
I was a bit bummed that the revival of this show (one of my
favorite shows of all time) wasn’t going to be in line with the original
format. It looks as if it’s going to be
an anthology series, like American Horror Story, as opposed to an
anthology show. I wasn’t too much a fan of the first season,
I just remember being disappointed by the end, but I liked this season better,
this time containing six episodes as opposed to just three. Perhaps that’s why the first season failed
since it may have felt rushed and there wasn’t as much time to invest in
it? Many of the original show’s episodes
under a half hour gave us enough time to invest though, and wouldn’t more
episodes this season (all at least 40 minutes) mean it could overstay its
welcome? I don’t know, whatever. This season wasn’t superb as far as
storytelling standards go, but it wasn’t bad in regards to kiddie horror
standards while allowing us ample time to get to know all the characters. Some of the more easily frightened viewers,
both young and old, may even, or likely will, be scared of the Shadow Man, a
supernatural entity that can only attack in the dark. Now available to binge since the season just
ended (yes, this is one of those shows in which an episode was released weekly---get
with the times!). 3/22/2021
Army of the Dead EH/OK
In case you’ve heard/read nothing about this new Netflix
movie, it’s a heist/zombie movie wherein a group of people are tasked with
entering Las Vegas (which has been bordered off to contain zombies within) to
retrieve a large sum of money with promises of a reward before the city is
blown to smithereens in a few days. Zack
Snyder was at the helm, who was behind a bunch of superhero movies, but also
the passable Dawn of the Dead remake,
so he’s dabbled with the undead before (it was also his feature film directing
debut). Did this need to be 2 ½
hours? Hell no! I don’t think most movies need to be that
long. It wasn’t necessarily boring in
the general sense, but it certainly felt as long as it was; I thought it was
over 40 minutes before it actually was!
It is more of a zombie movie than a heist one, and I actually liked it
better before they entered Sin City when we got to know all the characters;
this ultimately felt like a subpar Resident
Evil film (didn’t at least one of those take place in Vegas as well?). There’s a group of undead that are more
“intelligent” than other mindless gut-munchers, they don’t talk though, just
grunt, and their existence is infinitely more silly than frightening. There was a zombie tiger and horse that were
pretty cool, plus a pretty cool mauling by the tiger that would’ve impressed me
whether the big cat was a zombie or not.
That’s really all that stood out in this overlong heist/zombie film that
was fairly standard in regards to both genres.
5/21/2021
Asylum G
I usually try to reserve this blog for more recent fare, but
I never saw this anthology film from 1972 until now after seeing it posted on
social media (keep informing me!). Yes,
I always amaze myself at what I haven’t seen and still wonder what I have yet
to see (or just never got around to seeing).
I’m especially surprised I haven’t seen this before considering I love
anthology films, love Seventies movies, and the segments were based on stories
by Robert Bloch (most famous for penning Psycho). There are four tales contained amongst a
wraparound story which is arguably a tale itself tied in with one of them. A potential hire arrives at an asylum and is
tasked with meeting the inmates (providing each segment) before answering a
question that will be the determining factor for his employment. You’ll recognize the one guy from A Clockwork Orange (Patrick Magee). “Frozen Fear” involves an unfaithful husband
that can’t seem to successfully get rid of his wife. It works despite being slightly silly and
audiences must have thought it was innovative at the time. “The Weird Tailor” is about a
down-on-his-luck (you guessed it…) tailor tasked with making a suit, initially
unbeknownst to him, containing a rather specific quality; Peter Cushing
appears. “Lucy Comes to Stay” stars
Charlotte Rampling and would be far from fresh nowadays, but it’s still an
effective yarn and the only one I recalled reading the short story for while
watching (it was largely faithful from recollection). Finally, “Mannikins of Horror” ties in with
the wraparound segment and involves a patient making lifelike dolls that
wouldn’t seem out of place in a Puppet
Master film. Let’s just say the
dolls look lifelike for a reason and things don’t turn out so well for the
dollmaker and someone else in the asylum.
Afterwards, I read “Mannikins of Horror” and “Frozen Fear” from my
Robert Bloch collection (The Complete Stories of Robert Bloch: Final Reckonings), “The Weird Tailor” not
being contained within, and, like “Lucy Comes to Stay,” the adaptations are
largely faithful; I, myself, liked “Mannikins” better in print and “Frozen
Fear” better visually. This film is
largely bloodless, but I can expect it given the time of release, and implied
violence, as evidenced here, can sometimes suffice. All in all, I didn’t dislike any of the
segments even though they may not have felt
fresh (this was released in 1972 after all), but given all that I’ve seen in my
lifetime, anthology films or otherwise, this film was entirely passable viewed
through a 2020 mindset. I’m still amazed
I haven’t seen it until now! 7/7/2020
Autumn Road OK
Horror drama I had a love-hate relationship with. Its very indie quality is what gives it its charm. This looks like a real small town with very real people. Let’s see, it includes a haunted attraction, twin brothers that run the attraction after their father passed, a girl returning to this small town, and it takes place around the Halloween season (during more than one time period). Plus there’s a pretty nifty owl mask (not quite like the one in Stage Fright though) worn by one of the twin brothers, who is obviously psycho. Sounds like the ingredients for a decent film, no? The ingredients are really all it entails, because this film doesn’t really involve much when you truly think about it. Oh, that girl returning home had a sister that went missing years ago on Halloween, but we as an audience see what happened to her in the beginning. The haunted attraction scenes we did get glimpses of seemed pretty spiffy, but I wish more time was spent on it. Like I said, there is somewhat of an appeal to this indie horror drama, while, at the same time, it’s really not that great of a film. Time may tell if it ages better, but for an indie horror drama done well, check out Lightning Bug, an example that comes to mind first. 11/24/2021
B
The Babysitter: Killer Queen EH
The Babysitter,
released in 2017, was a decent gory fun film involving a young boy and his
satanic babysitter (you can read my review for it in the
archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com).
That boy, Cole, is 2 years older (according to this film) and deals with
the same shenanigans, more or less, at a lake instead of his house. It would be wise to watch the first one
before this if you haven’t already (both are available on Netflix), not only
because this sequel assumes you already saw it, but because you should stop
there and not even bother with this one.
Unfortunately, I can’t describe this sequel the same way I did the first
in the first sentence above. Well, it is
gory, but the gore was a bit too over-the-top for me, not in any way impressive. Fun?
Let’s just say there were way too many poor attempts at humor, meaning
annoyingly unfunny wherein I didn’t even laugh internally. Well, there was one time I recall laughing
but it wasn’t hilarious in the slightest and I could’ve stifled the laugh if I
really wanted to. I was so unimpressed
with this unnecessary sequel that I couldn’t wait for it to be over before the
halfway mark! Sorry, the novelty already
wore itself thin after just 2 movies.
Have I gotten through to you, McG?
Please don’t make any more of these films. I said please! 9/11/2020
The Baby-Sitters Club: Season One OK/G
The Back Pages: Season One EH/OK
Bad Candy OK/G
New horror anthology film just in time for the Halloween season. It takes place on Halloween night in a town
called New Salem and the wraparound segment features Corey Taylor (singer of
Slipknot and Stone Sour) and Zach Galligan (Gremlins,
Gremlins 2, Hatchet III, etc.) as radio hosts spinning the tales we’re presented
with. They’re all interconnected, at
least they feature people in this town, and a clown (pretty gnarly too) makes
an appearance in each one. I think that
clown needs its own movie; I mean, it turned people into dolls…how
pumpkinfucking cool is that?! The tales
include a girl that can create monsters just by drawing them, a man putting
certain things in candy (“Always check your candy,” as the age-old saying
goes), a woman doing something unethical at work, a haunted house that somehow
merges the past and present, and a group of men that capture and put people
through an ordeal; there are at least two other ones too. This film wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad
either; it’s not quite like Trick ‘r
Treat, but that clown (the credits indicated its name might’ve been Bad
Candy?) just might give Sam a run for his money (might, I said). In all fairness, I didn’t love Trick ‘r Treat until the second or third
viewing, so this might get better with age.
I’ll probably watch it again, just not this year, and I’ll recommend it
(at least once) for those that like horror movies, anthology films, and
Halloween, and even clowns, especially if you desire something new to check out
this holiday season. 9/20/2021
Bad CGI Gator OK
At least they were upfront with the title of this roughly 58-minute film. [A feature film, according to at least three different institutions, runs longer than 40-minutes; SAG, however, states a movie must be at least 60-minutes. Therefore, SAG would consider this a short film]. There was another movie called Bad CGI Sharks (my review for it is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/04/sharksploitation-time.html), but this wasn’t created by the same people, much like Cocaine Bear and Cocaine Shark weren’t from the same people. The plot? A group of college kids (three boys, three girls) go to a cabin by a lake somewhere in Southern Georgia (filmed in Atlanta and somewhere in Ohio) and are gradually eaten by the titular creature. Is the CGI gator actually bad? Why, of course! Would the filmmakers lie to us? It isn’t the worst I’ve seen though, and I’ve seen my fair share of these types of movies wherein the creators were likely attempting to make a serious feature (the rest of the film is actually well-shot, there being worthy POV and location shots). The gator starts off small, and what causes it to grow is laughably ridiculous, resultantly obtaining other abilities as well somehow. I found myself LOL-ing a couple times due to the utter (and obviously expected) asinine-ery presented. Am I recommending this? I don’t think recommend is exactly the right word, because the curious (like moi) are strictly going to watch it out of curiosity, so, I guess if you don’t mind watching cheesy natural horror flicks with bad CGI that you know are going to be bad beforehand, it wouldn’t hurt to check it out at least once (it will only take up barely an hour of your time to quell that curiosity!). One thing is certain…I definitely enjoyed this more than the three-hour film also reviewed in this blog entry, and that was/is nominated for so many praiseworthy awards! 2/26/2024
Bad CGI Sharks B/EH
Promo art for this film contains a quote stating “the
ultimate answer to all those bad shark movies.”
If only that statement were actually true! There’s a clip in the beginning of a slasher
spoof with the shark as the killer and, sadly, that was the best part of the
movie. Fourth-wall breaking has become
old hat and often unamusing, even for parodies.
Parodies themselves have become old hat.
I think this is supposed to be a parody of sharksploitation films, at
least the title is very forthright in pointing out the primary fault of the
subgenre, but it was really just a story about two estranged brothers
reconnecting while a shark movie script they wrote as kids comes to life (a
similar concept was done better in another sharksploitation film called Santa Jaws). The entire film plays out on land, mind you,
even when the story concludes at the beach.
The primary CGI shark isn’t even that bad either and might’ve actually
been passable in an actual sharksploitation movie. The shark wasn’t given enough screen time nor
much to do (mostly just floating in the air), in addition to the only other
three CGI sharks that were cute cartoony types.
The aforementioned promo art features a giant shark eating a freeway in
the city---now that would’ve been fun to watch!
The solution was so obvious and I thought someone would’ve brought
attention to it much sooner than the ending.
Also, the “twist” at the end, if it even was a twist, was blatant right
away. I understand these types of movies
aren’t intended to be taken seriously (this film supposedly being a parody of
those films), but I can’t play along if I’m not having fun. There are so many ways this concept could’ve
been utilized amusingly, such as the giant shark eating the freeway, but the
film is ultimately just an empty waste. 4/3/2020
Bad Hair EH/OK
The setting is Los Angeles, 1989. A black woman gets a weave, a.k.a. hair
extensions using someone else’s hair, after a recommendation (more of a hint)
by her new boss. If this film is any
indication, a weave looks fucking painful to get. I know representation is representation, and
I certainly can’t speak for black women, but I’m not sure this is the best film
to be proud of for representation. In
true cheesy horror fashion, like a decent amount of films from the era it takes
place in, this Hulu film is completely asinine.
Hair, of the weave variety, has a life of its own and a taste for
blood. Yes, you read that right. I can’t recommend this film, as my rating indicates,
but, at the same time, I kind of am (hence the partial OK rating) because you
should see it at least once just to say you did (I guess). Plus, I don’t recall ever seeing the
extremely inane concept done before, so I give it a little credit for that,
much like you kind of have to laud Rubber
for being the first film featuring a killer tire (regardless of how you felt
about it)! 2/10/2021
The Banana Splits Movie G
Barbarian OK
I thought the preview looked good, and I really wanted to see it after so many horror fans/publications recommended it. I really need to stop looking forward to movies based on other opinions and/or expectations. This has 4 out of 5 stars on the All Movie site and currently a 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes out of 131 critics. Did they all see the same movie? Have they seen enough movies? This is a classic example of a movie that starts off really good and gets several notches worse once all is revealed. I really fucking hate when that shit happens! In it, a young woman travels to a house in a decrepit neighborhood (we don’t know that at first since she arrives at night while raining) to stay for an interview in the area. When she arrives the key isn’t in the lockbox and we learn a young man (Bill Skarsgard) booked the same place. That’s not suspicious, especially in a horror movie. There is more to the story than that and we eventually (and expectedly) learn this house contains more than meets the eye within. Like I said, this started off really good with a strong sense of dread, despite that shady beginning and characters doing stupid things you mentally criticize them for, but the last third ruined it for me. I was hoping this was going to be a really good movie based on the first two-thirds, and based on what was said about it. The reveals felt clichรฉd (as disturbing as some may have been) and somewhat laughable despite a serious tone. It was predictable at times too (eye-rollingly so). If anything, wait to watch this really cheap (or free), but don’t expect much (that way you might not be as disappointed as I was). 9/20/2022Barbie EH/OK
Yes, I was curious. I made a mental bet to how many times (if any) and when Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” would be played; it plays at least once, but not quite how you expect. Anyway, I had an urge to shut it off in the beginning, but, one, my OCD usually doesn’t allow that no matter how much I want to (and should), and two, the curiosity (currently, it has an 88% rating out of 477 critics on Rotten Tomatoes!). In this film, there is a Barbie World and the Real World (where humans live). The Barbie World is oh-so-very-pink and everything is plastic like the real-world accessories; meaning no water comes out of the shower, no milk is poured out of the carton, and you can walk on the pool water. On one hand, that may come across as neat in that it mimics reality, but it really just came across as exceedingly corny, cringe-inducing even (hence why I didn’t want to continue). Eventually, it just becomes an existential film. Barbie (Margot Robbie) and Ken (Ryan Gosling), ones of several with those names (like in Heathers), travel to the Real World (there is a reason, of course) and witness the gender roles reversed (the women run everything in Barbie World). This causes disruption once they return to Barbie World (they weren’t in the Real World that long) and themes of patriarchy come into play, this obviously being a feminist movie. Perhaps this was only meant for women and those that identify as women? Piffle! The overall message is more or less egalitarian. This man just didn’t think it was anything special. They could’ve had so much more fun with the ‘stranger in a strange land’ concept too, like Elf (Will Ferrell, ironically, plays a Mattel CEO here). 10/23/2023
Based on a True Story (Season One) OK
(haiku review)
Fair dark comedy.
Obviously not over.
Why can’t shows just end? 6/12/2023
*Peacock; 8 episodes*
Battle at Big Rock OK
(haiku review)
Jurassic World
short.
Fine as 8-minute segment.
I still wanted more. 9/17/2019
The Beach House G/VG
This bears the same title as several other films (as a
Google or All Movie search will prove) and an R.L. Stine novel (sans the The), but this is none of those films
nor an adaptation of that book; it is a recent Shudder exclusive. In it, a young straight couple head to a
family (wait for it…) beach house during the off season (it was filmed in Massachusetts
but I don’t recall a disclosed location) and see that an older couple (friends
of the family) are staying there as well.
The entire neighborhood seems to be deserted (as is often the case for
most beach towns from Labor Day to Memorial Day). Eventually, everything goes to shit and none
of it is caused by anything human. We’re
hinted of something rising from the bottom of the ocean in the beginning, there
are discussions of alien life on other planets as well as here on our planet, and
we do get glimpses of unearthly lifeforms among other things, but there really
are no direct answers and there didn’t need to be. I could probably compare it to a couple other
movies (particularly those of the cosmic Lovecraftian variety), but this eerie
well-shot film worked perfectly fine on its own and was thoroughly engaging throughout. Recommended.
7/19/2020
The Bear (Season Two) G
During the first season it did take me a bit to get into due to its crazy energy, but I did end up becoming addicted. For those of you that desire working in a restaurant, particularly behind-the-scenes, shows like this will inform you that it isn’t exactly glamorous. I’ve worked in a restaurant and this is really how it is---people yelling, losing their shit, scrambling over everyone and everything (sure, movies like Waiting… may show what it’s like when a restaurant gets busy, but they went for more of a comical approach). Never thought it would be entertaining to see such drama, but I was hooked, and, as they may say, drama is always more entertaining when you’re not involved (hence why we watch entertainment). This series takes place in a restaurant in Chicago and retains much of the first season’s tone, in addition to displaying more human sides of the characters (although arguably it always showed a human side since people are really crazy in life, especially in this business). Another thing I liked was that you never knew what you were going to get each episode (enabling me to always look forward to each one), as they all focused on different people. [I’m not particularly a fan of reality cooking shows, but I do like seeing food prepared in fictional entertainment (me being a foodie) whether I like the particular food being prepped or not (trust me, there’s a lot of food this foodie isn’t fond of). Seeing shows like this make you appreciate how certain dishes are presented in restaurants, particularly desserts structured a precise way that look too damn good to eat; hell, I’m even fascinated by watching an omelette being made (the one made here looked really good too)]. There are ten episodes this time (as opposed to eight last time) ranging from 30-40 minutes each, one being a little over an hour, said episode also being a Christmas one involving a family dinner that maintains the manic spirit of the show. As of now, there is no season three confirmed, but I’ll welcome at least another one (I did want more after the finale). This and Reservation Dogs are the best Hulu currently has to offer (the latter currently on its third and alleged final season). 9/12/2023
Beast G
In case you didn’t see a preview, Idris Elba plays a man taking his two daughters (one teen, one younger) to Africa near the village their late mother was from. They eventually go on a ride with a friend into an area that’s closed to the public (never a good sign) and come across a lion gone rogue that begins to pursue them. The night before his entire pride was slaughtered by poachers, so do you really blame the lion for going rogue? Unfortunately all humans in his territory become prey though. I remember thinking the lion looked crappy in the preview, but it actually looked fine when I watched it. This movie ended up being better than I thought it would be. Sure, it may not seem too distinguishable from other films in the natural horror subgenre (Orca and 2007’s Prey came to mind the most---the latter another killer lion flick I recommend), and it started to feel a bit padded out towards the end (even at roughly 90 minutes), but for simply being exactly what it intended to be and nothing more, and for enjoying it enough, I’m going to recommend it. Currently available on Peacock. 10/7/2022
Beaten to Death G
This Australian film doesn’t waste any time as it begins quite brutally with a man (our protagonist) beaten up Fight Club-style while a woman (eventually revealed to be his wife) lies dead on the floor in a house in the country (we learn these are city folk). He escapes until he’s assaulted even worse by someone else in the countryside (you really think everyone isn’t connected somehow out in those parts?) before just trying to survive in this terrain. All the exposition is gradually revealed through flashbacks, and I actually think these flashbacks made the film less harrowing, causing me to wonder how impactful the film would’ve been if presented linearly. Perhaps that was the whole intention though to pummel us with depravity upfront. I am going to recommend it (for extreme horror fans) in spite of a few gripes I had (minor, in retrospect); it is rather brutal without a hopeful ending (I could see this becoming a cult classic). 9/25/2023
Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe G
I did watch Beavis and Butt-Head back in the Nineties, but I know I haven’t seen every episode (I own the complete series on DVD too). There was a whole lot of controversy when the show first aired I remember, and I actually thought Beavis and Butt-Head looked kind of creepy. I did watch it more when I got to middle school, and did hear of some bands (or finally heard them) through the videos they watched. Put it this way, I watched it and liked some of it, but it was never my favorite show. The movie that came out in 1996, Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, was decent and still is when I recently watched it upon hearing of this new film (available on Paramount+). Here, the duo are still in the Nineties before being transported to present time via a black hole after a mishap lands them in Space Camp and they’re recruited to complete a mission in space. I was surprised that I actually enjoyed this. I laughed quite a bit and the script was undeniably well-written as far as scripts about two idiots we laugh at instead of with can go. Don’t be discouraged by the modern animation in the beginning either; it doesn’t last long (thankfully) and retains its original look. I’d call this the comeback of the year! 6/24/2022
Becky OK
Behind Her Eyes G
I gave in to viewing this 6-episode English mini-series
available on Netflix after reading a recommendation from someone at Entertainment
Weekly. In it, a young single-parent
begins having an affair with her new boss while also secretly hanging out with
his wife. You can probably deduce that
will all lead to drama. In that
aforementioned article from EW, I was informed there was more to the
story than that basic premise and I can assure you there is. The series, each episode roughly around the
50-minute mark, is engaging for the most part, always making you sense there is
indeed more to the story that will eventually be revealed. I can say everything is tied up neatly by the
conclusion and can’t say it was disappointing, although I was reminded of at
least one film which I won’t disclose lest I reveal too much. Decent time-killer, hopefully remaining just
a one-part mini-series, for those looking to watch something of the psychological
thriller sort. 2/24/2021
Behind the Monsters (Season One) OK
Did we really need another documentary series on horror movies? Probably not in the exoteric sense, but, esoterically, horror fans like myself will never tire of talking about the genre, as well as hearing others talk about it. Whereas Eli Roth’s History of Horror series takes a subgenre per episode and discusses specific films within that subgenre, this Shudder series consisting of six episodes takes a specific horror villain and discusses them and the franchises they’re in (you can read my review of season one of that Eli Roth series here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/12/mooby-reviews-12218.html, season two here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/11/growing-up-with-i-spit-on-your.html, and season three here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/11/chapelwaitenight-at-eagle-inn.html). The cinematic boogeymen with their own episodes here are Michael Myers, Candyman, Chucky, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Pinhead, in that order (but you can watch them in any order you want now that they’re all available). Chucky, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers are some of my favorite villains, so I personally liked those episodes the best, even though the Michael Myers one did drag a bit (most of them are 40-plus minutes, the Chucky one roughly 30). I do like Candyman, but really only the first film, so that segment was just okay (the only other one under 40-minutes). Freddy and Pinhead were never my favorites, the characters or the franchises, although I am a fan of the original Nightmare on Elm Street and some of the sequels are okay (notably part 3, Dream Warriors); the first Hellraiser was fine, but not really one of my favorites, and I haven’t even seen all the movies in the franchise since I have no interest; so, as can be deduced, the Pinhead episode was my least favorite one. This may not be the best documentary series (esoterically, most likely) and I didn’t really learn much of anything new, but, like I said, if you enjoy hearing others talk about a genre you have an interest in (as much as you enjoy talking about it yourself) and you have nothing else to watch, you could do worse. Needless to say, you can just pick which episodes you want to watch as well. 12/2/2021
Below the Fold G
Murder mystery set in Missouri. A male and female journalist, with a history, team up to investigate a cold case involving a girl that went missing ten years ago. This isn’t groundbreaking at all (but what really is these days?), but it was generally intriguing from start to finish; its tone is very bleak. It is a bit inconclusive, and I was bummed when it ended, but after I thought about it, it kind of did end because we, as well as the journalists, are quite certain who was responsible, but, as with many cold cases in reality, there’s not enough evidence. I’m still going to recommend it since I thoroughly enjoyed it. I do think a limited TV series involving the same characters and locations would work, because there’s undoubtedly more to this microcosmic world, and it could definitely rival the first season of True Detective. 12/31/2021
Benny Loves You EH
I was interested in this film the minute I heard it involved
a killer toy. I hate when movies end up
not being as good as you anticipate, which is the majority of movies nowadays,
unfortunately. The only way you know if
they’re any good though is to watch them, and I do still like being surprised
with a good film I haven’t seen before.
Anyway, the killer toy in question is a teddy bear, although it looks
more like a cross between a shaggy-eared dog and Elmo, named (wait for it…)
Benny that somehow comes to life after its 35-year-old owner puts it aside for
trash. Don’t expect an explanation for
the stuffed toy becoming sentient, because all that happens is a bunch of fog
suddenly appears. Now, I can overlook
certain logic in a movie about a killer stuffed animal if it was actually
fun. Was this fun? Honestly, not really (I think I may have
laughed just one time). This film was
definitely inane, but it simultaneously tried being somewhat serious and the
contrasting tones just didn’t work for me.
There is violence, yes, but violence does not always make a movie good,
especially if it’s not notable (like here).
I thought it was over a half-hour before it was and I wished it was
over; I couldn’t wait for it to be over (needless to say, that’s never a good
sign). The beginning was fine, featuring
a spoiled little girl getting exactly what she deserved after throwing her teddy bear out (it wasn’t quite like
the beginning of Dolls from 1987
though). Perhaps this story may have
worked better as a short…I don’t know.
Sorry Benny, I can’t say I love you…9/13/2021
The Beta Test OK
Confession---I kind of developed a crush on Jim
Cummings. Granted, he isn’t the sexiest
man alive; it’s more of a celebrity crush type thing. I admire his presence, leave it at that! This is the third film he directed and
starred in (he also made appearances in films like Halloween Kills and The Block
Island Sound). Thunder Road was just okay, nothing special (I gave it an OK
rating). The Wolf of Snow Hollow was decent; for those that couldn’t stand
that film (as I’ve come across several), I don’t think you’re going to care too
much for this one. I’ll admit that I was
only interested in checking this out right away because I saw Jim Cummings was
in it and it was a new horror film. Well,
it’s labeled as a horror film, but it most definitely is not; maybe a thriller,
if that, with somewhat of a mystery.
This movie is really about nothing.
I mean, Jim Cummings works at a film-type company in Hollywood and
receives an invitation to a sex party of sorts and tries to get to the bottom
of it after actually attending (it’s not really a party, just a one-on-one
experience involving blindfolds). So, it
does involve that. It may sound like there’s
a mystery to it, but there really isn’t.
Like I said, this movie really isn’t much of anything. If you don’t like Jim Cummings, you’re likely
going to hate it given he’s pretty much in the entire movie (hell, he’s pretty
much the movie); he sure is an asshole here, and that might just mean
convincing acting. My rating is strictly
personal due to that aforementioned Jim Cummings infatuation, but also because
I was slightly intrigued the entire time despite really being about nothing; I
didn’t check the time once or see how much time was remaining and that should
mean something I suppose. It currently
has a 94% rating out of 72 critics on Rotten Tomatoes though, so what do I
know? Perhaps there are others
fascinated with Jim Cummings? Or there
actually is more to the movie than I initially grasped and I’ll have to watch
it again? I don’t know. Mr. Cummings directed three very different
films so far, none quite spectacular (The
Wolf of Snow Hollow being my favorite so far), but as long as I’m still
fascinated with him, I’ll keep watching and maybe one day he’ll present us with
his crowning achievement. 11/13/2021
Bill & Ted Face
the Music G
I can say I’m a fan of Bill
& Ted. I like the first two
films, Excellent Adventure and Bogus Journey, the latter being my
favorite of the two despite many disagreeing with me; hey, I thought Bogus Journey had one of the best
cinematic representations of Hell I’ve seen, but Excellent Adventure did contain a song I’m a big fan of (“In Time”
by Robbie Robb). I’ve seen some of the
animated series that was made, and apparently there was a short-lived
live-action series in 1992 I knew not about, and it could be because Ted
“Theodore” Logan and Bill S. Preston Esquire weren’t played by Keanu Reeves and
Alex Winter. I remember wanting a toy
phone booth with both characters I saw attached to a cereal box during the
early Nineties; I didn’t get it, but I think I’ve proven I’ve been a fan of the
fictional duo. This third film was
released almost 30 years after the previous one (Bogus Journey), 29 to be exact, and luckily it wasn’t a remake or a
reboot (Kevin Smith’s last film was such a disappointment). Now, my expectations were a combination of
high and low for this threequel; low, being it’s a Bill & Ted movie and that it’s released all these years later;
high, because it had a lot to live up to.
Is it an unnecessary sequel?
Probably, but all movies are arguably unnecessary (all you do is sit on
your ass), but since it was made, fans like me can’t not watch it. I can safely say this sequel is definitely
more non-heinous than heinous and ties in smoothly with the rest of its
cinematic universe while containing elements from both its predecessors without
feeling like a remake/reboot. I had a
good enough time with it, dude. And the
film’s conclusion is like totally relevant to Bill & Ted’s timeless mantra---“Be
excellent to each other!” 11/13/2020
Bingo Hell EH
A poor community consisting primarily of old folks receives a lavish new bingo hall. You’ll recognize the man in charge of this new establishment, Richard Brake, from a few Rob Zombie-helmed pictures among others, he having a face more recognizable than his name. Some of these “down on their luck” peeps do win large amounts of money, but in standard “it’s too good to be true” fashion, their winnings come with a “price.” This film is largely uninspired. 11/1/2021
Biography: The Nine Lives of Ozzy Osbourne OK/G
OZZY. Ozzy
Osbourne. John Michael Osbourne at
birth. The “Godfather of Metal,” famous
for singing crisply yet speaking incoherently, is the subject of this
documentary on A&E covering his early years as a young boy in England to
the present day. I personally didn’t
discover OZZY until 7th grade when I saw the video for “I Just Want
You” off the Ozzmosis album. I
was kind of indifferent until I found out a fellow metalhead listened to him,
thus I became a lifelong fan, getting into both Black Sabbath and his solo
stuff (I did know he was in a band called Black Sabbath before that metalhead
inspired me to become a fan---thanks Dad!).
Over the years, I’ve read a lot about Ozzman and both his bands. That being said, I knew the majority of the
information presented in this 85-minute documentary (there are also lots of
commercials you can’t fast forward through, by the way). I still kind of enjoyed watching it though, OZZY
has been a prominent part of my life after all, and I think this would be a
well-rounded lesson for those unaware of OZZY’s life other than what was made
public. [I’d be interested in a
documentary on Ozzfest (an event I attended at least 6 times) which was covered
real briefly here]. 9/11/2020
Bite Size Halloween
I can never stress enough my love for anthology
films/shows. Ones featuring extremely
short segments, much like their flash fiction literary equivalent, i.e. The ABCs of Death, I was never as
fervent about. As I mentioned above in
the review for season two of Two Sentence
Horror Stories, I like my short stories (visual or literary) to be long
enough in order to be somewhat engaging.
Really short stories, or “bite size” as this anthology series available
on Hulu labels them, often don’t end up being engaging. I am always curious though to see what kind of
tales can be crammed into such short time periods, and I did know what I was
getting into before watching. There are
28 episodes here and my loser ass added them all up to be a total of roughly 95
minutes; 17 of them are 3 minutes, 5 are 4 minutes, 3 are 2 minutes, and there
are individual 5-minute, 6-minute, and 7-minute segments (boy, I really do
have no life, do I?). So, you can either binge the entire series in
one sitting since it’ll be the length of an average movie anyway, or you can
watch them in segments if you don’t have that much time, or you’re looking to
kill time. Since there are 28 episodes
and I’m not the biggest fan of really short anthology shows to begin with, you
can bet there are plenty of misses, or ones that are simply okay; some silly
entries included “Mondays,” “Landline,” “Summoned,” and “Baby.” Some of my favorites ones included “Visible,”
“Devil Vac,” “The Mime,” “Thirst (which was a unique undead tale),” “Costume
Change,” and “Missing,” the latter two containing endings I didn’t expect. So, if you like your anthology show stories
really short, there’s bound to be some episodes to your liking here. If you like them a bit longer (like yours
truly), well, like I said, you know what you’re getting into if you decide to
take a peek…3/2/2021
Black as Night EH/OK
The title is obviously a play on words. It involves vampires in New Orleans mainly in a poor community still affected by Hurricane Katrina. It really adds nothing new to bloodsucker cinema---they still die by sunlight, they still die from garlic, they still die with stakes driven through them (obviously a mortal would die that way too though); well, some don’t necessarily die by sunlight and it is explained why, but that’s not even barely enough to make this feel original. Yes, I know, it’s very hard to be innovative these days and likely from here on out, but I can forgive derivative entertainment if it’s actually entertaining. I didn’t have too much fun with this and I’m fascinated with New Orleans and love vampires. The two protagonists were fine though and I’d probably appreciate them more in a better movie. 11/1/2021
Black Box OK/G
A man suffering from amnesia after an accident that claimed
his wife undergoes a specific type of treatment in which he’s able to return to
specific memories. It’s not like The Butterfly Effect where he can change
the memories and alter the present, just simply to try and recall certain
things vividly (he is given the ability to jump back and forth between these
memories). The reveal, after about the
hour mark, is nothing fresh and the film ultimately appeared to be overly
familiar, but this entry in the Blumhouse package wasn’t bad and didn’t end as
sappy as it could have. 11/10/2020
Black Christmas EH
Black Mirror: Season Five
Here we are at season five of this anthology series
(available on Netflix) involving various forms of technology usually, if not
always, having a negative impact. This
season only contains three episodes, all a little over an hour. The first two seasons only had 3 episodes as
well though, and there was a standalone, choose-your-outcome film (Bandersnatch) released 6 months ago (you
can read my reviews for that film plus the entire series thus far in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). Since there were only three episodes, each
with different ratings, I reviewed them separately:
“Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too” (OK)
This one stars Miley Cyrus as a famous pop singer, not
herself mind you, but as Ashley performing an un-catchy dance-pop cover of Nine
Inch Nails’ “Head Like a Hole” and a slightly more rock version later on that I
thought was even worse. The Ashley Too
of the title is a miniature robot version of her that apparently contains parts
of her brain. This episode wasn’t as bad
as it could’ve been, but it’s ultimately about young artists having no say in
their creative output and wasn’t distinctively Black Mirror material.
“Smithereens” (EH)
Here’s another segment that didn’t necessarily have to be a Black Mirror episode as it’s a bland
hostage story involving a man angry at an app company despite being no one’s
fault but his own for how his life turned out.
Props though for the gunman not assuming his hostage is straight at one
time (Down with heteronormativity!
Nothing against straight people, mind you, they’re just not the only
ones in the world). Oh, and Topher Grace
does not look good with a man bun; that was never a good look to begin with
(sorry man bun friends/acquaintances).
“Striking Vipers” (G)
This one starring Anthony Mackie was the only one this
season that actually felt like a Black
Mirror episode. It involves the
titular video game in which two grown men simultaneously play as opposite-sex
avatars and “bond” in a way they never have in reality before. It isn’t exactly “San Junipero” of season
three, but it reminded me of it. Being John Malkovich slightly came to
mind as well, but it wasn’t like that at all.
This is a potent episode, with an ending that was just right, confirming
that some people still have trouble being their true selves.
In conclusion, this wasn’t the best season as a whole, last
season was better, but like most anthology shows/movies, segments are going to
be hit and miss, sometimes equally, sometimes one over the other. I will tune in for season six and beyond;
let’s just hope next season is better overall.
6/6/2019
Black Mirror (Season Six) G
Season six of this Netflix anthology series involving different technologies with episodes falling under sci-fi, drama, horror, and thriller. There were more hits than misses for me with this series in order to call myself a fan. Some of my favorite episodes have been “White Bear” from season two, “Shut Up and Dance” and “San Junipero” from season three, and “Metalhead” from season four. After revisiting the series before this season, there were really only three I disliked and some just okay. Apparently my opinion changed on some; I sort of praised “The Entire History of You” from season one in my review, but wasn’t a fan this time; I also didn’t seem to be a fan of the “White Christmas” special before, but didn’t think it was too bad now. [You can read my review of seasons one through three in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2017/04/mooby-reviews-42417.html, season four in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/01/mooby-reviews-11318.html, season five in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/06/black-mirror-season-five.html, and the movie, Bandersnatch, in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/12/mooby-reviews-122918.html]. This season had five episodes. Imagine if parts of your life, recently at that, were made into a TV series for all to see, some parts rather private. Such is the premise for “Joan Is Awful.” Leads to somewhat of a mindf*** by the end and further adds to the notion of modern technology encroaching on our privacy. “Loch Henry” was probably the most up my alley in terms of content, following a murder mystery dug up from the past in an isolated Scottish community; uses older technology in the form of VHS tapes. “Beyond the Sea” is the longest at roughly 80-minutes (the previous two were barely an hour) and involves two men working in space while a mechanical version of themselves (exact replicas) can simultaneously be at home with their families. And what if something happens to their replicas on Earth? Some of what occurs is slightly predictable, but it still manages to be a somewhat effective episode. “Mazey Day” is the shortest and eventually becomes a different tale than initially expected; it’s fine, but could’ve utilized better creature effects. Lastly, “Demon 79” is the second longest and I don’t understand how it tied in with Black Mirror, a talisman appearing to be the “technology.” A woman comes across this talisman in the basement of a shoe store she works at in England which unleashes a demon (hence the title) demanding she make three human sacrifices by a certain date or the end (for all) will come. As an episode on its own merit, it was fine, although not altogether fresh. I still don’t see how a talisman (shaped like a domino) counts as a technology (which this show revolves around). When all is said and done, I didn’t dislike any of these segments, enabling me to give this season of Black Mirror a passing grade. 6/17/2023
The Black Phone OK/G
I read the short story by Joe Hill (Stephen King’s son, for those unaware) and felt there could’ve been more to it. I was hoping this film directed by Scott Derrickson (Sinister, The Exorcism of Emily Rose) would’ve done that. Unfortunately, not much is added to the story. It was very faithful to the source material with some stuff added, nothing truly major, so I don’t know if I should tell you to read the story or watch the movie since they’re both very similar. I think I’m ultimately going to tell you to just pick one. If anything, I would say read the story first if you like to read and then watch the movie to compare, but don’t bother reading the story if you see the movie first (there would be no point, especially since you’ll already have images in your head). Perhaps if I didn’t read the short story I might’ve been more impressed since I wouldn’t have known what to expect? Who knows? It’s a question I’ll never be able to answer. For some positives though---oh, it’s about a kid that gets abducted by a man in Denver during the Seventies and kept in a basement with a bed and toilet; the titular device is hanging on the wall unplugged, but our young protagonist is able to hear previous victims through it that try helping him avoid being next---it does a swell job of evoking the Seventies time period, the performances are notable, and it does manage to be suspenseful throughout (which would’ve likely been more so had I not read the short story). Maybe I’ll have to give it another look sometime, and I definitely don’t discourage you from checking it out, but I still think it’s a limited story that had so much more potential (in both forms). 6/24/2022
Black Pumpkin OK
Let me just say that I love the title. I also liked the mask donned by the killer,
Bloody Bobby, based on an urban legend in a California town in this film,
summoned by kids and teens unintentionally on Halloween, thus starting a body
count (I wasn’t a fan of the childlike sounds emanating from the killer though). It is a low-budget film, that is apparent,
but it is also apparent they were trying, making this one of those “it probably
sounded good on paper and would’ve been better with a better budget”
films. The end credits inform you that
Bloody Bobby will return (that doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen, I
know), and, if so, perhaps enough people will see this (perhaps I’ll aid in
that?), allowing for a better budget next time?
Their hearts are in the right place and all the elements are there…3/10/2021
Black Spot: Season One OK
French series available on Netflix consisting of 8 episodes,
all 50-something minutes. Unfortunately,
they all felt like it too, most of them feeling even longer. The set-up and location are great though;
it’s an isolated small town surrounded by woods---perfect for a
mystery/thriller. Being that it’s a
small town, isolated at that, everyone knows everyone and most of them have
secrets. Yup, this small town (on
screen) is no different. There’s an air of
Twin Peaks about it all, complete
with a sawmill in town (go ahead and deny the influence, creators, but you
should’ve been more subtle than that).
There’s even a mystery surrounding a missing girl in town from the
get-go who may or may not be dead (you do find out). Laura Palmer may have been dead from the
onset of Twin Peaks but the
comparisons are hard to deny. After
finding out where the missing girl is here, alive or dead, the revelation is a
‘whatever’ reaction. There were a couple
episodes where it seemed a different case was brought up before the culprit was
revealed, almost making it a sort of CSI-type
show (or Scooby-Doo more accurately). Oh, and this ain’t no “ordinary” town either;
there seems to be a bipedal creature with antlers dwelling in the woods that we
only see sporadic glimpses of until the very end. I wish the series would’ve spent more time on
that mythological aspect; it almost gave it a Wayward Pines kind of vibe.
Overall, I don’t think this show is entirely worth watching; despite
looking great as I’ve mentioned, the episodes drag as I’ve mentioned and the
characters aren’t as compelling as that aforementioned David Lynch-created
series. That being said, this is an
exercise in style over substance (I’m very hesitant in continuing with season
two that’s soon to be released). I
suggest you watch Twin Peaks instead
(again or for the first time), or even Wayward
Pines. 6/8/2019
Black Summer: Season One OK
I saw this was a new horror release on Netflix last
month. I then read it took place in the Z Nation universe, a show (currently on
season 5) I’ve been meaning to check out but haven’t gotten around to (I have a
long list). I then read it was a prequel
that took place way before Z Nation. I then saw it was only 8 episodes with the
longest being 45 minutes and the shortest being 21 (what an uneven setup!), so
I decided to binge it with nothing else new to watch. Now, if this aired back in the day (before On
Demand and binge-option networks) and I had to tune in every week, I likely
wouldn’t have bothered or continued. And
even though I have yet to watch Z Nation,
this series appeared to stand alone and, let’s face it, this is as typical as
zombie entertainment gets---the epidemic begins, a group of survivors meet up
and fight off zombies and other humans, they all work their way to a supposed
sanctuary, yada, yada, yada. The zombies
are more like the “infected” from 28
Days/Weeks Later, but, like those films, you still become one of them if
they come in contact with you, and similar to The Walking Dead, you still become one if you die period. Is this undead entry particularly worth your
time? Not necessarily, unless you’re a
zombie completist or need a new horror show to binge-watch on Netflix, and I
guess if you’re a fan of Z Nation. I have heard Z Nation was better than The
Walking Dead, but that show should’ve ended 6 seasons ago (I officially
stopped watching it last season). I
didn’t dislike this show; I liked it better during the first half, especially the
episodes taking place in the school and diner. I did like how there were different characters
to focus on since it likely would’ve been tedious having the entire series take
place in either the school or diner or anywhere with the same characters. After they all meet up, things began to feel
rushed with lots of uninvolving running and shootouts before culminating in a
clichรฉd and expected bittersweet ending.
Like I said, Z Nation is on my
long list of things to watch, but if I’m going to commit to at least 5 seasons
(currently), I hope it’s better than this.
5/30/2019
Blood Quantum OK/G
This takes place on the Red Crow Indian Reservation in
1981. The first Americans (yes, that
includes First Nations) probably get the least amount of screen
representation. Dances with Wolves, while great, is chock full of stereotypes. What I should’ve said is that there aren’t
too many modern representations of indigenous Americans. Sure, there’s Dance Me Outside, Smoke Signals,
and pretty much any movie directed by Chris Eyre, but this is the first time
I’ve seen them in their own feature-length zombie movie, let alone horror movie
(if there’s more, do let me know; I’m always learning). The Natives in this film seem to be the only
ones immune to becoming zombies if bitten (even fish and dogs can turn!), but
that still doesn’t mean they can’t be killed another way, i.e. ripped apart and
eaten alive. There is a theory (no
direct answer) suggested as to why, but I’m guessing it all metaphorically ties
in with the troubled history of post-colonial North America. I’ve been wrong before though. As for being a zombie film, it’s not bad and
there’s some praiseworthy gore, but I don’t think it’s entirely distinguishable
(save the Native immunity) other than containing fresh representation in a
stale subgenre. I know I’ve said it
before and I’ll repeat it---representation is great, but it doesn’t mean
innovative aside from that fact. 7/20/2020
Boar OK/G
This Shudder exclusive, also available on DVD, bears a title
needing no explanation and delivers pretty much what you’d expect. It’ll likely draw comparisons to Razorback, another Australian movie
featuring a killer wild pig. I haven’t
seen that film in quite a while even though I do actually own it, so I, myself,
can’t yet tell you how similar they might actually be. One thing I will commend this film on,
considering it was made in 2019, is the use of practical effects for the
creature and pretty impressive at that.
A few parts looked like CGI was utilized and you could obviously tell it
was never a real animal, but I will absolutely take unrealistic practical
effects over CGI any day! The critic in
me would’ve liked to know how this boar came to be gigantic and murderous (it
was just labeled “diseased” at one point) and the film sure felt like a
formulaic slasher movie since we as an audience knew when and where someone was
likely going to be attacked, but, like I said above, what do you really expect
from a movie called Boar other than
the titular creature killing people? It
is rather gory too. It’s an enjoyable
creature feature for a decent amount of the time despite its flaws. 1/11/2020
Body at Brighton Rock OK/G
Brightburn G/VG
Black Water: Abyss EH/OK
Black Water was an
enjoyable little natural horror film from 2007 involving a killer crocodile in
Australia. This sequel really bears no
connection to it other than having the same director and taking place in
Australia. I’m guessing they anticipated
drawing in more viewers if it was connected by title, but if it was simply
titled Abyss and contained a killer
crocodile, I and any other natural horror fans would likely watch it
anyway. It does bear a similar plot as
the first, yes---a group of people get together, go on an excursion (this time,
a cave during a rain storm), and end up trapped above the water to avoid being
croc grub---but that could be a similar plot to many natural horror films. Somehow the first film worked with one
primary location and few characters, and whereas that film had some nice
scenery to look at, there isn’t much to look at in a cave (Australia is a
beautiful continent that should be presented as much as possible). There really was no suspense here in
wondering whether the crocodile was going to show up or not, because I kept
thinking it would’ve been either too predictable or lack enough croc
action. The kills, when they actually
did happen, weren’t even notable, save for a brief one in the beginning, and
that one even happened too fast. The
first one may have been a bit long for its premise too, but I don’t recall
being bored too much, whereas here, it felt
too long and I was bored often. I didn’t
necessarily despise this film, but don’t, at all, color me impressed
either. 8/10/2020
Blood from Stone EH/OK
(haiku review)
Vamps in Las Vegas.
They meet people, then kill them.
Bloody, sure, but lame.
12/17/2020
Blood Quantum OK/G
Blood Red Sky OK/G
(haiku review)
New hijack/vamp film.
It has bite…literally.
It’s a bit long though.
7/23/2021
*Available on Netflix; In German (mostly) and English with subtitles*
Blood Relatives OK/G
New vampire film available on Shudder that isn’t a horror movie. There’s violence at times, but it’s not horror. It is a road movie and a drama involving a father-daughter relationship. Noah Segan stars as said father (he also wrote and directed) whose teen daughter catches up with him on the road (she was conceived while he met her mother on the road). Thus begins the relationship they never had, eventually trying to live as humans (the daughter is only half-vamp and has the ability to walk in daylight with sunblock). It is a vampire flick---they sport fangs when feeding, they drink blood (human and animal), and the father can’t be in the sunlight, nor can he enter somewhere without being invited---but it’s not horror, not at all. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t work though; not all movies that feature vampires (or anything unhuman) are horror. I did enjoy a decent amount of this, but it ended too soon. Some may say that’s a positive since it was over before I knew it (it’s roughly 87-minutes), but it seemed like it was just getting started when it ended. I’m not sure if a sequel is planned, but I would actually welcome one since it might make this feel more complete. 11/22/2022
Bloodride: Season One OK
New horror anthology series available on Netflix? I hate repeating myself but, in case you
don’t keep up with my reviews or know me that well, I was in given my love for anthology
shows/movies (particularly horror). This
6-episode series comes from Norway so, yes, that means subtitles for those not
fluent in Norwegian, but if you don’t like reading subtitles nor mind poor
dubbing, you can set it up where the audio is your preferred language (I
personally can’t stand dubbing, especially when its poorly done, and find it
distracting; I always use the same example, but High Tension was much better the second time with subtitles). “Ultimate
Sacrifice” shows what some would do for fortune and it does come easy for these
people living in the countryside as long as they’re willing to do something
drastic; PETA wouldn’t be too happy with this segment. “Three Sick Brothers” starts off promising
before finishing with one of the oldest twists in the book (or film, in this
case) that wasn’t too surprising anyhow.
“Bad Writer” felt largely derivative, feeling more fitting for a kiddie
horror anthology series like Are You
Afraid of the Dark? or Creeped Out
(which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with), but it was still okay. “Lab Rats” involves a group of workers
accused of stealing something valuable from their boss and was fairly straightforward
(read: standard). My favorite of the
bunch was “The Old School” which begins as a typical yet intriguing ghost story
that takes an unexpected (yet not altogether shocking) turn at the end. Lastly, there’s “The Elephant in the Room”
about an office costume party wherein more and more revelations come to light
in regards to a tragedy involving a previous employee. All in all, the episodes were generally just
okay (I didn’t necessarily detest any of them).
They seemed to be more of the psychological thriller variety (which
isn’t a criticism), although I was reminded most of an underrated Eighties
anthology film, Chillers (which I
recommend), during the intro showing all the characters in each story riding a
bus (the “bloodride”). You can binge the
entire series in roughly 3 hours (the longest episode being 32 minutes, the
shortest, 27), so if you’re bored and looking for something new to watch,
there’re worse ways you can spend 3 hours, like wasting an additional half hour
watching that overrated snoozefest, The
Irishman (which luckily, and rightfully, didn’t win best picture)! 3/14/2020Bloody Summer Camp OK
This slasher film released last year is 125-minutes! That’s unusual for such a film. At first I thought it may have been a typo, but it is indeed that long. All in all though, despite having several flaws (the runtime being just one), it really isn’t that bad for a slasher movie made recently. Sure, it may not be on the same level of fun as a Friday the 13th or Sleepaway Camp entry (Felissa Rose appears here too), but part of me kind of does recommend checking it out if you’re looking for a new slasher and/or camp film. The setup is familiar (of course how many different plots can there be for these films?)---a group of counselors get a camp ready for the soon-to-arrive campers and gradually get offed by a masked murderer. After a particular scene (early on too), it was so obvious who the killer was (seeing so many movies over the years doesn’t make it hard to figure these things out), but it stopped being fun trying to guess who the killer was after the Scream films in the Nineties. As I’ve said in the past, true slasher fans watch these movies for the characters and kills. We do get to know the majority of characters here (I would hope so given the runtime), and the kills generally may not be spectacular, but they aren’t awful either (some scenes may even repulse the more queasy viewers). The killer’s mask was passable too. To reiterate, aside from the unnecessary length and not always being of the highest quality (in budget and script), it’s really not too bad for a camp-set slasher movie released in 2021. I’ve definitely seen much worse of its ilk. 9/25/2022
Blue Demon B
Here’s a shark movie from 2004 that somehow bypassed my
“shark-movie loving” radar. I thought
perhaps maybe it has alternate titles and I saw it while called something else. I only say that because it has happened
before with these generally subpar creature features often playing on the SYFY
channel where I ended up watching the same movie with a different title. I didn’t recall any of this while watching
though and of course there’s a high chance I completely forgot about it because
it was so awful. Basically, a group of
scientists attempt to create a defense against terrorism in the form of sharks
and, naturally, said sharks escape the testing ground and feed on any poor
souls they come across. The attacks are
lame as well as predictable, there’s far too much loquaciousness overall, and
there’s a cheesy romantic subplot to boot.
I wish this would’ve stayed past my “shark-movie loving” radar because
said radar always suckers me in to any shark movie whether I think it’ll be bad
or not. 4/3/2020
Blumhouse’s Fantasy
Island G
I suppose Blumhouse, the studio specializing in horror films
and named after Jason Blum, put their name first in the title to slightly differentiate
it from the television series of the same name (originally airing from 1977 to
1984 and revived in 1998); this film allegedly being a prequel to it. I’ve never seen a single episode of that
series and this film only received 8% out of 100 critics on Rotten Tomatoes, so,
in addition to it sounding formulaic as f***, I didn’t have high hopes for this
movie. In it, a group of people are
flown to a beautiful island with promises of living out their fantasies based
on a questionnaire they all filled out. Now,
as with most “be careful what you wish for” and “this all sounds too good to be
true” tales, there is a catch to all of it and not all is as it seems. While this is no masterpiece (nor did I
expect it to be) and does go on a bit too long, as well as concluding a bit too
positively for me, everything is cleverly tied up (meaning no loose ends) and I
actually had more fun with it than I anticipated. For that, I’m going to recommend it
(yikes). No, I don’t plan on checking
out the series now either (supposedly being a fantasy/drama instead of horror),
nor do I think I’ll have repeat viewings, although I would be curious to check
out the unrated version considering this PG-13 version did contain several parts
that could’ve been more violent. 5/15/2020
Boar OK/G
Bobbleheads: The Movie OK
(haiku review)
Not quite Toy Story.
Obviously wants to be.
It’s fine though…I guess.
12/10/2020
Bodied G
I didn’t realize this was a remake (or reimagining) of 8 Mile.
Ironically, Eminem is one of its producers. In it, a white college student inadvertently
becomes a battle rapper after competing against a random stranger in a parking
lot following a battle rap session in which he interviewed another battle
rapper for an assignment. Unlike 8 Mile in which Eminem was the only
whitey battling against all black men, these battle rappers are a little more
diverse; one being Latino, one a black woman, one an Asian, and there’s even a
Middle Eastern. Much like Eminem’s biopic, these battle raps
are raw, not unlike being roasted in the worst way, but the majority of battle
rappers understand that that’s the name of the game. Although I thought I was watching a carbon copy
of that Eminem film the entire time (taking place in the West Coast instead of
Michigan), I can’t deny how engaged I was for the majority of its 2-hour
run-time (especially in regards to the battle raps). 5/29/2020
Body at Brighton Rock OK/G
You might be reminded of Backcountry
(ironically that word is mentioned in the beginning) although the two films
really aren’t that much alike. The promo art shows a menacing bear towering
above a girl, the park rangers in this film are warned about bears and mountain
lions, and there are claw marks on some trees, so I think it was pretty much
apparent there would be a bear encounter at some point. I hate to disappoint anyone (or to make you
avoid disappointment), but the bear attack doesn’t happen until the very end
and is nowhere near as brutal as the one in Backcountry. Instead, this is more of a survival story/psychological
thriller that should be more appreciated as such. There is a twist at the end, not novel at
all, but I wasn’t expecting it here and that’s probably because I was more
focused on that anticipated animal attack.
This isn’t a bad movie at all, it’s actually a pretty decent one; just
go in expecting a psychological thriller (as I’ve said) with some beautiful
scenery and you might think the bear attack at the end is the final reward. P.S.
Check out Backcountry too if
you haven’t already. 10/16/2019
Body Count OK
I’m surprised I never even heard of this slasher film from
1986 before, being that it was directed by Ruggero Deodato (most famous for
helming Cannibal Holocaust) and stars
David Hess (most famous for starring in the original The Last House on the Left), and
the fact it’s a slasher film from the Eighties!
I can always count on Rue Morgue magazine though for educating
me, as this was mentioned in their latest issue in the feature article covering
Italian horror. The description in that
publication stated this was basically a clone of Friday the 13th and it pretty much is (as many slashers
released after it are apt to be given it’s one of the best in the subgenre),
here taking place at a closed camp in which a group of people are offed one by
one after deciding to stay there against the camp owner’s wishes (that owner played
by David Hess). It is set in Colorado,
but research tells me it was filmed in Italy (makes sense being it’s an Italian
production). The killer’s mask reminded
me of the one used in Curtains, even
though I think here it’s supposed to resemble a Native American shaman (I don’t
know). This entry wasn’t bad, although
it doesn’t seem to stand out from the pack too much (probably why it’s not more
known), but there’s not entirely too much you can expect from a slasher film
regardless of when it was released. A
good portion of the kills were acceptable, we got to know enough of the
characters, and the film is totally Eighties, making this American-set Italian
film worth watching at least once for those that enjoy slasher films even just
a little bit. 9/20/2020
Bones and All G
A cannibal romance. Perfect for Valentine’s Day, no? Will romance fans enjoy it? Hard to tell, but the cannibal scenes (and there are some) aren’t too disturbing (says I) and aren’t lingered on too long. Will horror fans be turned off by the romance? Not necessarily. Hell, Shaun of the Dead is a romantic comedy with zombies and was fully embraced by the horror community (I’m a fan even though it is a bit overrated). Horror fans are typically more open-minded as long as there are horror, or just horrific, elements. This is a coming-of-age romance with cannibals, the cannibal aspect making it a bit more unique than other coming-of-age romances (obviously). In this film, they are labeled “eaters” and apparently have the ability to smell other eaters. Whereas cannibals in other films seemingly do it by choice, these cannibals (excuse me, eaters) appear to do it innately, possibly through genetics, even feeling bad after certain instances. It’s never disclosed as to why they need to do it, they just do (they also eat regular food too). They can’t stay in one place after they eat, therefore this is also a road movie (never staying in one setting for too long). It does feel a tad lengthy towards the end at a little over 2 hours, but it’s generally a compelling take on the cannibal subgenre. Yes, it’s ultimately a cannibal film, being the common theme, which, again, makes it a more unique coming-of-age romance since they don’t often contain dark subject matter. [The director, Luca Guadagnino, also helmed Call Me by Your Name and the awful Suspiria remake, so perhaps romance and horror are his specialties? You can check out my review for the former, which also stars Timothรฉe Chalamet, in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/03/mooby-reviews-31818.html; the latter I just gave an EH rating]. Happy Valentine’s Day! 2/12/2023
Books of Blood G
Anthology film available on Hulu containing three tales based
on short stories by Clive Barker (Candyman,
Hellraiser, The Midnight Meat Train, Lord
of Illusions). Well, at least two of
the three are. Ironically, the one not
based on one of his works was the best one; it involves a bed and breakfast run
by a couple with a rather twisted agenda which I didn’t figure out. One story is based off “The Book of Blood
(involving a man falsely claiming to communicate with the dead somehow),” which
I re-read the short story for afterwards (yes, instead of before; it’s only a
mere 11 pages) and another film was made in 2009 (Clive Barker’s Book of Blood) based off the same tale (that’s a
film I know I saw but can’t remember a single thing about it; my archives tell
me I gave it 3 out of 4 stars when I did star ratings, so maybe a re-watch is
in store). The adaptation here was
decent, containing a comeuppance faithful to the written story that wouldn’t
feel out of place in a Tales from the
Crypt episode. The remaining tale is
based off “On Jerusalem Street,” which I have not read because it’s not in my
owned collection. We get a glimpse of
the piece in the beginning (involving two men traveling to a seedy town in
order to retrieve a book worth money) before it concludes by tying in with the
other two tales, and let’s just say things don’t work out so well for the two
characters (which you’ll notice ahead of time in one of the other tales). Overall, I wouldn’t label this collection
superb, but I didn’t dislike any of the segments and I enjoyed it enough to
recommend. 2/10/2021
Brahms: The Boy II OK
I wasn’t originally planning on seeing this sequel right
away, but after seeing it received a low rating on Rotten Tomatoes (11% out of
36 critics as of this writing, but even less when I checked a day or two ago)
and that I still have a Cinemark gift card, I decided to go during bargain
times! What can I say? I love when I like critically panned movies
just as much as acclaimed movies (strange mentality, I know), so I went in
hoping I would like it. Also, upon
hearing of this sequel, it made me wonder how it could be effectively done
considering the twist at the end of The
Boy (I won’t reveal it in case you haven’t seen it). Speaking of that twist, I felt it was a bit
of a letdown that ruined an otherwise pretty good movie. [By the way, there’s
another movie called The Boy released
in 2015 directed by Craig Macneill that I recommend!] So did this sequel (directed again by William
Brent Bell) manage to be effective after the first film and did I end up being
one of its few fans? Well…they did
manage to make it work after the previous film’s twist and the revelations in
this film made me dislike that twist just a little bit less (just a little bit), enough to maybe give it another viewing. And while this film may be largely flat, it
does look good (much like its predecessor) and isn’t the worst sequel I’ve
seen, let alone movie. That’s about as
nice as I can get which is probably nicer than what many others would have to
say. It was free too (for me) and not
too long, so…2/25/2020
Brightburn G/VG
This was marketed as a superhero film for horror fans and
I’d say that’s a fairly accurate description.
The “superhero” (anti-superhero more like it), Brandon Breyer
(Brightburn is the name of the town the movie takes place in), does have a
superhero origin story and he may look and act like a superhero (supervillain
more like it), but this is definitely more of a horror movie (the creators even
confirmed that was the intention); kind of like The Omen with superhero touches.
Not only is this film effectively well-shot and violent as hell when
called for (it might contain the most brutal eye damage I’ve seen in cinema
aside from Lucio Fulci’s Zombie, but
that’s likely up for debate), but Brandon Breyer is an evil character through
and through (likely innately so) and there is no happy ending. I liked that.
8/25/2019
Brightwood OK
A bickering couple enter a wooded trail surrounding a lake near their house. Eventually, they inexplicably end up in a loop with no way out of this area. One of them even postulates they might be in Hell. This is basically a feature-length Twilight Zone episode. A violent one, at times. The beauty of Twilight Zone episodes though is that they are under 30-minutes; even the 1983 movie was in an anthology format. It wasn’t a bad film, I was even intrigued a decent amount, I just got a bit impatient with it (and it’s only 84-minutes). I do give it points for having a totally shocking conclusion (a grim one, at that). Don’t expect any concrete answers. 1/5/2024
Bring It On: Cheer or Die EH
(haiku review)
There’s seven of these.
Only saw this and the first.
This slasher one sucked. 9/27/2022Bros G
This is allegedly the first rom-com featuring two gay men released by a major studio (that studio being Universal Pictures). Wow, that really says something about humanity, huh? 2022 is the first time a major studio released a rom-com featuring gay men? Homophobia should’ve ended 1,000 years ago, but that’s a discussion for another time. I was a self-loathing gay man for many years, more so before I came out to everyone other than my parents, and that’s likely due to society making me feel ashamed. I admittedly am not a fan of LGBT films since I feel they are often stereotypical or too fabricated (like much of cinema, I know), but I have liked some (Chasing Amy, Go Fish, and But I’m a Cheerleader come to mind). It could be I also don’t like being pigeonholed; I actually prefer if a movie just contains gay characters. I’m not the biggest fan of rom-coms either, but I have liked some (ones featuring Sandra Bullock come to mind). Here is a gay film, rom-com too, for that matter, emphasis on the gay film, that I actually liked. It is funny at times, often well-written, and I saw some of myself in both of the leads played by Billy Eichner and Luke Macfarlane (two gay actors). Angry gays aren’t often portrayed and, trust me, we do exist; plus, cis white gays may look like the “majority,” making us feel like an invisible minority. That’s another discussion for another time though, and, as they say, you shouldn’t compare suffering. Now, do I think only gay viewers (namely gay men) will enjoy this? I know there are plenty of open-minded people out there, and, hey, we’ve been watching entertainment with straight couples all our lives, no? All I can say is, you know what you’re getting into---I remember seeing a man in the video store (yes, I’m that old) back when Brokeback Mountain came out and he claimed he would’ve never rented it had he known what it was about (apparently he didn’t hear a single person talk about it, and/or he didn’t know how to read the back cover)---so, in case you might be like that guy I met in the video store, this is a film about two gay men, just to let you know…11/22/2022
Bull Shark EH
(haiku review)
Shark in Texas lake.
It’s not that bad. Ha, ha. Right.
Shark sucks, so do kills. 3/14/2022
Burning OK/G
Here’s a movie from Korea that starts off as a largely uneventful
drama involving a man meeting a woman before another man enters the
picture. That other man is played by
Steven Yuen a.k.a. Glenn from The Walking
Dead. He speaks Korean as this is a
Korean film and he is of Korean descent.
Oh, F.Y.I., this movie contains subtitles for those not fluent in Korean
and is just about 2 ½ hours, just to let you know ahead of time. The second part of the film becomes a mystery
and all your questions will be answered if you pay attention throughout; it
actually becomes a much darker film when all is said and done and you should
wait until it’s over before making your final judgment. I still don’t think it needed to be as long
as it was and the general moviegoer will most likely feel the same way. While it may be rather lengthy for a repeat viewing
(at least right away), I will say I’m definitely interested in reading the
short story (“Barn Burning”) by Haruki Murakami in which it’s based. 3/6/2019Bury the Bride G
Spider One, a.k.a. Rob Zombie’s little bro, a.k.a. the singer of Powerman 5000 (real name, Michael David Cummings), certainly made a much better film here with this Tubi Original (Tubi meaning free) than his debut, Allegoria (you can read my review for that in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/11/speak-no-evil.html). In it, a woman travels with four other women to celebrate her bachelorette party. The friends never met the fiancรฉ and he’s not on any social media. That’s not shady at all! The house they are celebrating at is in the middle of nowhere. Again, not shady at all! They also find a dead animal in the hot tub. Shady! Eventually said fiancรฉ shows up with some of his buddies and shortly reveal they’re not who they initially appear to be (Movies 101 should tell you there’s obviously something shady about them from the get-go). Let’s just say things don’t turn out so well for this bachelorette party. While flawed, it really wasn’t bad for the type of film it was (it does fall into a specific subgenre). Like I said, hell of a lot better than Spider’s previous effort. Perhaps he does have some filmmaking in his bones in addition to music, just like his big bro (who himself is in need of a comeback). 4/22/2023
Butt Boy
The title isn’t exactly a play on words. Whereas Swallow
dealt with a female character ingesting items not meant for consumption, this
film involves a man sticking items (ranging from a remote control to a dog to
children…yeah) up his rear end after a doctor’s visit. He is seemingly heterosexual too for all you
homophobes making assumptions. We
eventually learn more about what his booty can do too! This film definitely exists in another
universe. It’s not surreal in the David
Lynch sense, no, it’s very straightforward and won’t make you feel like a
grenade went off in your noggin, but it will make you say WTF at times. I didn’t expect what ultimately befalls the
eponymous character either (hint---it ain’t pretty). I didn’t rate this because I’m not entirely
sure who the target audience would be. It
is strangely compelling, I can’t deny that, and not quite like anything I’ve
seen before, but I’d still feel too weird outright recommending it. That doesn’t mean I’m dismissing it either
for those that may be curious…2/13/2021
C
Cadaver OK
(haiku review)
Norwegian. Netflix.
It overstays its welcome.
Felt derivative. 10/25/2020
Calls G
Imagine The Twilight
Zone told through phone conversations.
This 9-episode series (all between 13 and 20 minutes) available on
Apple+ is just that---phone conversations displayed amongst a bunch of wave
signals one might see on a computer screen gone idle; they are all connected
somehow, taking place between February and New Years Eve in different parts of
America. Since there are no images other
than said wave signals accompanying the dialogue, how would it be any different
simply listening to this as opposed to watching it, or reading it on print
since we have to read the entire series anyway, much like a subtitled work? I don’t think it would make a difference, but
I don’t recall seeing a series or movie consisting solely of the concept and
somehow managing to work. It was an
undeniably innovative way to present a tired storyline, which is an apocalyptic
one involving parallel dimensions and space-time theories, bringing to mind
films like The Butterfly Effect and Final Destination (you’ll understand the
comparison to the latter if and when you watch) in addition to the
aforementioned anthology show. It did
feel repetitive at times, but luckily the episodes weren’t too long, and I
actually wanted to continue due to being transfixed for the most part (I don’t
recall being bored often, if at all), and, for that, I’m going to recommend it. 3/21/2021
Camp Twilight EH
Movies set at camp, be they horror or not, are usually
fun. At least they’re supposed to
be. This one was not. Ironically, it stars Felissa Rose, most
famous (at least amongst horror fans) for playing Angela in Sleepaway Camp, one of my favorite
slasher movies, that came out in the early Eighties and spawned three sequels
(at least two of which were fun) and contained a twist that was likely really
shocking for its time. Felissa also
co-wrote and co-produced this, and all I can say is---what the hell were you
thinking?! I hope this was just a
paycheck for you (Camille Keaton from the original I Spit on Your Grave also makes a cameo!). Felissa plays a lady in charge of chaperoning
a group of high school kids to the titular camp in order to avoid failing the
year and bodies eventually start hitting the floor. The kills were so lame and poorly executed,
none I recall being memorable, and an axe and machete were the weapons of
choice, so I should’ve loved the kills. And
if you enjoy trying to figure out the killer in these films, they practically
give it away early on (even though it shouldn’t be too surprising anyway). And not that I care for such things anymore,
but there is a twist towards the end, nowhere near the level of the
aforementioned film, that’s not shocking in the least and doesn’t really alter
what came before; you probably won’t care by that point anyway. If this was supposed to be (ahem) campy fun,
it certainly wasn’t fun in the slightest (I actually think I’m being too
lenient with my already low rating).
Stick to Felissa’s first Camp
film and its two sequels for some fun horror flicks set at camp, and if you
really feel up to it, check out Return to
Sleepaway Camp as well. I’d recommend
that 4th film in the franchise over this garbage any day! 5/31/2021
Candy Corn OK
Candy corn. That
flavorless candy synonymous with the Halloween season no one really likes but
will eat addictively if right in front of them (at least I’m guilty). The candy is featured in this film, but the
generic plot involves a typical revenge scenario in which a somehow resurrected
man takes vengeance on a group of local small-town folks responsible for his “accidental”
demise. Now, I might’ve been okay with
that unoriginal plotline as it’s very hard to be original these days, but this
is one of those movies with so much potential that made me think how I would’ve
made it better (I hate when that happens).
Director Josh Hasty definitely has his heart in the right place (in
regards to genre) and even managed to grab a few genre faces like “Malachai”
from the original Children of the Corn
(Courtney Gains), P.J. Soles (the original Halloween
and Carrie, Rock ‘n’ Roll High School), and “Candyman” himself (Tony
Todd). The film has that cozy, pre-millennial
feel (particularly the Eighties and early Nineties) set around Halloween as
well, and the killer’s mask was definitely worthy. Where I would’ve done things differently were
the kills themselves. Save for a double
limb removal, I wasn’t really impressed with any of the murders; the gore or in
their execution. The killer used his
bare hands for one thing; I would’ve given him some sharp weapons (or any
weapons really) to use as that is what many of us horror fans, if not all, like
to see. When I watch a slasher film, I
want to be impressed with the kills in addition to everything else (the
performances, the cinematography, the locations, etc.), and if at least a good
portion of them don’t work, the film as a whole doesn’t, unfortunately. 10/29/2019
Candyman OK/G
All this time I thought this was a remake when it’s actually a direct sequel to the original 1992 film, much like 2018’s Halloween was to the 1978 original. Well, when I read about it a while ago I thought it was more of a re-imagining. I am a fan of the original Candyman, I am; parts 2 and 3 (Farewell to the Flesh and Day of the Dead) released in 1995 and 1999 are forgettable. Since this new film is a sequel and not a remake, I was a little more forgiving of it (yes, I hate remakes more than sequels), but it actually wasn’t that bad for a sequel released almost 30 years later. It’s definitely more topical than the original was, for those that may care, and there are effective uses of shadow puppetry during flashbacks. It did feel a tad limited and ended too soon, and, being that it is a sequel, it did suffer somewhat from “sequelitis” in regards to the legendary predecessor (needless to say, parts 2 and 3 don’t exist in this universe), but, as far as sequels go (especially released this far apart), you could do worse (those aforementioned ones being examples). 11/19/2021
Capsized: Blood in the Water OK/G
TV movie that premiered during Shark Week this year based on
a true story about a group of five people ending up (ahem) capsized after a
storm on their way to Florida from Maryland at the end of October in 1982 (shortly
before I was born). [I always thought
there should be actual movies during Shark Week]. Their momentary saving grace is a life raft
that keeps them afloat and protects them from the sharks beneath. It’s kind of like Open Water but not quite; they didn’t have a raft for protection in
Open Water; plus I was reminded of The Perfect Storm in the beginning and then
several “lost at sea” TV movies I’ve seen (one that came to mind involved a
family lost at sea and the father jumps in at one time to catch a turtle for
food; I don’t remember the title though).
This is primarily about the ordeal that follows the capsizing and how
they deal with the situation; the sharks are just an added danger in addition
to starvation and dehydration (everyone knows you shouldn’t drink ocean water
and that proves fatal for at least one member).
This really wasn’t that bad for a TV movie made in 2019. They did a satisfactory enough job of
juxtaposing real shark footage with the performers too (points for no apparent
CGI!). 8/3/2019
Castle Rock: Season Two OK/G
Round 2 of this Hulu series taking place in the titular fictional
town created by Stephen King. It is an
anthology series, not show, meaning each season, not episode, involves a
different story and different characters, much like American Horror Story or Channel
Zero or True Detective. Therefore, you don’t necessarily have to see
season one before this season, there being just a very few references to the
first, but I would assume most people have OCD like me and wouldn’t want to
watch part two of anything before part one.
I did like the first season, enough to be my favorite TV show of 2018
(you can read my review in the archives at www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com and check out any yearly ‘best of’ list at www.bestworstarchive.blogspot.com). Stephen King is apparently only an executive
producer for this series and didn’t write any of the episodes for either season
(nor is either season based directly off any of his works). Without Mr. King’s fictional works though,
this series would’ve never existed (like I mentioned in my review of season
one). This season appeared to be a
prequel of sorts to Misery being that
it contained a younger, non-Kathy Bates version of Annie Wilkes from that story
as one of the main characters, although I think the season overall was more of
an homage to Salem’s Lot. There are no vampires, just souls possessing
bodies, but King fans, or at least those that have seen or are familiar with
that vampire tale, will understand my comparison. This season (containing ten episodes with the
longest one being an hour and the shortest being 35 minutes) wasn’t as good as
the last one, but is still decent enough to check out and I will definitely
keep returning to any seasons made in the future. I never felt like I was forcing myself to
continue with this season and that’s usually a good sign. 2/22/2020
The Cellar G
Irish film available on Shudder starring Elisha Cuthbert as a married woman with two kids that just bought a new home. Her teenage daughter goes missing after walking into (drum roll…) the cellar after a power outage. There are theories she comes across suggesting an otherworldly presence, eventually learning it is something quite evil. The title sounds as generic as they come (I came across at least three movies with the same title in a search), and the beginning may appear to hint an indistinctive haunted house flick is coming, but this actually ends up being better than I thought. It does not disappoint. At least I didn’t think so (I really am my own critic since it currently holds a 31% rating out of 62 critics on Rotten Tomatoes). Sure, it does contain familiar tropes (it’s not perfect), but it’s definitely a worthy atmospheric gothic horror film. [You know that feeling when you ascend basement steps by yourself, especially at night, and there’s that subconscious notion someone or something might be following you and/or grab you? I think this film does a swell job of evoking that sense of dread at times]. It doesn’t exactly end positively either, concluding adequately enough without suggesting a sequel. 11/9/2022
Centigrade G
A couple, I’m guessing American, are traveling in Norway for
a book tour before ending up trapped in their car after pulling over during a
freezing rain storm the night before.
The woman is pregnant and I really don’t know why they decided to travel
so far in her pregnancy, but no one can foresee being trapped in a car covered
in ice and snow either. The car is so
covered you wouldn’t be able to know it was there while driving by or flying
overhead. As you can guess, this creates
quite the predicament. They only have a
limited amount of food and water, one of their phones works for about a minute
to no avail, they are able to use candles for light and they do have seemingly
enough blankets, but eventually it will get colder, the food/drinks will run
out, and remember that pregnancy I mentioned?
Not too much happens in the general sense, but given the use of one very
confined location for roughly 99% of the time and the fact the idea is rather
frightening in theory and could very well happen (allegedly it is based on
fact, but isn’t everything anymore?), however unforeseen (as in most survival
instances), I’m going to give it a mild recommendation for somewhat managing to
work situationally. 2/4/2021
Chambers: Season One G
Chapelwaite OK
Ten-episode series available on Epix based on a short story contained in Night Shift by Stephen King entitled “Jerusalem’s Lot.” [I did read that short story years ago and remember liking it, but couldn’t recall a single thing even when watching. Therefore, I went into this series blind which could be better in order to avoid comparisons; I do prefer reading the book before watching the movie as opposed to vice versa. I’ll re-read the short story which is a little over 30 pages soon]. Surely you must have heard of Mr. King’s novel, Salem’s Lot, and the movie adaptations (another one supposedly coming next year)? It’s a sequel to the short story and it involves vampires, therefore this series must deal with vampires, no? Absolutely, and the v-word wasn’t widely used during the mid-19th century when this predominantly takes place (the few other times are flashbacks). It involves a man (played by Adrien Brody) returning from the sea with his three children after his wife/their mother passes to a home left to him by his cousin. Chapelwaite is the name of the home, located in Maine (Stephen King? Where else? Although it was filmed in Canada), not far from the town of Jerusalem’s Lot wherein a vampire resides with other vamps and wants something contained in the titular house. Being this is a Stephen King adaptation and that there are vampires, it should go without saying that not too much good results from all this. It does drag at times, no surprise given all ten episodes are roughly around the 50-minute mark, but they generally go by quicker than you think. Stephen King completists will likely watch it no matter what anyone says, and I’m not deterring anyone from doing so either (I’m one of those completists); it is a decent gothic yarn undoubtedly with atmosphere, but as a horror story, and as a series in general, it’s really nothing too special. 11/4/2021
Charlotte EH
Charlotte: The Return EH
Thinking this was an evil doll movie (with a sequel) that
somehow bypassed my radar, I decided to check it out. Charlotte
does contain a doll, yes (or two), but it’s really an anthology film presented
as stories on a TV the doll forces a tied-up babysitter (which we don’t see happen)
to watch. Now, I’m not sure if the
doll’s name is actually Charlotte, or if she even has a name, but I do remember
the name mentioned in the first segment containing no doll (well, voodoo
dolls). And I would be willing to turn a
blind eye to the bit of false advertising since I do love anthology films as
well, if it was actually a good one. It
is a low-budget feature, as you probably guessed, mainly due to the fact it’s
unknown (I only recognized one face throughout the entire film that won’t be
recognizable to all), but low-budget certainly never means unworthy. There are 8 tales in this 80-something-minute
film and only two truly stood out for me---one involving girl scouts, the other
involving a movie theater---but even they weren’t so spectacular to recommend
the film; even one tale involving another doll felt completely empty and a bit
anticlimactic. Even though I wasn’t
crazy about Charlotte, I saw that the
sequel, Charlotte: The Return, was also free (both on Tubi,
y’all!) and wasn’t that long (even less than 80-minutes), so I figured, why
not? The first segment was actually kind
of dark and made me hopeful for the rest of them, but, unfortunately, that was
the only one that stood out for me this time.
I can’t even tell you exactly how many vignettes there are, but does it
really matter if I’m not recommending it?
Again, there was only one recognizable face throughout the entire
picture, and likely only recognizable to an esoteric audience. Neither one were the worst films I’ve seen,
but I say that about lots of movies, so don’t take that as any amount of
praise, not even an iota, because they both still sucked (perhaps why they should’ve bypassed my radar), as
anthology films and evil doll movies (more of the former but advertised as the
latter). 6/28/2021
The Chestnut Man EH/OK
(haiku review)
New. Netflix. Six eps.
Murder mystery. Denmark.
Standard; drags often. 10/4/2021
*In Danish with subtitles*
Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget EH/OK
Chicken Run was a decent stop-motion film from 2000 about chickens plotting an escape from a farm whose owners planned on turning them into pies. This recent Netflix sequel doesn’t take place much later than it (obviously not 23 years). Whereas the chickens wanted to escape a farm in the first one, this one they try breaking into one (for a reason, of course). This farm may be much more of a colorful paradise than the previously drab one in the countryside, but the chickens this time are intended to end up as fast food nuggets. Rotten Tomatoes states “there’s a general feeling of diminishing returns,” which is exactly the right description I was looking for (that site currently has a 79% rating out of 86 critics though); it is largely a remake of its predecessor that really offers nothing new aside from a few characters. It may have been harmless, but it wasn’t exactly necessary…12/15/2023
Children of the Corn OK
The 11th film of the franchise. I’m guessing it was intended as a remake, this being the second one (there was another remake in 2009), but I would say it could be a re-imagining as well, or simply just another unrelated sequel (the only other film I reviewed before was Runaway, which you can read in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/03/mooby-reviews-31818.html). In case you don’t know what to expect---there’s a town in Nebraska (not Gatlin though; filmed in Australia), there’s a cornfield, there’s a He Who Walks Behind the Rows (just He Who Walks now), and there are evil kids that kill (namely adults). This remake/re-imagining/sequel/whatever it is has its moments, those moments likely to please the more indiscriminate horror fans (evil kids do get to do as evil kids do). There are also some not-moments as well, particularly in regards to He Who Walks. He felt like he belonged in a different movie. It was really just the digital effects (anyone that knows me knows I’m not a fan). There were at least two other scenes containing digital effects I wasn’t keen on, one being the very end. It would’ve been a much better movie without the digital effects (although He Who Walks likely would’ve still looked dopey with practical effects). I would’ve been completely okay with He Who Walks implied rather than shown, even if we just saw his point of view. Otherwise, it really wasn’t too, too bad for a remake/re-imagining/sequel/11th entry of a franchise. Wasn’t exactly a masterpiece, but wasn’t entirely unnecessary either. 5/9/2023
Child’s Play OK/G
Yes, as much as I complained about this remake (like any)
and as much as I hated Chucky’s new look, curiosity got the better of me after
reading several reviews from horror publications. You would think how much I complain about
remakes, I wouldn’t bother watching them in order to stop promoting them (I
blame my OCD). Some of them are actually
worthy (check out my list in my review of the Pet Sematary documentary, dated 4/11/19) and, let’s face it,
they’re going to keep happening from here on out whether we like it or
not. Regardless of what version is out
there, the version you love and/or grew up with is never going to be eradicated. Anyway, as much as I love the Chucky movies,
I never saw one in the theater---the first three I was too young, I can’t
remember why I didn’t go see Bride, Seed I had no interest at the time, and
the last two (Curse and Cult) were direct-to-video. Therefore, this is officially the first Chucky
movie I’ve seen theatrically. What did I
think? As a standalone film, it actually
wasn’t that bad. That being said, I
think they could’ve made this its own movie.
Yes, it’s called Child’s Play,
there’s a killer doll named Chucky, and there’s a kid named Andy living with
his single mother whom works at a department store, but those are all adjustable
comparisons. Instead of the doll being
possessed by a serial killer via voodoo, this doll, actually a technological
device similar to Alexa called Buddi instead of Good Guy, was intentionally
made defective by a fired worker in a Vietnamese production facility. It could be yet another cautionary tale about
how dangerous modern technology can become, sort of like a Black Mirror episode. There
are some funny moments and a good portion of worthy violence (one scene
involving a car is a bit silly), but the film felt too short and I expected more violence. I definitely didn’t hate it though, far from
it, as much as I hated the idea upon hearing of it, and actually won’t deter
you from checking it out during bargain times or when it’s released on
DVD/Blu-ray/Streaming. Like I said, the
original Chucky films will always be there and will likely always be my
favorite versions since I grew up with them, but this was a passable
re-imagining (never thought I’d say that).
6/24/2019
The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: Part 2 EH
I didn’t like the first part (they’re actually called parts
instead of seasons) of Sabrina initially
(check out my review in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com), but
after some convincing from fellow horror fans (both professional and non), I
continued and ended up slightly enthralled, enough to want to keep watching. This time, unfortunately, I wasn’t spellbound. I actually put it off for over a week halfway
through and forced myself to continue (never a good sign) since I made it this
far and hoped it may have gotten better…it didn’t. One of my complaints about the first part was
the uneven combination of “teenybopper”-ness and dark. Sadly, I would’ve actually preferred some of
the teenybopper this time. As for the
dark, every time I thought it was going to lead somewhere, it didn’t last long
and switched gears abruptly. There was
way too much going on this time with seemingly more romantic aspects as well as
a bunch of listless dialogue. This part
consisted of nine episodes where the shortest was 54 minutes and the longest
was 64---that definitely aided in making them all drag. Shows can be just as effective in half the
time (only an anthology show might be necessary for longer episodes). Episode 4 was a bit interesting in that it
took a Pulp Fiction/Go route by focusing on different
characters in segments, but even that one had me checking the time. The last episode (#9) had me thinking it may
have gone somewhere dark but ultimately just ended up teasing me. It’s already been confirmed there will be at
least a part three and four. The very end
of this part suggested part three could be compelling, but I’ve been teased one
time too many to think it might actually end up being worth it (sorry,
cliffhangers don’t necessarily work for us seasoned viewers). Given how much I disliked this season, it’s
going to take much convincing and several review readings (something I try to avoid
as much as possible beforehand) to make me tune in the next round. Sorry (even though I shouldn’t apologize
since I wasted my time), but I just
wasn’t feeling it this season (or part).
Not one bit. 4/25/2019
The Cleaning Lady OK/G
Chilling Adventures of
Sabrina: Part 3 OK/G
“… Given how much I
disliked this season, it’s going to take much convincing and several review
readings (something I try to avoid as much as possible beforehand) to make me
tune in the next round…”
That statement above was part of my review for the second
season (or part, whatever) of this dark teen series available on Netflix (you
can read the entire review in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). Well, I didn’t take any convincing or read
any reviews before watching this part/season and, instead, let my curiosity and
OCD get the better of me, in addition to the end of part/season 2 promising a
better storyline (as all endings for TV shows and movie franchises tend to
do). For those that haven’t yet watched
this series and have a hesitant desire to, let it be known that I can’t remember
a damn thing from part/season 2 even after reading each episode’s description
on Wikipedia, so I say just skip part/season 2 and let “Sabrina” herself
(Kiernan Shipka) give you a rundown of what happened before this part/season’s
first episode (2 minutes as opposed to roughly 9 hours, you’re welcome!). I can’t say I’m entirely enamored with this
show, but I “like” it…I guess. With the
exception of part/season 2, I think it’s a little better than okay, put it that
way. I think the first part/season is the
best so far, minus the first episode (you can also read my review for that part/season
in the archives), but this part/season comes close; it was infinitely better
than the last part/season, that’s for sure.
It consists of eight one-hour (give or take) episodes and they sometimes
do actually feel that long (an hour an episode for a TV show is quite lengthy after all), but they
are generally entertaining too (I don’t remember being bored too many
times). As of now, there is a fourth
part/season planned with no air date yet.
Sure…yeah, I think I’ll tune in for it; this part/season definitely made
me a little more interested in the series again. 1/31/2020
Chilling Adventures of
Sabrina (Part 4) OK/G
I made it this far and this is seemingly the final season
(although that’s what they say now) of this slightly dark variation concerning
the teenage witch (played by Kiernan Shipka).
I wasn’t going to rewatch all three previous seasons before this, so I
just read the synopsis for each episode on Wikipedia; plus there’s a recap of
season three before the first episode, so I’m guessing what’s shown in that
recap is obviously the most important.
With the exception of season two (or part, as seasons are labeled for
this Netflix series), this series was fine enough for me (you can read my
reviews of the first three seasons/parts in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com);
not fine in the sense I’ll buy a t-shirt, poster, or any other memorabilia promoting
the show, or join a Facebook group devoted to it, but fine in the sense I
enjoyed enough of it to kind of recommend and the only time I’ll ever discuss
it is if mentioned. I did watch all four
seasons/parts after all and the only time I truly felt like I forced myself to
continue was during season/part 2. This
part consisted of eight episodes, each one involving an Eldritch terror with
plans on destroying anyone and everything, not just this fictional town of
Greendale and its inhabitants. That did
make things a bit interesting in having a different terror each episode, but
the episodes are all roughly an hour (like the other seasons/parts) and
sometimes they actually feel so (TV episodes should rarely ever be an hour a
piece unless it’s an anthology show).
Like I said though, I never really felt like I forced myself to continue
after each episode. If they do actually
decide to end it here, and I think they should (lest it overstay its mild
welcome), I think it concluded fair enough, some might even say a bit poignantly. 1/2/2021
Christmas Bloody Christmas OK/G
I couldn’t wait to watch this after hearing it was a holiday horror film involving a robotic killer Santa Claus (which is now available on Shudder and AMC+). I do love Yuletide horror movies. I was actually reminded of Hardware in addition to Silent Night, Deadly Night. Other than seeing a brief news segment stating the Santa’s were recalled, I don’t recall seeing or hearing how this human-size festive robot (with a very human demeanor) went rogue (not too much time is wasted before it does so either). How the hell did this animatronic Kris Kringle know to look for an axe before he first went apeshit? How did it know where the two main characters lived after spotting them walking from a distance before driving away? There’s no way it would’ve been able to keep up with them. How did it know how to operate a shotgun for the first time? And how the hell did it know how to drive an ambulance?!!! I’m willing to suspend all logic, sometimes, for entertainment if I actually enjoy it. Clearly this film is flawed, but I did enjoy a decent amount of it. I was likely expecting too much from it the first time while taking it all in. Some of the violence may be over the top, but the film is sure nice to look at, and definitely not low-budget. I liked getting to know the two main characters as well, they conversing about movies and music (in regards to one of their debates---Pet Sematary Two is certainly a worthy sequel, but it’s not better than its predecessor!; and at least she said Child’s Play 2 was her favorite of that franchise---mine too!). This appears to be one of those “turn the brain off and enjoy the ride” features. I’ll definitely watch it again…12/15/2022
The Christmas
Chronicles: Part Two OK
The first one was a decent holiday film released 2 years ago
on Netflix (you can read my review for it in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com---and
this sequel is also available on the streaming platform). Chris Columbus directed as well as produced
(the first time he only produced), he also being behind the holiday classics, Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, as well as the original Adventures in Babysitting and Mrs. Doubtfire, among others. The same family returns, as well as Kurt
Russell and Goldie Hawn as Mr. and Mrs. Claus, in addition to more characters
(as is common in many sequels). This
time, much like the first time (although this one has a different feel to it),
something happens that might stop Christmas from coming and some of the
characters must work to overcome this hindrance. It may not necessarily be an unnecessary
sequel, and it did manage to avoid being super corny (although it may have come
across that way at times), but it still suffers from sequel-itis, namely, not
as good as its predecessor and likely forgettable. Still not that
bad for a sequel though, especially a Netflix movie. 11/29/2020
Chucky (Season One)
Anyone that knows me well knows I love Chucky. I’ve been a fan since watching two of the movies in elementary school back in the Nineties. Child’s Play 2 is probably my favorite film in the series (it was also the first one I saw). Seed of Chucky is my least favorite, but it’s still not the worst movie I’ve seen (I still watch it when I have Chucky marathons). Anyone that knows me well also knows I’m not a fan of remakes, even though I always end up watching them anyway (damn OCD). I actually ended up liking the Child’s Play remake, enough to buy the DVD and see it at least three times already (you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/06/childs-playtoy-story-4.html)! Upon hearing of a TV show, this one, you can say I was undeniably excited. I’ve been reading that it is strictly for the fans and that fans will definitely enjoy it. Well, I’m a fan (if you haven’t figured that out) and I liked it, but didn’t love it. Perhaps my expectations were too high (yes, even for a series featuring a killer doll with eight movies, if you include the remake, under his belt) and maybe if I binged the series (which you can now do on SYFY, USA, or, now, Peacock) instead of tuning in weekly (I seriously don’t know how we always did that back in the day), I may have loved it instead of liked it. Who knows, maybe I’ll like it better if I watch again, and I likely will when I have a Chucky marathon. You do need to have seen the other films before watching this series, because it is a sequel to those films and only those aware of the franchise will understand a lot of what’s included here. Needless to say though, I don’t think anyone that isn’t a fan of the Chucky movies will have any interest in this series consisting of 8 episodes roughly around the 40-minute mark each (the last one being a bit longer). Now, why didn’t I love it like I’m allegedly supposed to? Hmm…I don’t know. I guess it had too much of a TV production feel, if that makes sense (I knew I was tuning into a TV show after all). The kills were equally unworthy as they were worthy (yes, there are kills, obviously). I guess, like always in sequels/remakes/what have you, too much backstory on the characters might not really be necessary (one example being a scene wherein Tiffany reveals something to Charles Lee Ray in regards to the first film that kind of doesn’t really tie in with a scene from Bride of Chucky). It does work okay as a coming-of-age story, a gay coming-of-age story at that (Don Mancini, the creator of Chucky, is gay, for those unaware), while also containing Chucky. Maybe I do need to watch it again (now that I can do it straight through)…I should’ve loved it since there was violence and Chucky was in it enough. There is already a season two in the works and I will definitely check it out since I love Chucky and he will always be my friend to the end. Also, since I liked Child’s Play 2 better than its predecessor, perhaps I’ll like season two better than this one? 12/2/2021
Chucky (Season 2)
There are eight episodes again (all roughly 40-something minutes, again) which you can now binge instead of tuning in weekly like I did. I didn’t love the first season (you can read my review in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/12/chucky-season-one.html), nor did I love this one, but I somewhat enjoyed them on different levels than I enjoy the films (namely the first four). There’s a different feel to this series than the films, in tone and overall production. Chucky certainly became a fixture of pop culture (which some might label sellout) and some of this is a bit too self-aware (i.e. Chucky appearing on a talk show and the appearance of Jennifer Tilly’s Bound castmates). As far as whimsical villains go though, I’m Team Chucky over Team Freddy Krueger, that’s for sure. I do like the appearance of the Kyle and Andy characters (played by Christine Elise and Alex Vincent, respectively) since they tie in with the franchise, and both are part of my favorite entry in the series (Child’s Play 2). I also like how the title in the beginning of each episode contains specific items in the letters. Being it’s a Chucky series, there is violence, needless to say, much of it over-the-top (I did like the violence in the last episode, which was also a Christmas one that ironically aired the night before Thanksgiving). As of now, there is no season three confirmation, but I will continue if there is one. Even if the property ends up being less than stellar, I’m always going to watch anything with Chucky involved. I love Chucky and he’s my friend to the end…11/26/2022
A Classic Horror Story OK/G
I’ve been looking forward to this Netflix film upon hearing
it was a throwback and The Texas Chainsaw
Massacre was mentioned in comparison.
Sure, many movies try to be The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre and many modern movies try to be throwbacks, but
I’m always interested and perhaps one might actually be a modern “classic” in
the making. Now, “classic” is most
certainly a subjective (albeit collective) term and for this movie to title
itself A “Classic” Horror Story is a bit pretentious, no? It is in regards to a comment made by one of
the characters though and you’ll realize its more significant meaning by the
end. You’ll definitely be reminded of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre initially,
as it follows a group of people traveling in an RV in Italy (yes, it is an
Italian movie, and while some parts may be in English, it is mostly subtitled,
F.Y.I.) that end up stranded in the middle of the woods after an accident the
night before. There is a single house in
the middle of these woods with no one home at first, but there are plenty of
signifiers (pictures, ritualistic items, dead animals, etc.) that would tell
you straight up in movie world and the real world to get the hell out of
dodge! Now, back to that “classic” film
referenced more than once above…they all want to be The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but don’t realize there is only one Texas Chainsaw Massacre---it was
directed by Tobe Hooper and came out in 1974.
This ends up being just as much The
Wicker Man and films of that ilk (I was even reminded of Midsommar at one time, a film not nearly
old enough to be labeled a classic yet), but a twist about ¾ of the way reveals
it to be another type of movie. The twist kind of ruined what came before,
but simultaneously didn’t (if that makes sense), because, on one hand, it lead
to a completely different outcome one would expect from the type of movie it already
was, and, on the other hand, it did make it a completely different movie. I would say it was disappointing, and it kind
of was (it wasn’t a fresh twist either), but it also made many of what came
before feel a little less clichรฉd and predictable (which some of it certainly
was) in the grand scheme of things. This
film wasn’t bad, no, and I’d even tell horror fans to check it out at least
once, but just don’t keep your expectations too high (I wish I would stop doing
that). 7/14/2021
Classmates EH
(haiku review)
College girls “switch” lives.
Freaky Friday this is not.
This Tubi film sucked. 5/10/2023
The Cleaning Lady OK/G
This was a decent thriller involving a lady mistakingly
befriending the (physically and mentally) scarred cleaning lady. Basically, you should always be cautious of
who you allow into your life and home.
Clearly this cleaning lady is off from the get-go and you know something
is eventually going to go down (I don’t think I’m spoiling it by saying
something does). You do gradually learn
more about this girl and understand how she became the way she is, like most cinematic
villains, but any sane person would say that still doesn’t condone her behavior
towards others. Like I said in the first
sentence, this was decent but felt rather generic; plus, it ended quite
abruptly, making it appear somewhat closure-less, at least to me. Oh, and if you’re a mouse lover or any kind
of animal rights activist, you might want to skip the very beginning. 6/15/2019
Clerk. G
Kevin Smith. Also known as Silent Bob. To me, Kevin Smith stopped making movies after Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, but returned briefly to give us Clerks II. Some of his other movies may not have been bad, but they weren’t Kevin Smith movies to me (and I think many other pre-Jersey Girl fans can agree; hopefully his upcoming Clerks III is worth it, because he is long overdue for a comeback). This documentary chronicles the filmmaker’s (or multi-hyphenate’s) journey from the legendary Clerks all the way to his completely disappointing Jay and Silent Bob Reboot. A good portion of the material presented won’t be much news to the average Smith fan, but not too much time is spent on any one film or accomplishment to make any of it feel too drawn out. I generally enjoyed it even when it covered the years I wasn’t as much a fan (luckily crap like Cop Out and Yoga Hosers weren’t discussed very long). Parts of his life outside of film are included too. You hear from family and friends throughout, friends being mostly celebrities. Even if you aren’t too aware of Kevin Smith but do know of him, this doc would be a good introduction (I don’t recall any spoilers given for any of the films). I do think it’s ultimately for fans of the man though, it being a love letter of sorts. I can’t deny how significant he’s been in part of my life. At one time, he’s one of the filmmakers that made me want to be a director. And he’s a fellow Jersey boy, which I always thought was cool. 12/31/2021
Clerks III G
Kevin Smith (Silent Bob) was one of my favorite filmmakers at one time. I still say that he is one of them based on his pre-Jersey Girl oeuvre, plus Clerks II. Sure, I didn’t mind Jersey Girl, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Red State, and Tusk, but they felt like they could’ve been made by other filmmakers. I hated Cop Out, Yoga Hosers, and Jay and Silent Bob Reboot (you can check out my vitriolic reviews of Yoga in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2016/12/mooby-reviews-121316.html, and Reboot in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/01/creepshow-season-onejay-and-silent-bob.html). In other words, Mr. Smith was in dire need of a comeback. Clerks is definitely my favorite of his films, one of my favorite films in general probably, and Clerks II was a worthy follow-up; I also love the six-episode Clerks animated series that I wish had more episodes. In other words, I love this specific part of Kevin Smith’s cinematic universe. This threequel felt like a biopic of sorts for Mr. Smith in that it rivaled parts of his own life, i.e. having a heart attack and making a film about working in a convenience store (which was how Clerks was birthed in the first place). Sometimes it felt like a behind-the-scenes making of the first movie, mockumentary-style (on a side note, you can check out my review of the documentary on Kevin Smith, Clerk., in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/01/clerkthe-feast.html). Because of that, there are many references to the Clerks universe, as well as other Smith films, that only fans will pick up. Luckily a large portion of it remained in the signature Clerks style. Now, I didn’t think it was as good as Clerks, hell, I didn’t think Clerks II was as good as its predecessor either, but they both had a lot to live up to. I enjoyed enough of this long-awaited film that makes a fitting end to the franchise (I don’t think it would feel right to make another one and you’ll understand why). I found myself laughing out loud a couple times and the conclusion was rather poignant without feeling sappy. In other words, I can accept this as a comeback for Kevin after all those bombs he gave us. 12/6/2022
Climax G
Gaspar Noe, the experimental French (Argentine-born)
filmmaker. He’s given us the experimental
yet stylish and effective Irreversible
which contains a brutally realistic rape scene rivaling, if not surpassing,
those in the original I Spit on Your
Grave. I was a fan of that film. I remember Enter the Void being trippy as fuck but also lengthy as fuck. I have yet to see Love but one of these days I’ll get around to it (it’s currently
available on Netflix and rated NC-17 so what am I waiting for?). This is his latest project involving a group
of dancers having a party before everything goes to shit as a result of someone
spiking the sangria. Oh, it is a French
film if my mentioning of the filmmaker didn’t register, so there are subtitles
for those not fluent in French; there’re just a very few parts in English. The premise sounds as simple as they come and
has likely occurred at many a party (high school or otherwise), but this is
110% style and not exactly for all tastes being that Mr. Noe is behind it. You don’t see what the altered characters see
firsthand, but you do witness how they’re all affected and occasionally feel as
if you yourself are drugged up (credit to the cinematographers). It didn’t end up being as disturbing as it
could’ve been or as I anticipated, although it surely has its moments, but the
film definitely had my attention and for that I’m certain. 3/18/2019
Clown Doll OK/G
The title is one word (ClownDoll)
in some places and The Clown Doll in
others, but apparently this is the only movie with that title, so whatever. I do love clown movies and I do love doll
movies. The doll here is life-size and
the clown design is obviously a mask and wig, so this is really a slasher movie
with a clown as the slasher. Is that a
complaint? Not at all. I actually liked the way the clown
looked. I want to recommend this film
based on that alone. Plus, there are
some kills, some of them worthy too. It
is slow at times and it is a low-budget film, that much is obvious, but it’s
not as bad as it could’ve been based on that, although, yes, it would’ve
benefitted from a better budget. I was
hoping it wouldn’t contain an overdone twist I thought it was leading towards,
and while it does feel a bit ambiguous at the end, it’s actually exactly what
you think it is after I pondered about it afterwards…I hope. Even if it does contain one of those “open to
interpretation” endings, I’m sticking with my conclusion because it’s a much
better movie that way. Not a bad
addition, nor a masterpiece, to the clown horror subgenre. 5/3/2021
Clown Motel EH/OK
Social media has its pros and cons; a con being most people
have access to it at their fingertips every waking moment of every day (yes,
some of us, myself included, still prefer using the internet the old-fashioned
way with a computer screen, keyboard and mouse, but that doesn’t mean us
“old-fashioned” types aren’t consumed by it either); a pro being I come across
ads in which I can view movies for free before their release date, as was the
case with this movie involving the real motel located in Nevada. Not only am I always interested in new horror
movies being released, but I’m even more interested whenever it involves clowns
(don’t even ask me why I’ve always had a fascination with evil clowns because I
can’t even answer it). Granted, they’re
not always good and unfortunately there’s more bad than good ones or even just
okay ones, but that never stops me from watching them. If you took away the clowns and the story
took place at another hotel in the middle of nowhere, this would be just
another unoriginal haunted location film.
My biggest gripe was that the clowns weren’t frightening at all
(coulrophobes might think otherwise, but if you’re afraid of clowns in general,
wouldn’t you be afraid of innocuous ones like Ronald McDonald and Krusty the
Clown as well?), nor were any of them particularly memorable (two of them were
even played by the original Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers!). There is a bit of violence, but not enough to
make me feel any different, although I have never seen someone murdered with a
windshield wiper before (that I will remember)!
Although I may have been disappointed with this, I don’t regret watching
it and still want to visit the real location.
That is how you know if you like a movie or not, by watching it, is it
not? And although it may be
disappointing when you don’t like a movie you’ve been looking forward to
watching, I think it’s worse not being able to see it at all (thanks again
Facebook)! Perhaps my fellow clown
lovers will like it better---we need as many clown horror movies as we can
get. I just hope one day there’re more
good/okay ones than below-average/bad ones.
Check out these websites for more info on the film: (https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/clown-motel-dark-horror-film-finishing-fund#/),
(https://www.facebook.com/ClownMotel2016/). 5/14/2019
Cocaine Bear OK/G
Are you supposed to take a movie called Cocaine Bear seriously? It is based on a true story, yes, but stops where the bear gets into some cocaine (this is one site you can read about the incident---https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2022/12/01/cocaine-bear-movie-true-story/). [Bear attack movies may not be as abundant as say shark attack movies, but there’s been enough (somewhat) to have its own subgenre; Backcountry and The Edge are probably the best to date, and Grizzly is fine too (does The Great Outdoors count?)]. This is a horror-comedy, but never feels like a parody despite the premise. Like the real incident, it takes place in the Eighties (there’s some popular tunes on the soundtrack) in the Southern U.S. (although filmed in Ireland). There is violence, yes, and as gory as it gets at times, I feel there were parts even more violence was restrained (I sense an unrated version will be released). The bear was CGI (obviously) and I knew it was beforehand, but it doesn’t look too, too obvious, and realistic enough without being distracting. It wasn’t ultimately as fun as I thought it would be, or could be (at least not yet; first viewings and all), but I still think it was enjoyable enough and a worthy addition to the “bearsploitation” subgenre. R.I.P. Ray Liotta. 2/28/2023
Cocaine Shark VB
It was only a matter of time right? Of course I knew not to take it seriously; hell, I didn’t even take Cocaine Bear seriously and that was released theatrically with a bigger budget (you can read my review for that here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2023/03/cocaine-bear.html). Whether I take it seriously or not and however low my expectations may be, it’s still a matter of whether you should spend roughly 70-minutes of your mortal existence with it, free or not (it is on Tubi, meaning free, with ads). Well, if my rating didn’t make it clear enough, the answer is an emphatic no! The one involving the bear was a masterpiece compared to this. I almost want to give it a teeny, tiny bit of credit for utilizing stop-motion effects in these highly digitized times, but the scenes involving them were constructed extremely poorly (the kills being some of the worst I’ve seen; yes, even for this type of movie). The titular creature is the result of an incident making it become a “crab shark,” and there are two other creatures as a result of this incident we barely get to see (a subplot involving a “man shark” would’ve been an interesting concept, at least theoretically); hell, we barely even get to see the titular shark itself in its scant run-time! No loss considering how awful the effects look. The rest of the movie involves drugs (No way! Really?) and bad people that good people try to avoid (or something like that). Of course a film with a title like this is going to make myself and those like myself curious, but, my dear readers, you need not satiate your curiosity all the time, as hard as it may be, and this is one of those times you best save 70-minutes for something worthwhile. Did I mention I wasn’t a fan of this movie? 6/30/2023
Color Out of Space G
I wanted to see this film ever since reading about it in Fangoria
and then Rue Morgue (two of my favorite magazines). Seeing that it was going to be theatrically
released at the end of January, I forced myself to finally get around to
reading the short story (“The Colour Out of Space”) by H.P. Lovecraft in
preparation. I really liked the short
story and couldn’t wait to see the movie, actually hoping it would be a
faithful adaptation. Well, the end of
January comes around and the movie isn’t playing anywhere near me! I was bummed, as you can imagine, but saw it
was being released on video (DVD/Blu-ray) at the end of this month, so I said I could wait as much as I didn’t want
to. I put it on the top of my Netflix
queue this week and it wasn’t sent to me, so I went to rent it at Redbox (I
waited too damn long). Was it worth the
wait? Yes and no, ultimately yes. I wasn’t a fan of some of the special
effects, namely the ones involving alpacas and a mother/son hybrid, but I still
didn’t hate them and both were practical (they reminded me too much of John
Carpenter’s The Thing, a movie I
think is highly overrated and I seem to be in the minority with my opinion,
especially in the horror world). The
effects were a combination of practical and CGI, some naturally had to be CGI
(like the colors) and many of those I forgave (although there’s a CGI cat I wasn’t
a fan of). Ultimately, I liked it better
on paper (as a short story), but I was still mesmerized by much of it, as I
hoped I’d be, and satisfied enough by the time it ended despite my
aforementioned misgivings. I’ve never
seen any other adapted versions of this story, except for maybe The Curse, but this was more of a direct
adaptation. This is also Richard
Stanley’s first feature film in over 20 years (not counting documentaries and a
segment in The Theater Bizarre),
having been fired from 1996’s The Island
of Dr. Moreau (if interested in the entire story, just Google his name or
there’s a documentary titled Lost Soul
which I haven’t seen). I am a fan of his
first film, Hardware, and finally got
around to seeing Dust Devil (it was
just okay) not that long ago after reading about it in conjunction with this
film’s article in Rue Morgue.
He’s mentioned plans on adapting another Lovecraft work, The Dunwich
Horror, and I’d definitely be interested; I just have to make sure I get
around to reading that short story
beforehand. 2/26/2020
The Conference OK/G
Swedish slasher flick available on Netflix (yes, that means there are subtitles). Stephen Graham Jones wrote in his most recent Fangoria column, Slasher Nation, that there are generally two motives for killers in slasher movies; one, being revenge (as many of them are), and the other involving territory (i.e. Leatherface). This one is obviously the former. You know why the killer is killing here fairly early and it doesn’t matter because us slasher fans have seen enough of these movies to know what to expect; we just want to get to know the characters a bit and see some kills, the kills being the main attraction. The setting plays a factor in these films too and here it’s perfect---an isolated campground with a bunch of little cabins surrounded by a lake and woods. There are no kiddies or teens being hacked at this camp though, nope; it is a bunch of adults holding a conference (surprise, surprise) at the location to discuss the inauguration of a mall planned nearby (said mall and the ensuing consequences being the foundation for the killer’s revenge). Not all the characters here are exactly likeable, but that’s not always necessary as long as we do get to know them, and we do. The kills are fine, but I felt they held back on some that could’ve been more extreme than they were; at least what we were shown. We never get to meet the killer, nor do we ever truly see what he looks like, even when he’s not wearing a mask (mascot head, to be exact), but most of us slasher fans probably don’t care about that anymore either. As far as modern slasher movies go, it really wasn’t too bad; passable even and may age better. 10/14/2023
The Conjuring 3: The Devil Made Me Do It OK
Perhaps you’ve heard of Ed and Lorraine Warren, the
real-life demonologists/paranormal investigators? Most of you likely know them as being
portrayed by Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga in this cinematic universe (namely
The Conjuring and Annabelle movies). The first film involved a haunting in New
England, the second film involved a haunting in England, and this one, directed
by Michael Chaves (The Curse of La
Llorona) instead of James Wan, involves demonic possession in New England
(you can read my review for The Conjuring
2 here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2016/06/mooby-reviews-6202016.html;
I gave The Conjuring a G rating
according to my archives). This was also
based on a real case in 1981 that was allegedly the first time demonic possession
was used as a defense. An 8-year old boy
was possessed and his older brother begs the demon in an exorcism to take him
instead (never a good idea); he eventually commits a murder leading to that
case. The Warrens do their investigating
after the murder and before the trial, which leads them to a discovery of
witchcraft and Satanists. I didn’t
dislike this film, I was intrigued enough to not dismiss it, but it did rely a
bit on cheap jump scares (a.k.a. annoying instead of frightening) and ultimately
felt too Hollywood (meaning most of it felt all too familiar). I also felt like it didn’t get nearly as dark
as it could have given its subject matter.
Sorry, can’t say the third time was entirely a charm when all was said
and done. I did like the first two films
though (as well as the Annabelle
films) and will likely be interested in future projects involving these
characters based on real people. 8/27/2021
Countdown OK
(haiku review)
App gives time of death.
Final Destination clone?
Kind of, but not quite.
1/24/2020
Crabs! EH
Giant horseshoe crabs created by a briefly seen nuclear explosion attack a nearby town. Some of the crabs transform into giant creatures. There’s a giant robot too. It is gory. Is it fun? Unfortunately…no. Not as much fun as a B-movie, or even Z-movie, should be. Is it funny? Sometimes, but not nearly enough to make up for its lack of fun. I couldn’t stand the foreign kid (played by an American), and that goes for the extremely dopey song he sings during the end credits too. Complete disappointment. It’s a shame too since the effects were practical, or at least they all appeared to be, and it’s barely 80-minutes. 1/11/2023
The Craft: Legacy OK
The Craft was my
first R-rated movie I remember seeing in the theater, so it will always be “special”
to me. The movie itself, while not
great, is a fun Nineties teen horror film involving witches. While this sequel (NOT a remake or
reimagining) released over 20 years later also involves teen witches, it felt a
bit different from its predecessor. For
one, it’s rated PG-13, and not everyone is heterosexual or cisgender (I can
attest to the Nineties still being a very heteronormative time period; the
transgender character here I would not have known was one unless mentioned and
luckily she was actually performed by a trans actress). And whereas The Craft was an “after school special” teen film that got quite
serious at the end, this sequel has an “after school special” vibe that gets a
bit serious at the end yet still doesn’t particularly border on horror. There is a connection to the first film that
isn’t revealed until the end (although the connection is expected after a
certain tidbit is disclosed), so one not necessarily need to see the
predecessor, but only those that have seen it will understand said connection
(in addition to a specific phrase repeated).
Plus, like always, why would you care to see a sequel to a film you
haven’t seen even if there was no direct connection? I understand this sequel, as well as most
sequels, had a lot to live up to considering the first film became somewhat of
a cult hit. I wouldn’t go so far as to
say this was an unnecessary sequel, but it wasn’t as fun or as dark as the
first one which I didn’t think was a masterpiece to begin with. I will say it has been a while since I recall
seeing a teen movie realistically depict teenagers being teenagers quite well
though (I don’t think bullying will ever truly end, unfortunately, as long as
there’re schools and people); the beginning contains a scene that kind of reminded
me of the beginning of Carrie and
you’ll understand my comparison if you see it.
Legacy is okay for a sequel
released almost ¼ of a century later, just okay, nothing even an ounce more,
much like the average “after school special.”
1/6/2021
Crawl G
Hurricanes are frightening on their own. Imagine alligators in those rising waters. Such is the premise in this new feature
directed by Alexandre Aja (High Tension,
The Hills Have Eyes and Piranha remakes) wherein a girl drives
into the hurricane zone to check on her father who’s not answering his
phone. An article on social media listed
five films to watch---Bait, Cujo, Deep Blue Sea, Rogue, Burning Bright---in preparation for this
film. I could tell where all those
influences came in, all good ones too, but I think it has the most in common
with Bait and Burning Bright in terms of overall scope. What makes a concept like this so frightening,
as well as those aforementioned films, is its verisimilitude; this could really
happen, and I’m sure it has. The
alligators obviously couldn’t be real, at least in regards to human
interaction, but they looked real enough.
Since this was still a movie though, some of it was too far-fetched---I
don’t care how fast a swimmer you may be, you’re not going to outswim a gator,
let alone several (the main character is rarely ever killed in these films
though and somehow the creatures always know that); and how does a gator break
through a wall and house window so easily, but can’t crack a glass shower door
right away? Some of it was a bit
predictable too, or formulaic possibly, like when any extra characters appeared
and were inevitably attacked; just a matter of when and how they played out;
there is blood too (probably what ultimately garnered the R-rating). And while part of me feels it was kind of
short and ended too abruptly, the other part of me feels it may have been a
wise choice to avoid becoming repetitive and overstaying its welcome. Criticisms aside, it was still an enjoyable
natural disaster/natural horror hybrid that I have a feeling might get better
with more viewings. 7/15/2019
Crazy Fun Park (Season One) OK/G
Ten-episode series (all barely a half hour each; currently available on Hulu) from Australia taking place primarily in the titular abandoned amusement park. This fun park contains dead teenagers (whom all died in the park somehow) that only come out at night. They mustn’t be seen by the living (which, of course, does happen), cannot exit the park (with exceptions, of course), and must be in the park by sunrise (if they happen to go out). If the living happen to be in the park, they must exit before sunrise lest they remain with the dead forever. One living teenager visits the park basically every night since his best friend died there (he’s given a pass for being his friend and for bringing the other dead teens food and other items). It was a fun series, for the most part, containing intro music redolent of Danny Elfman in a Tim Burton film. Some parts are sappy, but others could be heartfelt, which should be expected, I guess, given there are dead teenagers and surviving loved ones. I saw no plans for a second season as of yet, and, while it did end well enough if this is it (despite there being a few things I wouldn’t mind getting answers for), I don’t think I’d mind at least one more round. 11/10/2023
Creeped Out: Season Two OK
Being a fan of the first season of this modern Are You Afraid of the Dark? (not the new
series either), meaning a horror anthology series geared more towards the
younger crowd, I hate to say this second season wasn’t as impressive (read my
review of the first season in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com;
click on January under 2019). That still
doesn’t mean I don’t look forward to watching anthology films/shows and won’t
ever stop watching them. Roxanne
Benjamin put it best in regards to horror anthologies in a recent Fangoria
article in that “there’s a first act and a third act, and there’s not really a
second act.” In other words, all the
filler is eradicated from these stories that wouldn’t last a feature film; it
seems some feature films should take that approach though as well. Anyway, this season had 10 episodes instead
of 13 like the previous season (technically 12 since one was a two-parter), all
under a half-hour. The best of the bunch
this time include a revenge tale utilizing an Irreversible approach (“Tilly Bone”), a Chopping Mall-ish one involving a mechanical Santa (“Splinta
Claws”), a Black Mirror-ish episode
involving modern technology that dangerously controls everything in our lives
(“Help”), and one that might appall those with any kind of entomophobia
(“Itchy”) which actually had a clever resolution before the inevitable
cliffhanger. Some of the segments were just
okay, including a Twilight Zone-ish
tale involving parallel dimensions at a hotel (“The Many Place”), a progressive
yet standard “be careful what you wish for” story with an ironic twist ending
(“The Takedown”), and one that’s a blatant Breakfast
Club rip-off with a demon added (“The Unfortunate Five”). And, of course, there were some less than
okay entries---an evil baby tale where the adults obviously don’t believe the
older sibling (“Only Child”), one involving a dangerous app (“No Filter”), and
one where playing video games somehow enables one kid to travel ahead in time
(“One More Minute”). Again, I wasn’t so
crazy about this season as much as last; none were exactly spectacular (“Itchy”
being my personal favorite though) and none were entirely detestable, but I still expected them to be better as a
whole. As I also stated, I still
anticipate watching horror anthologies (film and TV) and generally enjoy when I
do watch them. That being said, I will
watch any more seasons they decide to make with this series; I just hope
there’re better pickings next time. 10/9/2019
Creepshow: Season One G/VG
I used another promo code for Shudder mainly to watch this
anthology series, among other things, and I liked it, I liked it, I liked it! I’m a big fan of the films Creepshow and Creepshow 2, more so of the latter due to being the first one I saw
and liking all the segments. Creepshow 3? Let’s just forget about that one, shall
we? This series consists of 6 episodes
containing 2 segments each, making it a total of 12 20-plus minute stories, and
it combines the best elements of other great anthology shows like Tales from the Crypt, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Tales from the Darkside, etc. Of the 12 pieces, I really only didn’t care
for 2; one (“Lydia Layne’s Better Half”) was just lame and the other (“The
Finger”) was a tad silly with a stop-motion creature that looked almost as bad
as if it were CGI (it wasn’t though and that’s another aspect I loved about
this series---the practical effects; a faithful nod to the first two
movies!). I didn’t completely detest
either episode though; both were bloody, and the creature’s overall design
up-close in “The Finger” was noteworthy.
“The House of the Head” was definitely unique in involving a haunted
dollhouse. The only other time I recall
a haunted dollhouse was the Are You
Afraid of the Dark? episode, “The Tale of the Dollmaker,” but “Head” isn’t
quite like that; both are novel in their own way, especially here. “Bad Wolf Down” may be the best werewolf
story I’ve seen in quite a while; maybe the best war story as well given it was
both. “The Companion” seemed like a
unique take, at least visually, for the scarecrow subgenre, “Times is Tough in
Musky Holler” took a different approach to the zombie subgenre (although that
may sound hard to believe), and “Night of the Paw” was still compelling despite
being told countless times (paw, three wishes, be careful what you wish for,
etc.) and had a somewhat creepy ending.
“All Hallows Eve” was a fun revenge tale set on Halloween night, and “By
the Silver Water of Lake Champlain,” directed by the legendary Tom Savini, was
made slightly better than the generally lacking short story by Joe Hill and definitely
felt more fit for the screen than page.
The rest---a gory creature feature (“Skincrawlers”), a very different Aladdin-ish tale (“The Man in the
Suitcase”), and the Stephen King-based “Gray Matter”---were worth watching as well. I recommend this series not just for fans of
the movies, but for fans of horror and anthology entertainment as well (which
this series proved there’s still life in).
Bring on more seasons! 1/20/2020
A Creepshow Animated
Special/Holiday Special G
Two specials part of the iconic Creepshow universe released last year on Shudder in October and
December. The October release, the Animated Special, consists of two tales
based on short stories by Stephen King and Joe Hill (his son, for those
unaware), both of which I read. King’s
story, “Survival Type,” available in Skeleton Crew was a very disturbing
tale from what I remember. This adapted
segment did it a bit of justice and might disturb those that never read the
short story, and it was fairly disturbing here, but I didn’t think it ended
quite as disturbing as the written tale did (at least it didn’t hit me the same
way). The other segment, “Twittering
from the Circus of the Dead,” based on a short story by Hill and available in The
New Dead: A Zombie Anthology (which
is the collection I believe I read it from) follows a family on vacation that
end up at a “Circus of the Dead” after taking a detour in the desert. This circus isn’t a play on words as it contains
zombies doing “acts” on initially unsuspecting victims and let’s just say
things don’t turn out so well for anyone in attendance. I wasn’t too much a fan of the animation for
both, but it was tolerable, both featuring voiceovers amongst the drawings
(that tactic would’ve worked best for “Survivor Type” anyway) and both were
worth watching. The other live-action special, Holiday Special, concerns Shapeshifters
Anonymous wherein a group of therianthropes gather weekly. Only one is a werewolf while others transform
into a cheetah, tortoise, and boar, and one is just a therianthrope at heart. Their number one enemy is a certain figure
associated with a holiday in December that we learn has a connection to the
Lord of the Underworld other than containing the same five letters in their
names. It’s a fun entry although it may
be a bit silly at times, especially in regards to when they actually shapeshift
(I was seriously reminded of Zoobilee Zoo
at first), but at least they were all practical and there is violence. I think both specials are worth watching (my
rating is for both), both being roughly 45 minutes, and, if you haven’t checked
them out yet, they’re decent appetizers before the main course release of Creepshow:
Season Two arriving shortly as of this writing and also available on
Shudder (I, for one, am looking forward to it and hope it’s as good as the
first season). 3/24/2021
Creepshow (Season
2) OK
Bring on more
seasons! That’s what I wrote at the
end of my review for the first season, which you can read in its entirety
here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/01/creepshow-season-onejay-and-silent-bob.html. I really enjoyed the first season of this
Shudder series based on the film franchise, the first two films of which I’ve
been a fan of since way before I was of legal age, enough to name it the best
TV show of the year it came out. I was
also a fan enough of the two specials released, the animated and holiday one,
both of which you can read my review for here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/03/the-dark-and-wickedthe-mortuary.html. As you can see at the end of that review, I
stated this about this particular season---I,
for one, am looking forward to it and hope it’s as good as the first
season. Well, I hate to say it, but
I didn’t enjoy this season as much, making it a contender for “Most Disappointing
TV Show” of this year. No, I don’t
regret watching it, because I was looking forward to it and I will watch any
future seasons released, not only due to my admiration for the franchise, but
also due to my love for anthology entertainment (as much as I always say
it). The only two episodes that stood
out for me this time were “Dead and Breakfast” and “Sibling Rivalry,” and even
they weren’t so spectacular. “Model Kid”
utilized worthy creature designs, but was ultimately a typical revenge
story. As much as I love The Evil Dead, it overstayed its welcome
in its own spinoff series (Ash vs. Evil
Dead), let alone used here in “Public Television of the Dead,” but it still
wasn’t bad for fans of that franchise…I guess (I thought this was a Creepshow property). “Pesticide” did use practical creatures (as
this franchise is known for), but that was the only thing barely memorable
about that forgettable segment. “Pipe
Screams” involved a silly creature even though I don’t recall ever seeing it
done before, and that’s not necessarily a compliment for this ultimately lame
episode featuring a typical comeuppance for a reprehensible character. The final episode, “Night of the Living Late
Show,” was basically just watching clips of two movies (Horror Express and Night of
the Living Dead) with the current actor (Justin Long) digitally added in
due to a VR device created. There was a
worthy ending although it wasn’t really deserved and there was a creative Night of the Living Dead videogame in
the beginning that incorporated its two subsequent sequels (Dawn and Day) at the end, but more movies should’ve been featured,
especially since this segment was the length of two (40-plus minutes opposed to
20-plus minutes). The remaining two,
“The Right Snuff” and “Within the Walls of Madness” were probably the worst
ones, “Snuff” involving Ryan Kwanten (of True
Blood fame) and Breckin Meyer (where the hell has he been?) in a space-set
tale, “Madness” being a Lovecraftian one that didn’t work at all. I didn’t hate this season, but it doesn’t
hold the brightest candle to season one, and I hope I like season three better,
otherwise I won’t be saying Bring on more
seasons! 4/30/2021
Creepshow (Season Three)
Well, I liked the third season of this Shudder series based on the popular anthology franchise better than last season, but it still wasn’t as good as the first. You can read my review for season one here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/01/creepshow-season-onejay-and-silent-bob.html and season two here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/05/creepshow-season-2in-search-of-darkness.html. Again, there are 6 episodes this time (ranging from 44 to 55-minutes) containing two segments each. The ones I liked best were “The Things in Oakwood’s Past,” “Meter Reader,” “A Dead Girl Named Sue,” and “Mums.” “Skeletons in the Closet,” “Okay, I’ll Bite,” “Stranger Sings,” and “Time Out” were just okay. I wasn’t so crazy about “Queen Bee,” “Familiar,” “The Last Tsuburaya,” and “Drug Traffic.” Looks like there were an equal amount of good, bad, and in-between this time. “The Things in Oakwood’s Past” was probably my favorite, ironically being the only animated segment, reminding me of a Tales from the Cryptkeeper episode; an R-rated episode at that (yes, there is gore and at least one F-bomb from recollection). “Meter Reader” is an apocalyptic tale containing demons that probably could’ve been longer, and “Mums” was a decent albeit typical revenge tale based on a story by Joe Hill (Stephen King’s son). “A Dead Girl Named Sue” takes place in 1968 and occurs at the same time as a certain movie released during that year, and it manages to work. The battling skeletons in “Skeletons in the Closet” belong more in a Ray Harryhausen feature (that being an esoteric preference), but the segment is kind of fun for horror fans in that it references many films. “Time Out” is a pretty simple story wherein time can be stopped while in an armoire, but of course there’s a catch, like usual; the ending is unfortunate, much like the one in Thinner. “Stranger Sings” was a standard just okay segment involving a siren, while “Okay, I’ll Bite” was also a just okay one involving spiders in a prison. “Queen Bee” I just wasn’t a fan of the creature design, and “Drug Traffic” was too bizarre for me (not in a good way), involving a floating head. “Familiar” and “The Last Tsuburaya” were simply just lame, the former reminding me of the Tales from the Darkside movie (only worse), the latter involving a greedy art collector eventually getting his inevitable comeuppance. Like always, you’re bound to agree or disagree with my assessment. At least there were some decent segments this time. I still wonder if they should’ve just ended at season one, but, like always, I’ll still be tuning in for any more seasons they give us…11/17/2021
Creepshow (Season Four) OK
This season of the Shudder series began with a whimper before getting a little better. The series itself started off with a bang in season one (review in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/01/creepshow-season-onejay-and-silent-bob.html), and then just became okay subsequently (my review for season two is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/05/creepshow-season-2in-search-of-darkness.html, season three in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/11/candymancreepshow-season-3.html); the two specials weren’t bad (review in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/03/the-dark-and-wickedthe-mortuary.html). There are six episodes with 12 segments total here, the first three I wasn’t crazy about at all. “Twenty Minutes with Cassandra” began as what could’ve been a decent creature feature before becoming more of a drama, thus making it much less effective, maybe even silly; “Smile” was lame and totally unoriginal, dealing with a camera that takes photos of near-future events (an original Twilight Zone episode is just one example I’ve seen the concept before); and “The Hat” is just uber-goofy, involving a “hat creature” (uh-huh) enabling a writer to pen numerous stories (horror-comedy doesn’t always work for me, and way to be subtle containing a writer named Stephen Bachman. Stephen King? Richard Bachman? Soooooooo clever!). The fourth segment, “Grieving Process,” was a bit better than those that came before in a twisted variation of ‘what one wouldn’t do for those they love.’ Next, in “The Parent Deathtrap,” our protagonist is haunted by the ghosts of his parents he murdered; there’s a bit of a Beetlejuice/The Frighteners vibe going for it. “To Grandmother’s House We Go” features corny werewolf effects, but they are practical at least, and not entirely detestable, the entry itself being minimally satisfactory. “Meet the Belaskos” is about a world in which humans and vampires co-exist, not necessarily harmoniously (of course), and may be more of a sappy romance between two young lovers (human and vampire), but it kind of works (conditionally) and does deliver the gory goods when necessary. “Cheat Code” is a gateway horror segment about a cursed video game with deadly consequences for anyone playing it, and would pass as an acceptable Are You Afraid of the Dark? episode, albeit an R-rated one. “Something Borrowed, Something Blue” is just okay, slightly, and “Doodles” has been done before (an artist’s drawings eventually occur in reality), the gore likely being its sole redeeming quality, but it did have a pretty clever denouement. “George Romero in 3-D!” was a decent zombie tale (surprise, surprise) about an unearthed, unpublished comic book series coming off the page after viewing it through the titular glasses, and the final segment, “Baby Teeth,” I wasn’t a fan of largely due to the terrible creature design of a certain childhood mythical being. So, in essence, this series began and ended with a whimper. I would absolutely not go so far as saying the middle was a bang, because the segments most certainly were not grand, but they were okay, passable (8 out of 12), and I think it’s safe to say that even just an “okay” entry in an anthology format would be enough to classify more as a hit than a miss. 11/24/2023
Critters. The franchise featuring those furry little
aliens with rows of sharp teeth spanning four films from 1986 to 1992. While it may not be the best franchise out
there, it’s still enjoyable and better than other franchises like Ghoulies and maybe even Gremlins considering there were only two
and the second one wasn’t that great. I
am a fan of Critters; it’s a fun
‘80’s sci-fi romp. Critters 2: The Main Course
naturally wasn’t as good but definitely a worthy follow-up. Critters
3 was decent for a threequel but obviously didn’t hold a candle to the
first two (Leonardo DiCaprio’s first film too for those unaware). Critters
4 was, well…my least favorite of the series (the longest one too!) and not
because it was set in space. If I can
say anything positive about it, it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve seen, nor the worst
space-set movie I’ve seen. In other
words, I like the films best in chronological order. One thing I do love about the franchise, the
creatures in particular, which is indicative of the time they were released, is
the practical designs. With all the CGI
crap out there now, it always elates me to watch older films (or even modern ones)
with practical effects/creatures. I
absolutely do not hate the creatures, especially in the first two, and no
surprise given the legendary Chiodo Brothers (Killer Klowns from Outer Space) were behind them (all four films). Anyway, this new series available on Shudder
consists of 8 scant episodes totaling roughly 74 minutes, making the longest
one 11 minutes. I understand that format
may work for those with short attention spans and someone that may want to
catch an episode during their paid break, but why couldn’t they just make it a
74-minute movie? Aside from that
questionable presentation, the content itself was more or less the same way I
felt about Critters 3---it was a
decent addition to the franchise but not something I’d rave about. That’s not to say it wasn’t fun, it was, plus
there’re a few bloody moments and the episodes unsurprisingly whiz by; there’s
also a clever yet idiosyncratic twist I never would’ve expected (which may
kickstart a whole new storyline given another sequel was suggested at the end). Thankfully this wasn’t a remake either (an
unfortunate commonality these days) despite containing a direct homage to Critters 2. At least the creatures are practical too (a
rarity these days) despite looking different, no surprise considering the
Chiodo Brothers weren’t involved, but some of the splatter effects were obviously
digital. I also didn’t care for the Critters
being given more characterization this time, although it may have been
necessary in regards to that aforementioned twist. This is very much only for Critters fans not expecting much from this
type of fare to begin with, but you don’t necessarily have to see the films
before watching this even though I suggest you do so your expectations aren’t
that high and you may appreciate the older entries more. 4/22/2019
Critters Attack! OK
This is technically Critters
5; not too long ago there was also a Shudder TV series called A New Binge (my review for it was posted
on 4/24/2019). This currently isn’t
available on Netflix (streaming or mail), but it is available at Redbox (which
is where I got it) and On Demand. Well,
at least those red-eyed, toothy furballs are still practical after all these
years. Did we really need another movie
though? I hate to say not really, but
I’m not going to tell fans (or anyone that’s made it this far) to dismiss this
because y’all, like always, are going to watch it regardless of what I or
anyone else has to say. What exactly
does one expect from a Critters movie
though, especially a fifth one? I hate
to say, something a little better than this.
The title isn’t lying in that the critters do attack and that’s all they do, repetitively (the gore factor is
definitely high enough this time to secure an R-rating, something the previous
four films did not). Again, what would
someone (especially a fan) expect from a Critters
movie? Yes, but there was no style to
most of it, feeling repetitive as I’ve said and like an (I hate to say)
unnecessary sequel (at least it wasn’t a remake though). Nods to Gremlins
and Mars Attacks! felt like poor
attempts to add “originality” to this entry too. I’m not trying to say I didn’t enjoy this at
all either. Like I said, I love how
they’re still practical (especially in this very much digital age), it’s
well-shot like the others for being non-theatrical, and I liked when the
critters were the ones being attacked at the end (that was fun). I just hope if they make another one (you
know I’m going to watch it if so), it’s a bit more distinctive (original is nearly
impossible these days) and doesn’t feel (ahem) unnecessary. 7/23/2019
Cruel Summer (Season
One) OK/G
Teen mystery set in Texas showing events that take place on
specific dates in 1993, 1994, and 1995.
The focus is primarily on Kate, a popular girl held captive in a vice
principal’s house, and Jeanette, an unpopular girl accused of doing nothing
when knowing of Kate’s captivity. I
really liked this show in the beginning, wishing it got with the times instead
of airing once a week; anyone that hasn’t been watching can now binge it on
Freeform and Hulu. Like many shows
unfortunately, it does lose steam in the middle of its 10-episode run, but I
did want to keep watching because I wanted to know how it ended. Perhaps if it was a movie instead of a series
wherein each episode is a bit over 40-minutes it might’ve worked better, or at
least wouldn’t have felt like it contained too much filler. A twist revealed in the second-to-last episode
was kind of predictable (hey, watching so much over the years instinctively
makes you draw several possible conclusions beforehand) and a bit of a
letdown. It’s still not a bad series to
check out though if you’re looking for something new to watch; there are
obviously more characters than Kate and Jeanette you get to know (small
town…people have secrets, like always) and all the questions you may have are
answered by the end of episode ten. The
end credits of that last episode inform us a second season is coming in 2022
and all I can say is…why? I really don’t
think a second season is necessary, unless there’s a whole lot more to the
story we weren’t shown…6/16/2021
Curon: Season One OK
New seven-episode (between 41 and 51 minutes each) Italian
series available on Netflix (I don’t think I need to tell you that Italian
means subtitles for those not fluent in Italian, but you can adjust the audio
and subtitles to your liking before each episode). It’s a thriller mystery but also a teen/familial
drama that started off interestingly with great characterizations, and has many
good ideas contained within, but it eventually loses steam (closer to the end)
and misses the mark when all is said and done.
The titular town apparently has a history to it and everyone has a
doppelganger that emerges from a lake surrounding a bell tower. Jordan Peele’s Us also showed us that we all have a doppelganger. Whereas that film gave us an explanation,
however implausible, I must’ve missed why everyone has a doppelganger in this
series, if it was mentioned at all. Sure,
curses and apparitions were mentioned and the town has a history involving the
first two World Wars, but, again, I must’ve missed the connection if there was
one. There was also mention of the
notion that we all have two wolves inside of us, a good and bad one, so maybe I
didn’t look into it too well? It seems
like a season two could be a possibility (currently there are no indications of
it happening), so maybe more will be explained in the future? Maybe, but I have to be satisfied with each
individual entry/season whenever it comes to movie franchises, TV shows, what
have you. 6/12/2020
The Cursed OK
(haiku review)
So-so werewolf film.
Gothic atmosphere is great.
Creature designs suck. 5/18/2022
Cursed Films
Five-episode documentary series available on Shudder
covering The Exorcist, The Omen (1976), Poltergeist (1982), The Crow,
and Twilight Zone: The Movie. Now, if you’re a horror fan, or even just a
movie fan, or even just frequently read up on the news, chances are you’ve
heard of incidents surrounding films that enable them to be labeled as
“cursed.” Before this, I did know about
the deaths befalling cast members on Poltergeist,
the accidental death of Brandon Lee on the set of The Crow (I’ve heard people say it happened at the end in the
church, but this series proves where and how it happened), and the accidental
deaths on the set of the Twilight Zone
movie (the description here makes it sound a whole lot more tragic). I did learn some things, such as a killer
working on The Exorcist, the brush
with death Richard Donner nearly had while working on The Omen, and a specific horror veteran cast in The Crow as a villain whose scene was no
longer used after Brandon’s death. Some
bits were simply just filler, such as the real exorcisms performed on The Exorcist episode which had no direct
correlation to the film itself, and the various discussions on stunts that
deviated from the film in question during the Twilight Zone one (only Kane Hodder’s interviews would’ve sufficed
since they seemed the most relevant).
You might learn something new if you’re interested in any kind of film
discussions, especially if you’re a fan of any of these films. I’m a fan of them all, the original Poltergeist and The Crow being two of my favorites, I like The Exorcist and The Omen
but don’t adore them like many others do, and I think I might need to re-watch
the Twilight Zone movie since its
been a while. As for whether I think
these films are actually cursed, I personally don’t believe in any of that, but
I’d like to think I’m open-minded in hearing different theories, and you’ll hear
opinions from both sides of the spectrum within. The episodes only range from 26-29 minutes
each, meaning you can binge this is one sitting coupled with any bathroom or
snack-grab breaks. 7/22/2020
Cusp OK/G
Documentary available on Showtime following three teenage girls during one summer in Texas. It’s generally as entertaining as a typical teen movie; or, what I should say is that it’s set up like a typical teen movie, because it should go without saying that not all teen movies are entertaining. Being that it’s a documentary though, it makes me wonder how much of it may have been staged since they knew they were being filmed. Kids felt very documentary-like but wasn’t, so this could’ve taken a similar approach, although it kind of did, because I don’t recall the characters speaking directly to the camera too much; just a lot of voiceovers. I did enjoy getting to know these girls, but I’d like to have gotten to know them more. I’d like to see how they live every other time of the year. I’d like to see their lives in school. Therefore, I think a series with these girls, doc-style or not, could very well work. 3/9/2022
Cypress Hill: Insane in the Brain OK/G
Cypress Hill are one of the first rap groups (I told myself) I was a fan of. Even when I told people I hated rap back in the day, I would always follow it with ‘except for…’ and Cypress Hill would be one mentioned. Long advocating for the legalization of weed since their heyday in the 90s, even getting away with lighting up on their tours, they are the first hip-hop group to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. This documentary covers how the members all met and various tours they went on, among some other tidbits (like those just mentioned), and will probably be just fine for fans. While I, being enough of a fan (as well as a fan of biographies, literary or visual), did enjoy this for a decent portion, also felt like it ended too soon (it was roughly 90-minutes) and wasn’t a definitive account on the group. 9/22/2023
D
Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story OK/G
I heard several people say they stopped watching this Netflix series because it was too gruesome. Well, if you know anything about Jeffrey Dahmer (played here by Evan Peters), he was a serial killer that often ate his victims. For the younger crowd that may never knew of him before this, okay. Some parts may be gruesome to the average viewer, yes, but it’s nothing I haven’t seen before and I had somewhat of an idea what I was getting into. I’ve seen at least two movies that come to mind on the serial killer, one being My Friend Dahmer, which you can read my review for in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/03/mooby-reviews-31818.html. As you’ll see in my review for that film (if you read it), I said this about visual media involving real-life serial killers---On one hand, you’re promoting them and basically telling modern serial killers they’ll too be made famous one day. On the other hand, you can’t deny they’re part of history and do make for morbidly compelling sociological studies. It is true, even though you never have to support anything you don’t want to. History is rife with violence though, so one should argue whether anything horrific that happened in the past should be depicted. I’ll admit this series did make me want to keep watching in the beginning. It does lose a bit of steam towards the end, but there are ten episodes all roughly between 50 and 60 minutes, so it was bound to happen. One thing I do like that they did was shine some light on one of the victims (the deaf kid) in an episode, which I think should occur more often in serial killer-related pictures as the killers are often glorified and the majority of victims rarely remembered; plus, that sort of makes it more disturbing knowing what happened to these people that are humanized. They also showed how his actions affected others around him, like his one next door neighbor and his father. Will real-life serial killers ever stop being promoted? Likely not, but, again, you never have to promote anything you don’t want to. Currently there is a new 3-episode documentary series also released on Netflix entitled Conversations with a Killer: The Jeffrey Dahmer Tapes. Is this the year of Dahmer? 10/7/2022
Daniel Isn’t Real OK/G
At least the title tells us right away that Daniel is just
an imaginary friend to our protagonist, Luke.
Imagine a darker Drop Dead Fred. After Daniel does something bad when they’re
kids, Luke “locks” him up in a dollhouse until years later when a psychiatrist
suggests he “unlock” that part of his life.
Of course Luke is going to be blamed and look like a psycho when Daniel
does something wrong since only Luke can see him. Yes, we’ve seen these scenarios countless
times before. Is Daniel an imaginary friend?
Is Luke simply crazy like his mother (who becomes institutionalized and
obviously went through a bad marriage as earlier scenes suggest)? Or, is Daniel simply the repressed evil side
of Luke many claim we all have in us?
While it does go on a bit longer than it should, hence my impatience for
it at times, I think it did a pretty swell job of portraying how real Daniel
may or may not have been without being too perplexing. 7/20/2020
The Dark and the
Wicked G
Bryan Bertino also directed The Strangers and The Monster,
so he clearly knows how to create mood and atmosphere, and this haunted house
film set at a farm in Texas is absolutely no exception. A keen sense of dread permeates this entire
production from beginning to end. In it,
a brother and sister travel to said farm to see their ailing father and let’s
just say…stuff happens during their visit.
I could picture a devout religious person, if they even watch it, having
something to say on the film’s general themes, but I really don’t care what
they’d think; I only cared that I was thoroughly transfixed with this feature
that was indeed dark and wicked, there being no happy endings for anyone, which
was refreshing to see in a supernatural horror movie. 3/26/2021
Dark Harvest OK
I’ve read the Norman Partridge book on which this film is based at least twice, maybe even thrice. Obviously I’m a fan if I read it more than once; therefore, I was looking forward to this adaptation. The story takes place in a small town in 1963 where every Halloween the teen boys (yes, no girls) must prevent (by any means necessary) an entity labeled Sawtooth Jack from entering the town church before midnight. The young man that defeats him is provided a better home for his family, but there’s a catch, as there usually is. This film follows the novel pretty closely, taking place the same year in a small Illinois town surrounded by a cornfield wherein Sawtooth Jack emerges from every year. My biggest gripe with the film is the appearance of Sawtooth Jack, he coming across as a more emaciated Cenobite, as opposed to the “Jack Skellington donning a pumpkin head” look from the book’s cover I expected (I would’ve even been okay with something akin to Jack-O; anything with a typical pumpkin head). I don’t think I’m nitpicking either since the character is a major part of the story. Otherwise, it is a fairly simple yet fun movie to watch this time of year, or any time if “Halloween is everyday” for you, like it is me, and it is slightly unique. It comes from David Slade too, director of Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night, and a segment of Nightmare Cinema (my review for that is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/09/nightmare-cinema.html), so he’s well-versed enough in horror; there is violence too, no doubt, some of it worthy. I probably will watch it again and might appreciate it more (I kind of did like it more when I looked back afterwards), as well as possibly (ehh…maybe) being a little more forgiving of the Sawtooth Jack look (his appearance might also pass as a withered “Sam from Trick ‘r Treat without the sack”). Overall, I still think the story is better suited for the page, but had I not read the book and liked it, I might’ve felt a little different (I still judged it on its own merit, as I always try to do). I do recommend you read the book (it’s not that long) before watching this movie though. Happy Halloween! 10/21/2023
Dark Night of the Scarecrow 2 B
Its predecessor, Dark Night of the Scarecrow, released in 1981 as a TV movie wasn’t too bad for a by-the-numbers slasher film. You could most certainly do a lot better though, in terms of slasher films and scarecrow films (1988’s Scarecrows and Husk are examples that come to mind). Whereas the first one may not have been that great, this recently released sequel is even less than not that great; it’s downright awful! I know I shouldn’t expect much from a sequel released roughly 40 years later to a movie that was no real masterpiece to begin with, but a bad movie is still a bad movie (this wasn’t even a so-bad-its-good movie). The kills were poorly done, even laughable sometimes. The violence in the first one wasn’t grand either, but there are many more resources and funds, let alone leeways, in this day and age (and that doesn’t have to mean CGI either), as well as much more entertainment to compare to. It is related to the first one, so you might want to check that one out first (if you haven’t already) to understand references, even though I don’t recommend this uninspired sequel one bit (if I haven’t made that clear). 6/13/2022
Darkroom (series) OK
I would never have heard of this anthology series hosted by
James Coburn that aired at the end of 1981 into the beginning of 1982 had I not
seen it posted on social media. It
consists of 7 episodes all just shy of the 50-minute mark, containing two or
three segments each (only 2 had 3 segments).
The series as a whole was just okay, barely, and that’s probably why I
never heard of it, nor why it continued.
Some parts were directed by Rick Rosenthal (Halloween II) and Paul Lynch (the original Prom Night), and some parts were based off works by Robert Bloch (Psycho). I’ll give you a run-down of each episode:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 1---“Closed Circuit” was a bit ahead of its
time with themes of advanced technology eradicating the need for humans and
concludes somewhat darkly, but felt longer than it should’ve been, even for a
vignette. “Stay Tuned, We’ll Be Right
Back” was the shorter segment of the episode and is outdated with its “Butterfly Effect” notion of “change one
thing, change everything” after a man somehow gets radio signals from the past.
Episode 2---“The Bogeyman Will Get You” stars Helen
Hunt and was a decent tale faithfully based off a Robert Bloch short story (of
the same name) with a twist likely surprising for its time. “Uncle George” was a twisted tale in
retrospect, showing the lengths some will go to for money.
Episode 3---“Needlepoint” was a scant tale involving
voodoo with a slightly clever ending given the circumstances, while “Siege of
31 August” involves a farmer trying to repress something he did in the war
before eventually getting more than he can handle via his son’s toys.
Episode 4---“A Quiet Funeral” had a twist but was
pretty bland overall, and “Make Up,” starring Billy Crystal and Brian Dennehy,
was sort of noir-ish, strictly in its use of mistaken identities, but was kind
of silly.
Episode 5---The first one containing three
stories. “The Partnership” was a fun one
starring David Carradine, involving an old funhouse and a “sea creature” we
don’t really get to see. “Daisies” was
barely even a short story, more equivalent to a flash story, or even a drabble,
and wasn’t really necessary, while “Catnip” was a predominantly goofy segment
involving a biker, witch, and a black cat.
Episode 6---“Lost in Translation” ultimately reminded
me of The Incredible Shrinking Man (instead
of that movie starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson) and felt largely
unfinished. “Guillotine” was a
semi-decent Paris-set Victorian era tale with an ironic conclusion that, again,
felt too long even for an anthology segment; horror fans will recognize the
stern-looking evil nun from Silent Night,
Deadly Night.
Episode 7---The only other one with three. “Exit Line” and “Who’s There?” were segments
that also contained twists likely more shocking during that time; the former
involves a critic consistently harassed by an actor feeling her negative review
was unwarranted, while the latter is a decent character study involving a
single guy living below an unhappy couple.
Lastly, “The Rarest of Wines” involves siblings wherein one is unhappy
with what a recently deceased parent left them and eventually a tragedy results
from their selfish needs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In conclusion, it’s not the best anthology series I’ve seen
(and certainly not the only one on that list), but if you like anthology
shows/movies (like me) and have nothing else to watch, you can probably guess
what I would normally say next. There
are a couple different channels you can watch it for free if you’re interested
(USA and NBC are two that come to mind).
3/28/2020
Dash & Lily (Season
1) G
I’m a sucker for Christmas movies. Not just horror ones either, and not
necessarily those Lifetime/Hallmark Channel ones that are all the same with
different performers and locations (although I do watch them too if I’m in the
mood for something season-y). I gave
this new Netflix series a chance after seeing it was only 8 episodes totaling a
little over 3 hours (the longest episode is 27-minutes). Mind you, the Christmas aspect is the only
thing that drew me in as I’m not the biggest fan of romantic comedies, although
I do like some. In it, the titular
characters (Dash generally being a loner that hates Christmas, Lily being the
opposite) write dares to each other in a red notebook, leaving it in various
locations in New York City for the other to retrieve. This is all before they actually meet in
person, similar to being pen pals or Instant Messenger buddies. Sure, it ends pretty much how you know it
will, but it manages to be engaging enough during its run. Sigh, I’m going to recommend it. I hate myself…11/18/2020
Day of the Dead (Season One) OK
George A. Romero’s Day of the Dead isn’t my favorite of the series, but I do like it, somewhat. His preceding Night and Dawn films are infinitely better. This 10-episode series available on the SYFY channel is merely only based on Romero’s film and bears no relation to it whatsoever (I mean, yeah, there is a reference to it during the last episode, titled said reference, and one zombie gradually becomes “docile”). It involves a town in Pennsylvania overrun with the undead and the townsfolk must do whatever possible in order to survive. Typical zombie fare, no? Did we really need another zombie series or movie, especially in these post-Walking Dead times? Absolutely not (I never even finished that show, as far as I made it). Since it’s hard to be original anymore, in any genre or subgenre, I’m willing to give anything modern a chance if it manages to be entertaining. This series was just okay, barely; I mean, it has its moments and started off fine, but it really doesn’t stand apart from most of the other undead entertainment out there. If you do decide to watch, all ten episodes are now available to binge (all roughly around the 40-minute mark without the ads). I mean, ‘just okay’ is a better analysis than many other zombie flicks/shows that don’t even come close to okay, no? I still think you can spend your time with better options though, like George A. Romero’s series; yes, even the three succeeding Day of the Dead (hell, just watch the original Night and Dawn!). As of now, I came across no plans for a season two, but there very well could be (hell, it’s been proven more seasons can occur even when a series does seem to end). If so, I may continue (my OCD would be the only thing forcing me to), but I really don’t care if they do or not. 12/18/2021
The Dead Don’t Die OK/G
Another zombie movie?
This one comes from non-horror filmmaker, Jim Jarmusch, known for simple
films like Coffee and Cigarettes and Broken Flowers. It takes place in a small town containing
several different characters played by familiar faces before becoming a
standard zombie movie, not right away though, and certainly isn’t without gory
moments. Some of it was a bit too
tongue-in-cheek though---RZA working for a company called WU-PS
(hardy-har-har), Steve Buscemi playing a farmer with a red cap stating “Keep
America White Again” while conversing with a black man (Danny Glover), and the
fact both Bill Murray and Adam Driver know they’re in a movie. If the script can’t take itself seriously,
how does it expect us viewers too? It
still wasn’t bad as a typical zombie movie (the zombies being filled with dust
was new-ish), or even just as a movie period; I just don’t think I’ll ever
watch it again. In other words…forgettable,
but still watch it at least once. 9/17/2019
Deadstream OK/G
Found footage movies are dead. Aside from the Paranormal Activity films, the majority of them were kind of old after The Blair Witch Project (a film I hated initially, but grew to at least appreciate), which is said to have started the trend (even though Cannibal Holocaust is said to have inspired that; in style only, obviously). Naturally, with any genre/subgenre, there are always going to be exceptions. This is actually one of them. Available on Shudder/AMC+, it involves a dude trying to win back fans for his livestreaming (get the title?) series after an incident by visiting a haunted house in Utah. It’s kind of a meta-found footage film as it calls attention to many of the tropes. At first I thought I was watching a parody (a subgenre that’s always kind of been dead to me), but it gradually does get a bit serious (Need I say ‘obviously’ or ‘of course it does?’ Doesn’t it always get a bit serious when ghosts/haunted settings are involved in found footage?). Serious in the horror-comedy sense, which this film most definitely is, it often being a hybrid genre that doesn’t always work. This does manage to pull it off, for the most part---I actually did laugh out loud more than once, and, I don’t care what anyone says, but, found footage or not, seemingly empty houses at night, be they abandoned or not, are always going to be inherently creepy. Sure, there may be clichรฉs and predictable moments (need I say ‘obviously’ or ‘of course there are’ in a 2022 release?), but I generally had some fun with this. 2/11/2023
Deathcember OK
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again---I love horror
films and anthology films and Christmas films, so I had to see this new one
that is all three. This isn’t A Christmas Horror Story anthology
though, this is an ABCs of Death
anthology. You are aware of Advent calendars,
no? If not, they consist of little doors
to be opened every day from December 1st through Christmas and
traditionally contain chocolates in them.
This anthology film takes the approach of such a calendar and contains
24 stories totaling almost 2 ½ hours, meaning each one is roughly 5 or 6
minutes (give or take; I didn’t keep track of how long each one was), plus
there are 2 extra tales during the end credits (hint---don’t turn it off when
the credits start). Oh, and there’s just
as many segments with subtitles as ones without since filmmakers from all over
the world contributed, just to let you know.
Now, as much as I love short stories, both written and visual, I still
like them to be long enough in order for me to be engaged, and these brief vignettes,
much like the latter aforementioned anthology film, don’t allow me to do
that. I was still interested in what
kind of stories were going to be told in such scant time though. I think I only counted three segments I
hated, many of them were just okay (“Life is too short to see movies that are
just okay,” as Roger Ebert once said, and, yes, that applies to short films
too), even one helmed by Ruggero Deodato (Cannibal
Holocaust) wasn’t that great, and another one helmed by Lucky McKee (May) ended too soon (yes, even for a
brief anthology segment); one was a rather unsuccessful homage to Reservoir Dogs. A few that stood out are ones that involved
dolls (“Santa Is Coming”), a killer reindeer (“They Used to Laugh and Call Him
Names”), girls killing Santa (“Kill Santa”), a giallo-influenced slasher (“Five
Deaths in Blood Red”), “Santa” granting a kid’s wishes (“Milk and Cookies”),
and a guy that is “Getting Away from It All.”
I wasn’t the biggest fan of this film in the general sense, but if
you’re a fan of horror films and anthology films and Christmas films, there
might be something you like in this collection.
12/4/2020
The Death of Dick Long G
Alabama-set film in which two men try their hardest to cover
up the death of the titular character.
Once you do find out what happened to said titular character, it is
deeply disturbing and I can see specific stereotypes being mentioned. The performances are surprisingly good; it
felt like I was watching real people; for one thing, the characters were aware
of pop culture. It may go on a bit
longer than it should, but I still don’t recall ever not wanting to watch it and
it’s likely a movie you won’t forget as much as you may want to. 2/10/2020
Death Rink OK/G
A slasher movie set in a skating rink. I’m surprised it hasn’t been done
before. If it has, do correct me,
please. This follows a group of workers
after hours at the skating rink and eventually bodies hit the floor. [An alternate title was Skateway Massacre, but I think they went with a better title]. I’m not sure when it exactly takes place, I
just know it’s after the Eighties since the decade was mentioned; there is a
Blockbuster card in one scene, and at least one character mentions having a
phone (cell phones did start appearing around the Millennium and Blockbuster
was still around until the end of the 2000s); I don’t know, I just don’t think
it occurs during the present. Anyway, in
order for a slasher movie to work, given how plotless they are and viewers know
exactly what to expect, there needs to be good characterizations and kills that
are at least worthy; style and setting can certainly work in their favor
too. Well, this film definitely has
characters we get to know, whether we like all of them or not, and while some
kills aren’t exactly executed well, some are worthy (ones involving a pizza
cutter and traffic cone come to mind).
The killer was obvious from the get-go (at least to me), not only due to
presented information logically pointing to only this one person, but if you
pay attention during one kill, you’ll notice their face through the mask (which
was a pretty nifty alien one). I care
not about that aspect of slasher movies though, more so if the rest of the
movie is good, or at least okay (I don’t expect much from most slasher
films). Sure, this may not be lumped on
the same level as the great slashers of yesteryear (Black Christmas---1974, Halloween---1978,
Sleepaway Camp, etc.), but it was a
decent 74-minute film that I would recommend to slasher fans only that aren’t
too picky, or picky at all for that matter…8/17/2021
Deep Blue Sea 3 EH
(haiku review)
Quite lame, long shark flick.
Unnecessary threequel.
First one was the best.
8/4/2020
[Check out my review for Deep
Blue Sea 2 in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com].
The Deep House OK/G
I can’t say I ever saw a haunted house movie that took place underwater before this. In it, an American straight couple are traveling in France (only some parts are subtitled) and visit abandoned sites. They come across a man that offers to take them to a secluded lake containing a house at the very bottom. Movies 101, especially if it’s a horror movie, would usually tell you that’s not such a good idea. Of course there wouldn’t be movies though if characters didn’t make unsensible choices. They go to this lake with this man, gear up, and travel to the bottom where this totally preserved house stands. I mean, household items including photographs appear to be intact! Something is clearly not right, as Movies 101 would indicate. Now, if this was a haunted house film that occurred above water like any other, it’s hard to tell how distinctive it would’ve been. There are clichรฉs, but it does actually manage to be chilling at times, and I’m not sure if it taking place underwater had something to do with it (I suggest the filmmakers, which are the duo behind the great French film, Inside, make the same movie aboveground to test my theory). I’m going to mildly recommend this underwater haunted house feature for being better than I thought it would be. Plus, there is no happy ending which is something I actually yearn for in horror flicks these days, so points for that. 11/6/2021
The Deep Ones OK
Says to be based on the writings of H.P. Lovecraft and not
anything in particular (similar to Castle
Rock being based on Stephen King works but not directly). If Lovecraft wrote Rosemary’s Baby, this is what it might look like, with a touch of The Stepford Wives. For those of you unfamiliar with the late
writer, his works may contain tentacled beings, seaside locations, creatures
that emerge from the water (Cthulhu is a mythology devised by the author), and
generally things that are alien/otherworldly.
This film contains all of those to a degree. In it, a young couple rent a house
overlooking the water and gradually meet the locals who obviously have a
sinister agenda (obvious if you’ve seen movies). At least there was no beating around the bush
and we learn fairly early they are part of a cult that wants something from
this couple (my reference above likely gave it away). As clichรฉ as it all may seem, there was a bit
of an appeal to it all, a sense of dread that makes it slightly watchable
(although some scenes were too dark to see what was truly going on); and the
creature design isn’t the worst I’ve seen, but we don’t see it much
anyway. It ultimately feels so empty in
the long run, making it an average-y (meaning forgettable) film. 6/21/2021
The Deep Web: Murdershow OK/G
Part of me loved this new movie available on Tubi. Or, parts of it I loved is what I should say. It is derivative as they come, but I did dig the clown masks and the sharp objects that were used throughout; it is short too (roughly 81-minutes). In other words, I guess you can chalk this up as a case of style over substance. The ending does open the door for a larger part of the story (perhaps why it felt lacking), which might lead to this becoming a franchise (i.e. The Deep Web: Fill in the blank). I’m not sure how I’d feel about that, but I definitely can’t say that I hated this film, as derivative as it was…7/8/2023
Demon Wind EH/OK
(haiku review)
Year ’90. Demons.
Read about it in Rue Morgue.
Script? Fine. Effects?
Crap. 3/9/2021
*Currently available on Tubi (meaning free for most
streaming services)*
Die’ced EH/OK
Saw on a social media post (Dread Central) that this slasher film was being compared to Terrifier (you can read my review for both films in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/06/mooby-reviews-61318.html, and here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/11/terrifier-2.html), so it piqued my curiosity. Plus, I’m always up for checking out a new slasher film. [It is available on Tubi, meaning free for anyone with a Wi-Fi connection]. I can definitely see the comparison, from the killer’s mannerisms (plus, he doesn’t speak) to very similar scenes, right down to the use of a warehouse. The director himself, Jeremy Rudd (director of only one other film, according to IMDb), commented on that aforementioned post, “Terrifier definitely influenced some ideas for my film…All ideas stem from somewhere.” That last statement is undoubtedly correct; almost everything entertainment-related released anymore is going to feel derivative; it’s whether or not you enjoy the ride momentarily. Sure, this is no masterpiece (hell, its primary influence wasn’t exactly either), far, far from it, but I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s all the way at the bottom of the barrel either. In it, a mental patient is mistakenly released from an institution, thus beginning a killing spree on Halloween in the year 1987 (the soundtrack occasionally very fitting for the time), all while donning a scarecrow costume he snatched from his first victim. Most of the violence is actually not bad (read: could’ve been worse) considering the obvious low-budget. I sort of enjoyed it in the beginning despite its blatant cribbing and occasional technical flaw (i.e. background noise overpowering dialogue), but it gradually feels underwhelming by the conclusion, and I’m not sure if the very scant length was a factor (it’s barely an hour, 50-minutes, to be exact, with 10-minutes of snail-paced end credits). Apparently there is going to be a sequel, because the director stated “Die’ced 2 will be much better with a much bigger budget” in that aforementioned comment. Okay, we’ll see…3/16/2024
The Dirt G
Despite the voiceover in the beginning stating the Eighties
was a terrible decade, I actually dig a lot of the music and movies from that
decade. Of course I may have more of an
appreciation since I was born in 1982 and wasn’t quite old enough to enjoy much
during the actual time. Hair metal was
one of the musical subgenres then, which generally consisted of androgynous
members, usually men (although there were a few female hair bands, i.e. Vixen
and Lita Ford). Yes, I’m a fan. This Netflix biopic covers Motley Crue during
their formative years up to the Nineties.
While I do like enough songs to call myself somewhat of a fan, I was
never into them as much as other hair bands like Twisted Sister, Guns N’ Roses,
Poison, and Bon Jovi; and since I never extensively followed them, I didn’t
know everything about them other than what they became notorious for (i.e.
trashing hotel rooms and doing drugs---but how many similar bands can you not say that about?). That being said, I can’t say how much truth
there was to any of this, but the original band members had a hand in the
production so there has to be some truth to it, right? Seeing it received 40% on Rotten Tomatoes
based on 62 critics though, maybe others knew more than I did? (There’s a rather vulgar scene involving Ozzy
that I actually believe could’ve happened, but I wonder if it actually did
because I don’t remember hearing about it).
Despite containing the same ingredients for a general rock biopic (forming
a band, touring, dealing with personal issues, hitting rock bottom, picking
themselves up again) and some questionable casting choices (Machine Gun Kelly,
Pete Davidson), all I know is that I saw a raw and often fun film about a bunch
of “wild” boys that was likely all the more interesting being based on a real
band known for its infamy. I actually
enjoyed this more than Bohemian Rhapsody. 4/10/2019
Disappearance at
Clifton Hill OK/G
This was, for the most part, an intriguing mystery taking
place in Niagara Falls. I thought all
the loose ends were tied up before the very end added another mystery to the
whole proceedings. I looked for spoilers
online to see if some minor detail simply went over my head or to get a
straight answer, but no site claiming to have spoilers was any help. I hate when movies/shows are good until the
end is either unsatisfying or I’m unable to devise my own acceptable conclusion. It’s probably not as complex as I made it out
to be, and I may have proposed a correct answer after some pondering, but, damn
it, I don’t like being toyed with! 2/4/2021
The Djinn OK/G
A young mute boy in the late Eighties summons a djinn (basically a supernatural entity in several different cultures, for those unaware) from a book he finds in his new apartment to make a wish (I’m sure you can deduce what that wish might be). You know what they always say though…be careful what you wish for! This film is well-shot and the primary single location manages to be used very effectively; some parts may be chilling to some. It does lose a bit of steam towards the end, even at roughly 80-minutes, but it’s still not a bad film worth checking out. It feels like one of those that might get better with time. 3/5/2022
Doctor Sleep OK
Direct sequel to Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining made almost four decades later. Stephen King, the author of this and its
predecessor, has been very vocal about his dissatisfaction with Kubrick’s
adaptation but apparently did like the 1997 TV movie remake. I do remember liking that remake enough, but
I love Stanley Kubrick’s version. I did
read the book too and remember it being different, as many King adaptations and
their sources tend to be. I didn’t read
this book, even though I do own it (no excuse), but there’s actually a few (not
many) King books I never got around to reading despite owning them; therefore, I
had nothing to compare to while watching this. It is different than The Shining instead of feeling like a remake/reboot/whatever, and
does contain King trademarks (multiple characters from different locations that
are all connected somehow), but it still had the feel of a TV movie (not that
there’s necessarily anything wrong with that either, but this was theatrically
released). It was decent for a sequel
(regardless of being based on an actual novel), especially since it was made almost 40 years later (as I
said), and it didn’t seem like it was actually 2 ½ hours, but I can’t say I was
entirely impressed. 2/4/2020
The Doll OK
The Doll 2 EH/OK
Sabrina EH
I saw, not long ago, that Sabrina was a new evil doll movie on Netflix but luckily I found
out it was actually the third film in an Indonesian trilogy that began with The Doll and The Doll 2. The Doll and The Doll 2 weren’t available at the time, even online, so my OCD
wouldn’t allow me to watch Sabrina
right away, but they recently became available on Netflix, so my marathon began
(yes, there are subtitles for those not fluent in Indonesian). Besides the OCD reasons, luckily I did wait as
some characters reappear in each successive entry in addition to certain scenes
being referenced (the films were all released a year apart beginning in
2016). These movies are more Annabelle than Child’s Play. The doll just
happens to be present in each film generally having the same plot---there’s a
doll, there’s a demonic presence, lives are ruined, revelations indicate humans
are the real monsters. The doll in The Doll resembled a trashy, gothic
Cabbage Patch Kid while the better looking (but still creepy) Sabrina doll was
introduced in The Doll 2 and appropriately
returned for the eponymous threequel.
Indonesians certainly did their homework in watching American horror
cinema but apparently didn’t attempt to improve upon it, even going so far as
including fake jump scares; and brevity definitely isn’t their strong suit as
each of these exceeds 100 minutes with the last 2 barely shy of two hours! They all certainly seemed as long as they
were too, if not longer! None were
exactly low-budget (in the general sense; there’s a poorly staged car accident
in The Doll 2) and they were all
bloody when they wanted to be, but they were all subpar demonic possession
movies instead of actual evil doll movies.
Sure, I was reminded of Child’s
Play 2 and Dolly Dearest just
once separately throughout the entire series, but I was more often reminded of
other films like Poltergeist, Paranormal Activity(s), The Evil Dead, and just about every
other demonic/possession flick. There
was even a “jealous female trying to ruin domestic bliss” subplot รก la Fatal Attraction and The Hand that Rocks the Cradle at the
end of The Doll 2! My ratings make it appear they get weaker
each time, but none were entirely worth it, although if you’re an ‘evil doll
cinema enthusiast’ like myself, you’ll probably want to watch them strictly for
your enthusiasm while everyone else will think they’re as lame as their
American counterparts. Wait, didn’t I
complain they weren’t actually evil doll movies? Oh well, there’s a doll in them and that’ll still
probably make you ‘evil doll cinema enthusiasts’ curious, but don’t blame me if
you’re disappointed though! 1/31/2019
Dolls (2019) OK/G
No, this is not a remake of the Stuart Gordon-helmed film
from 1987. In fact, the All Movie Guide
website listed at least four other additional films with the same title. This one comes from Cuyle Carvin (who, according
to IMDb, has many more acting credits to his name) and features Dee Wallace as
one of the performers; it is currently available on Tubi (meaning free on most,
if not all, streaming platforms). I
would’ve never checked out this basically unknown low-budget film had I not
viewed a trailer for it after coming up as a suggested title on my fire stick. There are a decent amount of characters I
actually cared about, or at least got to know, and I was quite fond of the
“children’s book (Attic Dolls)” featured as a significant part of the
entire movie (I’d purchase it, it being an “adult” children’s book involving
evil dolls). The three dolls in question
aren’t too bad looking and might even creep out those with pediophobia. There is violence too, but I was a bit
disappointed in the doll action overall, which was the only aspect making the
film feel a bit lacking…just a bit. I’m
not entirely sure how I feel about the ending either since it suggested one
possible outcome which would’ve been worse (read: clichรฉd) than the one I and most others would’ve
likely hoped for, but it could be one of those that’s open to the viewers
interpretation…I don’t know. If you have
a TV that allows you access to Tubi, this really isn’t a bad entry (of course
that doesn’t mean great) in the evil doll subgenre and I’m picky as all hell
when it comes to new movies in any genre/subgenre. 3/18/2021
Doll Shark EH/OK
What will be thought of next for the toothy predators? Yes, this is exactly what you think it is. A shark stuffie kills people. Is this roughly 75-minute feature dumb? Obviously, but WTF do you expect? It will undoubtedly make people like me curious enough to check it out. Is it funny? Or at least laughably bad? Sometimes. There are kills; it’s not lacking in that department. And what enables the innocuous and cuddly plush toy to become sentient (and downright evil-looking) is actually pretty plausible. In movie world, that is. This particular kind of movie world, that is. Proceed only if you’re curious like me. As I mentioned, it is exactly what you think it is…4/15/2023
Dolly Deadly
I would’ve never heard of this film from 2016 had it not been mentioned in a recent Fangoria article. It involves a young boy living with his grandmother and her lazy man in a trailer because of what happened to his mother as a baby (which you will see), and let’s just say this boy doesn’t have the best life; eventually those around him won’t be so lucky. It is obviously low-budget, but it is ambitious (I guess); it is bizarre AF (or “absolutely bonkers,” as the writer of the aforementioned article put it), filled with idiosyncratic characters, depraved even (it does take place in a trailer park, after all), but it is one of those bad movies begging to be seen at least once (I was curious as to where it was all going). That’s not necessarily a recommendation either…4/10/2024
Door into Darkness
Four-part anthology series from 1973 that I never would’ve known of had I not seen it advertised in an e-mail Shudder sent me about upcoming releases. Dario Argento, the famous Italian filmmaker, is the producer, writer/director of two episodes, and the “Cryptkeeper” introducing each segment (the shortest being 54 minutes, the longest, 61). It is an Italian series, so, yes, that means subtitles if you don’t know a word of Italian. “The Neighbor” is definitely atmospheric, involving a couple moving into an apartment with their baby below a man that just murdered his wife. It is inconclusive, but any well-educated (be it in film or otherwise) individual should be able to deduce at least one possible outcome. “The Tram” is a murder mystery in which we watch the performers figure out who murdered a young woman on a (…) tram at night without being detected. It is fairly straightforward, but well-rounded characters make it watchable. “Eyewitness” involves a woman that believes she witnessed a murder while driving at night, and while the twist may have been innovative in 1973, you should be able to figure it out right away if seeing for the first time in 2020. Lastly, “The Doll” was also probably groundbreaking at the time for including a twist (that still was slightly surprising) after distracting you with a red herring. There were nice POV shots from the escapee in the beginning too. All in all, it’s a decent anthology series that only lasted 4 episodes, although I, personally, don’t think it would’ve mattered one way or the other if it stayed in obscurity (even though I do love anthology shows/movies as anyone that knows me should know); it’s certainly dated (1973, what do you expect?) and patience is needed to watch all of them (something fast(er)-paced modern audiences aren’t likely used to), but there are good characterizations in all of them and the entire series will only take up roughly 4 hours of your time. 9/15/2020
Four-part anthology series from 1973 that I never would’ve known of had I not seen it advertised in an e-mail Shudder sent me about upcoming releases. Dario Argento, the famous Italian filmmaker, is the producer, writer/director of two episodes, and the “Cryptkeeper” introducing each segment (the shortest being 54 minutes, the longest, 61). It is an Italian series, so, yes, that means subtitles if you don’t know a word of Italian. “The Neighbor” is definitely atmospheric, involving a couple moving into an apartment with their baby below a man that just murdered his wife. It is inconclusive, but any well-educated (be it in film or otherwise) individual should be able to deduce at least one possible outcome. “The Tram” is a murder mystery in which we watch the performers figure out who murdered a young woman on a (…) tram at night without being detected. It is fairly straightforward, but well-rounded characters make it watchable. “Eyewitness” involves a woman that believes she witnessed a murder while driving at night, and while the twist may have been innovative in 1973, you should be able to figure it out right away if seeing for the first time in 2020. Lastly, “The Doll” was also probably groundbreaking at the time for including a twist (that still was slightly surprising) after distracting you with a red herring. There were nice POV shots from the escapee in the beginning too. All in all, it’s a decent anthology series that only lasted 4 episodes, although I, personally, don’t think it would’ve mattered one way or the other if it stayed in obscurity (even though I do love anthology shows/movies as anyone that knows me should know); it’s certainly dated (1973, what do you expect?) and patience is needed to watch all of them (something fast(er)-paced modern audiences aren’t likely used to), but there are good characterizations in all of them and the entire series will only take up roughly 4 hours of your time. 9/15/2020
Downrange OK/G
This was recently released on DVD but originally released at
least 2 years ago and is (was) a
Shudder exclusive. It was directed by
Japanese filmmaker, Ryรปhei
Kitamura, who also gave us Versus, The Midnight Meat Train, and a segment
in Nightmare Cinema. It involves a group of people (3 men, 3
women) driving on a desolate road in (I’m assuming) California before one of
their tires is shot by a gunman hiding in a tree nearby. They then become sitting ducks as they’re periodically
shot at while trying to hide the best they can (mainly behind the car). The use of a single location does actually end
up working, it does get violent more than enough times, and I do want to
recommend it solely on the fact it’s generally a brutal film with no happy
ending, but it does overstay its welcome a bit at almost 90-minutes (which is
why I’m not giving it a strictly G rating).
12/1/2020
Dracula: Season One G
This Netflix series consists of three episodes roughly 90
minutes each, so it could either be viewed as three separate movies or as one 4
½ hour film, however you see fit. Now, I
haven’t seen every single film containing the titular count, not even close,
but I’ve seen and read my fair share of vampire entertainment to be familiar
with the subgenre. I’ve also never read
the famous Bram Stoker novel so I couldn’t tell you if this adaptation is
faithful or not. I heard that it is, at
least for the first two episodes; obviously the third one wasn’t based on the
novel since it took place in modern times.
Ironically, I liked the first two episodes better than the third (it
felt too modern for this story if that makes sense; almost like a sequel made
many years after the first two episodes/”movies”); I didn’t loathe the last
episode though and I thought it ended just right (fitting for a traditional
gothic tale one could say). I wasn’t
completely enamored with this series in general, but I enjoyed it enough; the performances
are worthy, it looked slick for a BBC production, and it’s violent when it
wants to be. Overall it’s a decent
vampire tale based on “classic” literature (subjective label, yes). 1/12/2020
Dreamcatcher EH
(haiku review)
Not the King-based work.
Bland slasher this is; long too.
The kills mostly suck. 8/25/2021Dumbo EH
Dumbo is one of my
favorite Disney movies (at least more so when I was much younger) and Tim
Burton is one of my favorite directors, so nothing (including mixed reviews)
was going to stop me from seeing this live-action remake (apparently this is
the only time its ever been remade too) as much as I dislike remakes (in case
you’ve never heard me mention it numerous times before), and as much as I
dislike CGI (in case you’ve never heard me mention it numerous times before). The CGI elephants did look very close to
being realistic though (I would hope so considering Tim Burton’s stature). I hate to say it, but this film was flat and
actually bored me a couple times. The
original animated film was a scant 64 minutes while this update was almost 2
hours, so you can imagine all that extra
time being filled, namely with more human characterizations. There was more excitement crammed into the
64-minute animated film and all the emotional scenes this time failed to move
me. I’m sure every Tim Burton fan (like
myself) would love for him to make another Edward
Scissorhands, Sleepy Hollow, or Sweeney Todd, but we’ll settle for the Big Fish, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and even Big Eyes, as long as they’re good.
This, unfortunately, is just another unnecessary remake which I would’ve
been in no hurry to see (bargain times or not) had there been a different
director at the helm. Tim Burton, you
need a comeback! 4/2/2019
E
Eileen OK/G
Noir thriller taking place in Massachusetts (filmed in New Jersey) during a bygone era (I found out it was the Sixties, but I would’ve surmised that or the Fifties). It also takes place during Christmastime, therefore it is a Christmas movie (don’t even start the whole ‘Die Hard’ debate with me either; if it takes place during or around the holiday, it is a Christmas movie!). Eileen is a single woman in her early twenties (played by Thomasin McKenzie) that works at a prison and lives at home with her alcoholic, retired-policeman father (played by Shea Whigham). One day, a female psychologist begins working at the prison, played by Anne Hathaway (embodying the femme fatale trope rather well), and the two gradually build a relationship. The film is a bit of a slow burn, but there is also something to be desired about it. It doesn’t overstay its welcome, which is usually a good thing, but it was kind of a bad thing here because I didn’t want it to be over when it was (I felt a little cheated). I had my own theory about the conclusion, but reading Anne Hathaway’s interpretation opened up my mind to one I didn’t even contemplate, making me want to watch the film again thinking back to parts where her postulations make a little sense (I might even like her conclusion a bit better than mine, however clichรฉd it may be). I’m curious about the book now too by Ottessa Moshfegh in which it is based (she co-wrote the screenplay as well). Expect to have discussions with those you may watch this with, or others that have also seen it. 12/12/2023
Elemental EH/OK
The newest Pixar movie wherein the elements (earth, air, fire, water; earth portrayed as trees, air as clouds) live in a city, fire living separately. I remember thinking it reminded me of Inside Out upon first seeing ads for it. Well, get that comparison out of your head, because this is nothing like Inside Out. Not. Even. Close. Inside Out was the last really good Pixar film to me; I’m actually looking forward to the sequel scheduled for next year, simultaneously dreading it since it has a whole lot to live up to. Anyway, this film contains the same old message about how we’re all not so much different and we should look past those differences. Blah, blah, blah. A girl made of fire meets a boy made of water and of course they “shouldn’t” mix and there’s dissension at first (not only amongst them, but the parents and so forth), but do you think they eventually end up together? Well…this will be the first film that many young’uns will see, so of course there needs to be a positive message. Sure, the themes will always be relevant as long as we are all different, and they can always be touching if you want them to be, but for those of us that have been around and seen lots of movies already, it could likely be yawn-inducing. Sorry Pixar, I just wasn’t that impressed with this release, in substance or general style (I actually thought some of the character features were distracting initially). 9/13/2023
Eli G/VG
Netflix film about a boy named Eli taken to a facility that
promises to cure him of a condition preventing him from being outside. This treatment facility located away from
civilization (aren’t they all?) obviously houses something sinister. Before we are given the reason behind this
shady organization, this is a fairly standard supernatural movie yet still somewhat
atmospheric enough to make me want to keep watching. The big reveal, once revealed, made this a
much better movie. At least I thought
so. [POTENTIAL SPOILER] This could very well be this generation’s Omen.
10/29/2019
Eli Roth’s History of
Horror (Season 2)
Horror filmmaker Eli Roth returns as the narrator for this
second season documentary series covering the horror film genre. There are six episodes this time as opposed
to seven last time and they’re all a little over 40-minutes without the
commercials. Oh, and just a heads up, it
is assumed you’ve seen all the movies discussed (like last season), so I
suggest you fast-forward or stop and watch said movie if you don’t want any
spoilers! Here are some (ahem, many) of
the things I said in my season one review that also apply to this season, which
you can read the rest of in the archives (www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com)---[documentary series on AMC…hosted by
filmmaker Eli Roth featuring other filmmakers and actors in the horror genre
talking about and giving their personal opinions on specific films…While the
films discussed and analyses given are absolutely nothing I haven’t heard or
read before, it’s still fun to see different people talk about them, especially
if you’re a fan of any of the talking heads or have a general interest in the
subject matter (like I obviously do)…I do think there could’ve been more than
seven episodes (they obviously didn’t cover the entire genre), but perhaps I’m
getting too far ahead of myself and more are planned?]. While it may always be enjoyable discussing
entertainment you share in common with others, or even watching it be discussed
(which is the visual equivalent), I didn’t seem to enjoy this season in its
entirety as much as last season, even though it generally had my full attention,
as it should any horror fan, or even film fan.
It might be that two of the episodes (“Monsters” and “Body Horror”)
covered films I’m not particularly a fan of; “Monsters” is a very vague term to
begin with, especially in the horror genre.
The other episodes included “Houses of Hell,” “Witches,” “Chilling
Children,” and “Nine Nightmares.” It was
refreshing to see witches included since they don’t have many films (at least
in the horror genre). The “Houses of
Hell” segment didn’t only include haunted houses, but houses that contained
evil within (House of 1000 Corpses
being an example). “Nine Nightmares”
covered films that allegedly pushed boundaries and leave it to good ol’ Eli
Roth to include films like Pieces and
Cannibal Holocaust. And perhaps they may have pushed
boundaries, but I think countless other titles could’ve been included besides Midsommar and Jordan Peele’s Us since they’re still fairly
recent. This season’s existence
certainly answered my question from last season’s review in that I was getting
too far ahead of myself. I wonder if
more seasons are planned (as of yet, there’s no news), because even though subgenres
may have been covered, there are definitely more films that can be
discussed. I love horror, like Eli Roth,
so I’ll definitely keep tuning in until every single thing in the genre is
covered! 11/16/2020
Eli Roth’s History of Horror (Season 3)
If you want a synopsis for the documentary series, just check out my reviews for season one (https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/12/mooby-reviews-12218.html) and season two (https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/11/growing-up-with-i-spit-on-your.html). In a nutshell, Eli Roth is the host, specific horror subgenres are discussed each episode, certain films are discussed within those subgenres, and various celebrities give their two cents. There are six episodes this season and they cover Sequels That Don’t Suck, Infections, Psychics, Apocalyptic Horror, Holiday Horror, and Mad Scientists. If you’ve watched the other two seasons and like all, or most, that horror has to offer, you should know whether you’ll want to tune in or not (the layout hasn’t changed). These episodes were worth watching, although I didn’t really care for the last one, “Mad Scientists,” because I’m not really a fan of any of the films covered, save for The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and I don’t know why that was included since it’s a sci-fi musical, but whatever. My personal favorite was “Holiday Horror” since some of my favorite films are in that subgenre (I never considered Terror Train a holiday film either, even though it does take place on New Year’s). And why wasn’t Child’s Play 2 included on the “Sequels That Don’t Suck” segment?!!! As much as I love Bride of Chucky (which was discussed), Child’s Play 2 is definitely the better sequel and my favorite film in the franchise (oh well, I didn’t create the show). Well, 19 episodes have been made so far, meaning there are at least 19 subgenres in horror, and season 4 hasn’t been announced yet. I can think of at least three subgenres that haven’t been exclusively covered yet---dolls, clowns (Eli even produced Clown), and sharks, or natural horror in general, but sharks could have their own episode, and that’s surprising given Eli has been on Shark Week and made that documentary, Fin. Obviously I’ll keep watching until it’s cancelled. 11/7/2021
Elves (Season One) G
Just in time for the holiday season! The titular beings aren’t jolly toymakers in this Danish Netflix series though; they are mythological creatures with sharp teeth that will kill you! It does take place around Christmas, therefore it is a Christmas series (yes, Die Hard is a Christmas movie for those of you still debating it since it takes place around the holiday, so shut up about it; so is Batman Returns and many others I could probably list), consisting of 6 episodes ranging from 20-26 minutes each, totaling a little over 2 hours (therefore, you can binge it in one sitting). Since it takes place in Denmark, yes, there are subtitles for those not fluent in Danish. A family of four travel to an island to spend the holiday, said island containing those titular creatures fenced off from this small island community (of course you’ll gradually learn the reasoning behind everything). I was reminded of Gremlins (takes place around Christmas, there’s a cute little elf not quite like the bigger elves), The Village (thematically; these creatures are very real), and Wayward Pines. The creature designs are definitely worthy and the episodes go by really fast (points for brevity without feeling too inadequate). I enjoyed this series enough to recommend it. I’m sure you’ve watched movies just as long (or longer) that were worse. 11/29/2021
Elvis EH/OK
According to Wikipedia, there are currently six biopics and six documentaries on “the King of Rock and Roll.” This is the only one I’ve seen. Sure, I know all about him through various other sources and have seen films that included him (I don’t think Forrest Gump and Bubba Ho-Tep count though). I like an Elvis song here and there, but can’t quite say I’m a big fan. I don’t dislike him. Regardless of how you may feel about the man, one can’t deny his impact on modern history (I remember a professor in a radio class I took years ago mentioning Elvis made his type of music popular for white audiences, and this film certainly didn’t deny that fact). My late grandmother had an entire room filled with his memorabilia. People like her are who you should probably ask for their opinion on this film. As for those that aren’t a fan or know not much about the guy, is this roughly 2 ½ hour film directed by Baz Luhrmann (Romeo + Juliet, Moulin Rouge!) worth it? I think if no one knew who “the King” was beforehand they should be able to get somewhat of an idea of his life during his famous years, as this chronicles when he was discovered to his death at age 42 (with the occasional flashback scene). I do think much of it felt rushed though, similar to a research paper/article only listing specific times without much detail, thereby not making it feel like a very intimate portrayal. Austin Butler (Aliens in the Attic, various Disney and Nickelodeon properties, that crapfest Yoga Hosers, etc.) did fine as the singer though. Since there are other adaptations and likely to be more, will there ever be a definitive version regardless of how the general consensus feels (which, needless to say, is always subjective)? I may not have seen any other films on Mr. Presley (and, needless to say, each movie should be judged on its own as if no other version exists), but this latest one (overall) didn’t make me feel any different about him than I had before, nor make me develop more of an appreciation. Like I said though, perhaps someone like my late grandmother would be a better person to ask. R.I.P. Grandmom! 9/19/2022
The Empty Man G
I knew not this was based on a graphic novel until watching
it and seeing it was based on one by Cullen Bunn, an artist I am familiar
with. You want to know what’s even
funnier? I actually own the first 6
issues of the comic after looking at my inventory list (yes, I have a list of
every movie, reading material, and music I own---it definitely comes in handy,
making my computer the one thing I would run into my house to retrieve if there
was ever a fire; that way I’d know everything replaceable I lost). According to research, 6 issues (the ones I
own) were released in 2014 and then another 8 were released between 2018 and
2019. I can’t remember a damn thing
about the comics (obviously, if I couldn’t even remember I owned them), so I’m
unsure how faithful this film may be, or whether it cribbed from the first 6,
the last 8, or all 14, but I’m kind of glad I didn’t remember in order to view
this film on its own terms, even though I’ve gradually gotten more lenient with
book-to-film adaptations (and I might read the first 6 issues again whenever I
feel like digging through my collection that is alphabetized, by the way; I do
have a bit of OCD if you haven’t figured that out). Anyway, this film kind of reminded me of The Ring, although not as good, because
it has that atmospheric investigative thriller aspect. It deals with an urban legend surrounding
(you guessed it…) The Empty Man, a being that will eventually come after you
for three days if you blow into an empty bottle on a bridge after dark. The story begins in Bhutan in 1995 before
heading to Missouri in 2018 and you will learn the connection as obviously
there will be one. The film is a bit all
over the place, being over 2 hours at that, but it’s never exactly boring. It’s not a perfect film, and, even at its
lengthy run-time, I still felt there might’ve been more left out (perhaps those
comics might fill me in?), but it was intriguing enough for me to give it a
mild recommendation. 1/26/2021
Encanto OK/G
(haiku review)
Pretty to behold.
Most of the songs are catchy.
Story’s a bit thin. 12/26/2021
I think the very notion of an Escape Room has been worn out
already. There’s been at least one other
movie with the same title and concept released within the past year (check out
my review for it in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com), and I’m
tired of hearing about the real ones that seem to be popping up every which
way. No, I’ve never been in one and
don’t really have a desire to. I have no
patience and I’m not too good at figuring out riddles under pressure (I’d need
ample time alone since my brain always has several tabs open at once), but my
Mom brought it up recently so I have a feeling I might partake in one
eventually. Anyway, this new film about
a group of six people partaking in a deadly Escape Room actually wasn’t bad and
generally had my attention. It’s kind of
like a Saw film but not quite, maybe more like Cube
from what I recall, although this was probably more elaborate. It does, however, get a bit conventional
towards the end and I was kind of hoping for a revelation I anticipated may
have happened but didn’t. All in all
though, you could do much worse. 4/23/2019
Every Time I Die OK
(haiku review)
Confusing at first.
Somewhat intriguing throughout.
Sappy, flat ending.
10/23/2020Evil Dead Rise OK/G
I love the original Evil Dead; I didn’t see it until my late teens, but I was instantly hooked. I grew to love Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness is still a little too spoofy for me, and the 2013 remake got better with more viewings. I loved the first season of Ash vs. Evil Dead, but seasons two and three kind of overstayed their welcome (you can read my review of the first season in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2016/04/movie-reviews-4242016.html---but it is in dire need of editing since it was around when I first started doing this blog). This fifth film in the franchise has nothing to do with the other entries (aside from Sam Raimi, Rob Tapert, and Bruce Campbell being involved), but there are some neat nods to them (the very beginning being one). The action is not at a cabin in the woods (for the most part), but an apartment building in California (shot in New Zealand though); Demons 2 may come to mind, but it takes place predominantly on one floor, one apartment specifically (you’ll see why the characters are stuck there). On one hand, it’s fine to expand a franchise instead of making the same movie again and again, but, on the other hand, why expand in the first place? The original movies are always going to be there. Is this entry worthy though? I’ll admit I lost a bit of interest halfway through and it did feel like a remake at times, but I think you need to wait until it’s over to know how you truly feel. It certainly doesn’t skimp on the red stuff and ends up being as manic as expected for an Evil Dead film once it gets going. So, notwithstanding a few issues I had, the pros ultimately outweighed the cons. It definitely wasn’t unnecessary. It might age better too; hell, I didn’t love Evil Dead 2 the first time, or appreciate the remake initially. 7/11/2023
Evil Eye EH
An East Indian woman living in New Orleans is constantly
hassled by her mother from India about meeting someone and getting
married. She eventually does meet
someone that appears too good to be true and her mother learns he’s connected
to her past, and not in a good way.
There’s nothing particularly special about this film other than depicting
realistic love-hate mother-daughter dynamics that are likely universal. Representation is great, but it doesn’t
always mean innovative (as evidenced here).
11/9/2020
The Exorcist: Believer EH
Intended as a direct sequel to the 1973 William Friedkin film (Ellen Burstyn makes an appearance as her character, and maybe Linda Blair does too…), as well as a new trilogy, much like director David Gordon Green’s Halloween trilogy (you can read my reviews for all three of those films in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/10/mooby-reviews-102818.html, here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/10/halloween-killsslumber-party-massacre.html, and here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/10/halloween-endsjeepers-creepers-reborn.html). Now, I am a fan of the first Exorcist; I don’t think it’s as great as others have made it out to be, but it is good (it may have been frightening when it was released in 1973, but with so many similar films released since, I doubt it would have much of an impact on modern viewers). I don’t care for any of the sequels/prequels though. Exorcist II: The Heretic is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen! I’m not even that much a fan of The Exorcist III despite being praised by many a horror fan; it is better than all the other sequels/prequels though, I’ll give it that. The other two…Beginning and Dominion? Let’s just say I don’t remember too much about either other than not being much of a fan. This latest installment isn’t going to win any worthy sequel awards from me either (at least Rotten Tomatoes agrees, currently only having a 22% rating out of 247 critics). In it, two young teen girls end up in a farm a ways from their town with zero recollection of how they arrived there. They got possessed after an adventure in the woods near their school (trying to summon spirits usually does that to you). After exhibiting some questionable behavior (i.e. causing a scene in church, trying to kill her father), research is done (contacting Ellen’s character being part of it) and the inevitable exorcism is performed. The ending was pretty dark for one character, but this “sequel” is largely lackluster, hence unnecessary. Unfortunately, I will watch any sequels that are made (damn OCD), but maybe they’ll be better than this one? I don’t hold high hopes for movies anymore, none of Green’s Halloween films were that grand, after all, but surprises are always welcome…12/1/2023
F
The Fall of the House of Usher (Netflix) EH
(haiku review)
I wasn’t a fan.
Forced myself to finish it.
Eight eps.; too drawn out. 11/3/2023
Fatal Attraction EH
The 1987 film starring Michael Douglas and Glenn Close was decent, but it wasn’t that great. If you were to watch it now for the first time you’d probably think it was no different than any other erotic thriller released since. In other words, it didn’t stand the test of time. Therefore, did we really need a TV series update (available on Paramount+), that’s ultimately more of a drama than thriller, consisting of eight episodes roughly an hour a piece? Absolutely not! I usually complain how some modern shows’ episodes aren’t all released at once, but I actually liked the break in between each episode here; this is most definitely not a binge-worthy show (although it somewhat worked effectively as character studies initially). I mean, if you saw the original film you pretty much know what to expect; it’s just a matter of sitting through eight stretched-out episodes. Sure, some things are done a bit differently, but nothing exactly worth raving over. Yes, the plot remains the same---a man cheats on his wife with a woman (played by Joshua Jackson and Lizzy Caplan this time), the man tells her to get lost, the woman doesn’t take it so well, etc., etc., etc. Since there’s a lot more space for the story to unfold, we are shown flashbacks (oh yeah, it takes place on two different timelines) and how other characters are affected by this relationship. Again, nothing exactly worth writing home about. To needlessly sum this remake up in one word? Unnecessary. Oh, and the very end of the last episode suggests an entirely new storyline. As of now, there are no talks of another season and I hope it stays that way! I won’t be continuing anyhow…5/29/2023
Fatman OK
Mel Gibson as Santa Claus?
It’s not quite like a Santa Claus you would expect though. For starters, he lives in a town called North
Peak (not Pole), works with the military, and can’t afford to pay his power
bill. A hitman, played by Walton Goggins
(Vice Principals), is hired by a
spoiled rich kid to take the “fat man” out.
The film did start off a bit promising, but it doesn’t really entail
much and doesn’t altogether feel like a “holiday” film even though it is. 12/13/2020
----------------------------------------------------------
R.L. Stine is one of my all-time favorite authors. Not only do I love his Goosebumps series,
but Fear Street has always been a favorite too (both since they became
popular in the Nineties). I’m almost 40
and I still read books from both series to this day. I couldn’t wait for this Netflix trilogy
bearing the name of the series set in the fictional town of Shadyside ever
since hearing of it. Apparently it’s not
based on any books in particular, just the “book series” by R.L. Stine, much
like Castle Rock is simply based on
the works of Stephen King and nothing specific.
That’s fine, although I do wish they would adapt the actual books,
preferably as a TV series (and not just because some stories wouldn’t sustain
themselves as films), and I’m sure many (like me) that grew up with the book
series would agree. I mean, they adapted
Goosebumps and even The Haunting Hour, which was only based on
two short story collections! Whereas those
two series were horror geared towards the younger set, Fear Street was
horror for teens, and there will always be teenagers in the world (as long as
babies are born) and they (the horror fans) need entertainment. For now though, I can settle for some in-name
only films (one being released each Friday this year from July 2 to July 16),
all directed by Leigh Janiak, who gave us the otherworldly Honeymoon, which I was a fan of, so I think these three features
(taking place in 1994, 1978, and 1666) are in capable hands…
----------------------------------------------------------
Fear Street Part
One: 1994 G
What a gnarly beginning to a film set in the
Nineties---someone stabbed in a shopping mall by someone wearing a skull mask,
said someone working at B. Dalton! In
true slasher fashion, particularly that decade and the decade before that, it
is rated-R, there being violence too (one of particular note involves machinery
in a supermarket). Yes, it may be a
slasher film, but there’s more to it than just that, hence the three different
timelines (I was really only reminded of two slasher movies in particular---Scream in the beginning, and Intruder in the supermarket). It’s a supernatural-slasher-teen movie that
definitely has style and probably could’ve been its own film without bearing
the Fear Street name. Some parts
in the middle weren’t as strong as the beginning and end, but I still think
it’s a worthy teen horror movie whether you’re a fan of the R.L. Stine property
or not, now or ever. I look forward to Part Two, given it takes place at camp
in the Seventies…7/2/2021
Fear Street Part
Two: 1978 OK
Camp movies can be fun; the horror ones (the Sleepaway Camps, the Friday the 13ths, The Burning, Madman,
etc.) as well as the non-horror ones (Meatballs,
Ernest Goes to Camp, and, sure, Heavyweights, etc.). The horror ones just give you the best of
both worlds. As much as I was looking
forward to this entire trilogy based on R.L. Stine’s books, this one excited me
the most because it took place at camp during the Seventies. Again, it’s not based directly off any of the
books, but the camp in this film, Camp Nightwing, is the same name of the camp
in Lights Out, and I only knew that because I read about it (I may be a
nerd, but not that much where I remember things that specific). I should’ve loved this movie being that it
took place at camp, took place in the Seventies (best decade for film behind
the Eighties, in my opinion), and the killer used an axe to off people (I do
love when sharp weapons are used in these films). I hate to say that I didn’t like it as much
as I thought I would. I didn’t hate it,
no (although I actually think I might be a bit more lenient than I should with
my rating), but it wasn’t as fun as any of those aforementioned camp
films. Yes, there may have been
violence, but the majority of kills weren’t that noteworthy, save for maybe
two, but even they weren’t enough to make me like the movie better; plus, we
barely even got to know most of the victims, unlike many of those
aforementioned films (I probably shouldn’t care about that in a slasher film,
but it sure was discernible). The killer
is a camper (seen in the first movie) possessed by a witch we learned of in the
first movie that we’ll likely get to know even more of in the next movie, which
takes place in 1666. Historical films
can be hit and miss, especially when part of a franchise, and 1666 is the entry I least looked forward
to, but perhaps it will violate my expectations positively, whereas I looked
forward to this one the most and was disappointed. I can deal with 2 out of 3 being good…7/9/2021
Fear Street Part
Three: 1666 OK/G
I don’t think I should declare it a spoiler since it was in
the Netflix synopsis, but this only takes place in 1666 during half the time;
the other half continues the 1994
segment. I think it should’ve taken
place predominantly in 1666 since that’s what it’s called, but perhaps it was a
wise decision to avoid overstaying its welcome (given historical horror isn’t
always my favorite subgenre). It wasn’t
a bad film during the time it did take place in 1666, dealing with witchcraft
accusations and satanic dealings; films like The Witch and The Village came
to mind (there is no big reveal like the latter film, no, this actually took
place in 1666, the setting just reminded me of it). I will say it is the first time I recall
seeing LGBT characters in a film set during the 17th century, a time
when it was still very much considered an abomination (not much different than
parts of the world now; hell, it still wasn’t acceptable in 1994 in most of the
world), tying in perfectly with everyone believing one “evil” is the root of
all that negatively befalls this community.
The entire story is all tied up by both the end of 1666 and 1994, so no one
should feel like they were cheated (now that all three films are available I
would suggest just binge-watching them).
This film, both 1666 and 1994 I guess, even though I should base
it solely on 1666, was better than 1978, but I personally liked 1994 the best (the first film alone, not
including this portion). 7/19/2021
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In conclusion:
As of this writing on Rotten Tomatoes, 1994 has a rating of 84% out of 91 critics, 1978 has 89% out of 82, and 1666
has 93% out of 58. All positive
percentages, which is a plus, but I disagree (if you haven’t read anything
above) since 1994 got the lowest
rating and I thought it was the best one.
In all fairness, 1994 does
have the most critics posted so far, so perhaps the other ratings will change
as more reviews are posted? I don’t
know…like always, film criticism is entirely subjective and I’ll stick with my
opinions (you can agree or disagree).
This trilogy was my most anticipated feature(s) of this year, 1978 being the one I looked forward to
the most and liked the least, go figure.
As a standalone trilogy, it wasn’t bad overall, simply only bearing the Fear
Street name with some Easter eggs thrown in. Director Leigh Janiak has stated she plans on
expanding the universe, which is fine and I’d totally watch anything related
released, but I think they should start actually adapting the books
themselves. I think many others would
agree…
----------------------------------------------------------------
The Feast
A Welsh horror film that I heard of through Rue Morgue magazine, as is often the case with films that aren’t mainstream (yes, there are subtitles; I thought they spoke English in Wales; shows how much I know). It begins fairly straightforward in an extremely arthouse way, involving a young woman going to a house of four to serve them and some guests dinner. You can sense something unexpected is eventually going to transpire, especially if you know you’re watching a horror film and that Rue Morgue covered it (I’m always interested in what they cover, as much as I’ve disagreed with them before). This movie ends up being twisted as all hell; one part I even found disturbing. Despite how twisted it truly gets, I think I might have actually taken something from it (there’s mention of a local folklore and everything, as surreal as it may get, kind of makes sense with that info). I really don’t know what to rate it, so I won’t for now. I read an interview in which the director said you’ll likely have to watch it at least twice to pick up on everything, maybe even more times, so I’ll take his word for it and watch again (just not now; I usually don’t watch the same movie so close together). I don’t know whether I should tell people to watch either, and to whom I should tell, because I think many horror and non-horror fans will both have the same ‘WTF’ reaction (I am curious to hear other thoughts though). This film clearly isn’t for everyone. 1/2/2022
Firestarter EH
Firestarter was never my favorite King property, but the original film wasn’t bad (you can read my review for it, plus the sequel here---https://vampireclown82-2.blogspot.com/2020/06/burn-baby-burn.html). Those of you that share the same neutral opinion as I towards the original, or feel even less about it, should steer clear of this remake available on Peacock as well as theaters. I actually thought this was going to be okay in the beginning, it being more of a re-imagining than a remake, but it most definitely does not sustain itself much after that. It felt so incomplete by the time it was over and not just with the ending itself (which I felt didn’t really make sense). The “very-Eighties” score by John Carpenter (who was actually going to direct the original film at one time) is really the only commendable aspect about this unnecessary update. 5/18/2022
Five Nights at Freddy’s OK
I’ve never played a single one of the video games (I saw there are at least 13) or read any of the books or comics (at least 28 I saw) on which this film is based. Therefore, I went into this movie with zero knowledge of what to expect, other than it containing killer animatronic characters in a Chuck E. Cheese-style establishment (here, a place called Freddy Fazbear’s, an abandoned place popular in the Eighties still in need of night security guards because the owner “just can’t let the place go;” it takes place in 2000). I would imagine it’s somewhat faithful considering the creator, Scott Cawthon, had a hand in the screenplay and production. I can see comparisons made to Willy’s Wonderland (you can read my review for that here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/04/willys-wonderland.html), and it most certainly came to mind before and during watching, but the plots are a bit different. This one is also rated PG-13, so the majority of violence is implied (yes, people are killed), but implied violence can be effective in gateway horror, and this film does manage to succeed in being suitable for those that might be a bit too young for violence. I do think it falls short in terms of a general horror film though, at least in how the film could’ve been, but I have a feeling we’re going to see more of this world (Cawthon said there will be more depending on this film’s success; surely there’s enough to tell with all those games, books, and comics!). Currently, it has a 29% rating out of 144 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. It definitely wasn’t that bad, but had the rating been much higher, I might’ve thought it was overrated (at least based on this first viewing). I will say that for surpassing 100-minutes, it really didn’t feel that long. 10/28/2023
Folklore: Season One EH
(haiku reviews)
Objective:
Six eps. HBO.
Six different Asian countries.
Anthology show.
Subjective:
How disappointing.
I like anthology shows.
Not this one. Bummer.
A Mother’s Love EH/OK
Indonesian one.
Chilling but derivative.
Wewe. Kidnapper.
Tatami B
Japan. Curses. Deaths.
The Grudge-ish. Only it’s worse.
Too slow. Too empty.
Nobody EH/OK
Singapore. Dead girl.
Raped. Murdered. Back for revenge.
Formulaic. Lame.
Pob OK/G
Thai one. Wasn’t bad.
Hungry ghost.
Literally.
There’s a Caucasian.
Toyol EH
Not sure which country.
Gorgeous shots. Demon
baby?
Confusing for me.
Mongdal OK
Korea. Teen boy.
Psycho. Unrequited
love.
Death. Ghost. Dark.
Okay. 2/4/2019
The Forever Purge EH/OK
This is movie #5?
Plus there were two seasons of a TV series (I only saw the first season
and don’t know if and when I’ll check out the second). I actually gave the four preceding films a G
rating according to my archives; the first two films I just rated; you can read
my review for Election Year here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2016/11/mooby-reviews-11416.html
and The First Purge here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/10/mooby-reviews-101718.html. Much like the Final Destination and Paranormal
Activity films, these films have a simple premise and you pretty much know
what you’re going to get when watching; take them for what they are basically
and you either like them or you don’t (like anything really). Let’s see, every year in America there is a
day where all crime, including murder, is legal for 12 hours. In this sequel though, many decide to
continue purging past the 12-hour mark, hence the Forever Purge. That being
said, this didn’t feel like a typical Purge
film since the others showed a microcosmic depiction whereas this is more
macrocosmic, making it seem more akin to a Mad
Max film or other post-apocalyptic features, meaning there are many
repetitive action sequences. I couldn’t
wait for it to be over a little more than halfway; I thought I was going to
like it in the beginning too! I think
this franchise ran out of steam, but I’d say having at least four out of five
passable entries makes it a fairly worthy one, no? 10/1/2021
For the Sake of Vicious OK/G
This began as one type of movie that I really didn’t have too much hope for, it involving a man kidnapping and holding another man hostage in a woman’s house. He believes the kidnapped man is responsible for raping his daughter and demands a confession from him. They are all the least of each other’s problems as it eventually becomes a much more manic film; bloody too. Oh yes, there is violence. This is probably the craziest home invasion film I’ve seen in a long while, if not ever (part of the title is correct in that it can be vicious!). It doesn’t really entail much at all, but I had fun with it once the ball got rolling after the uninspired beginning. I’m probably going to have to watch it again. No, I should say I want to watch it again. It is barely 80-minutes after all. 1/9/2022
47 Meters Down: Uncaged G/VG
This sequel really could’ve been its own movie titled Uncaged.
It bears a few similarities to the first that you’ll notice solely on
the fact that it is a sequel, but there are no direct references. The biggest (and arguably only) connection is
the same director. Now, did I like
it? Yeah, I did actually (hopefully my
rating, which is the same split one I gave the first, indicated that). Summertime has basically become synonymous
with shark movies and it’s now safe to say they’re good again after last year’s
disappointment that was The Meg. I’ve watched The Shallows every summer since it was released in 2016 and this
film’s preceding entry was enjoyable the following summer (you can read my reviews
for all three of those films in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). Much like the first film, the underwater
shots were equally as compelling as the shark scenes (they need to be since you
can’t effectively have a shark attack every second; hell, Jaws didn’t) with that sense of dread knowing a shark could appear
at any time since you’re watching a shark movie; it’s just a matter of when,
where and how (and sharks aren’t the only danger the characters face). I don’t want to give anything away either
(I’m not sure if it was written about or in a preview), but it’s the first
shark movie I’ve seen where a shark had a particular defect (and the first film
was the first time I saw a particular twist in one). Granted, the film isn’t great (like Jaws or The Shallows) and is sometimes predictable (I’m actually surprised
I didn’t see a “Deep Blue Sea” moment
coming), but I had enough fun and enjoyed it the same way I did the first (hence
the same rating, although different films) to recommend it. I’ll definitely be curious if the director
(Johannes Roberts) releases a third one but simultaneously apprehensive because
you never know when follow-ups will stop being worthy. 8/17/2019
Freaky OK/G
Imagine Freaky Friday
with a body count. I’m surprised it
hasn’t been done before this. The
director, Christopher Landon, also gave us Happy
Death Day, which imagined Groundhog Day
with a body count; he was also behind the sequel, Happy Death Day 2U, the fifth Paranormal
Activity (The Marked Ones), and Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse. Whereas all four Freaky Friday films dealt with a mother and daughter switching
bodies, this film has a teenage girl in high school switch bodies with a
middle-aged male serial killer (played by Vince Vaughn). The Hot
Chick this is not. Well, kind
of…with a body count. Some of the kills
here are top-notch, particularly one involving a table saw and the deaths in
the beginning, one of them giving a particular kill in Sorority Row a run for its money; there’s also a kill that may give
a specific death in Jason X a run for
its money, or at least rival it, or, in the very least, remind you of it. On the topic of the kills, my only complaint with
this film would be there weren’t enough of them. Call me picky, or chalk it up to my
expectations being a bit too high, but I felt there were instances where more
kills could’ve been utilized. Although I
may have been a bit disappointed in that regard, I’ll still recommend it,
especially for those of you that find the Freaky
Fridays and The Hot Chicks fun
and/or funny, but feel that some violence might make them a bit more fun! 2/12/2021
Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby OK
I recently re-watched Freeway
(1996), starring Reese Witherspoon and Kiefer Sutherland, and realized I
never saw this sequel released in 1999.
This bears no relation to its predecessor other than being helmed by the
same director (Matthew Bright) and Freeway
playing on a TV at one time (wink, wink).
Both films feature young women escaping from a prison and facing
adversity on the way to their desired destinations, but whereas Freeway was a clever update on “Little
Red Riding Hood,” this film made a few references to “Hansel and Gretel” (and
one to “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”), but wasn’t as thorough an
update. It does get a bit dark towards
the end and the film is okay in a trashy kind of way (a scene involving bulimic
women binge-eating and taking turns purging into a bucket is certainly in poor
taste), but Freeway is definitely the
better film. Watch that first (if you
haven’t already) and then watch this unrelated sequel if you feel you must
(both are available on Tubi). Or, for a
better movie released in 1999 featuring Natasha Lyonne, watch Detroit Rock City or American Pie or But I’m a Cheerleader. 4/16/2020
Friday the 13th Fan Films
Last Friday the 13th I came across a list of fan films on social media, so I decided to check them all out, given I’m a fan of the franchise. I can say I’ve seen at least three Friday the 13th fan films before; one was good (Never Hike Alone, review here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/09/never-hike-alone.html), one was okay (Never Hike in the Snow, haiku review here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/10/tremors-shrieker-island.html), and one wasn’t that great (Vengeance, review here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/09/friday-13th-vengeancethe-dead-dont-die.html). Below are my reviews/descriptions for the other fan films I came across and checked out. They’re all available on YouTube and if the film doesn’t come up in search by just the title alone, type in Friday the 13th before the title.
---------------------------------
Jason’s Bloodtrails (2020)
People die, but obviously it’s not long enough at just 5-minutes.
Here Comes the Night (2019)
We do get to know at least half the characters in 18-minutes. Decent short very much like a Jason movie.
Camp Blood: Cat and Mouse (2020)
Just okay (barely) 9-minute film in which we see Jason only go after one victim; two if you count the very end.
Michael vs. Jason: Evil Emerges (2019)
Been suggested for a while and even though I prefer these 2 cinematic villains over Freddy Krueger, neither one talks and both are invincible (like most of their ilk), so how would it effectively work? This 29-minute film does manage to be entertaining, so perhaps a short film was the best way to make it work? If anyone can make a feature-length film that works, bring it on! As for whether there’s a winner here…I won’t say, but remember the invincible comment?
Death Curse (2020)
Didn’t much care for this 22-minute film that mostly felt fast-paced and clearly wasn’t edited well.
Extraction (2012)
Barely even average 12-minute film with a somewhat worthy ending.
Resurgence (2020)
This one managed to resemble a typical Friday the 13th film in just 20-minutes, although the acting was terrible, but I can kind of (but not really) let it slide since no one likely got paid (like most fan films). I give them a B for trying…well, maybe a B-.
Repetition (2013)
I don’t recall Jason ever killing anyone with an empty canned good before. That’s all that stands out in this 14-minute short. Oh, and there’s a creepy dude sipping blood through a straw from one of his wounds. The kills weren’t terrible either. Wait until after the credits for another scene that’s never quite been done in a Friday film before…
Legacy (2017)
Okay-ish 19-minute film set on a beach. In other words, the setting doesn’t very much resemble a Jason Voorhees film.
J’s Night (2014)
This 30-minute French film (yes, that means subtitles) takes place in the States (there was a Massachusetts license plate). It’s average (if that) and violent when it wants to be; those French sure do love violence (look no further than the New French Extremity).
No Man’s Land (2011)
I know the platform is YouTube, but the picture quality isn’t the greatest. 52-minutes isn’t long in the general sense, but it is when the picture quality isn’t the greatest. It’s pretty standard as far as narrative goes (there isn’t much to expect in these movies, especially fan films), but the violence looked like it may have been worthy if the picture quality was better. This entry was listed as one of the better fan films on a post I came across, but I can’t agree. Did I mention that the picture quality wasn’t the greatest?
The Man in the Lake (2016)
This 41-minute film was kind of bland, meaning not too suspenseful; some of the kills were fine, but some nods to past films (I hope you know not the fan ones) weren’t exactly worthy. Not the worst fan film I’ve seen, but…
Jason Rising (2021)
This almost-an-hour fan film is definitely well-shot and has atmosphere. I’m guessing it’s a sequel to The Final Chapter (Part 4) based on information given, but I could be wrong (does it really matter where a Jason fan film falls on the timeline though?). Someone else besides Jason returns from the dead to do some killing (shouldn’t be hard to guess who, at least for fans), plus a familiar face from early in the franchise makes an appearance. One of the better fan films that certainly gets an A for effort.
Voorhees (2020)
This one takes the cake for being the longest of the bunch at 99-minutes. It doesn’t take the cake for being the best, but it’s definitely not the worst. As has been done before, criminals pick the wrong place to lay low for a bit. Camp Crystal Lake doesn’t really look much like a camp here (much like Legacy), more of a field with an abandoned house and farm. Some of the violence is worthy; one involving a hammer comes foremost to mind, one scene was actually kind of gross, and I don’t recall anyone ever being killed with a wind chime before…
----------------------------------------
I listed the films in the order I viewed them instead of alphabetically or (obviously) from best to worst or worst to best. When it comes to the Friday the 13th franchise, you pretty much either like them or you don’t. Someone I once went to college with stated about the films, “Yes, I do enjoy them as corny as they are,” and I pretty much agree. Jason was one of the first cinematic villains I got into, so I’ll always have a soft spot for his films. I do obviously prefer the actual films in the franchise, which most I’ve seen several times. I doubt I’ll ever watch any of these fan films again, but I’ll watch any released that come across my radar given I am a fan of the franchise. That being said, I don’t think anyone without even a remote interest in the property would care to check out these fan films posted online that made no profit. Hopefully my descriptions (which include run-times for each) will enable you to decide which ones you would want to check out if you do decide to watch any of them. My favorites of the bunch were probably Jason Rising, Michael vs. Jason: Evil Emerges, Here Comes the Night, and Resurgence, but a post I saw listing the best ones only included two of those four (Jason Rising is recent, so that might’ve made it on the list). These amount of fan films in addition to the studio ones (which are 12 if you include Freddy vs. Jason and the 2009 remake) prove that Jason Voorhees is far from dead, and these are just titles I happened to come across as I’m sure there are even more! 8/23/2021
Friday the 13th: Vengeance EH/OK
This is a new fan-made film available on YouTube that is
allegedly a direct sequel (set 30 years later) to Friday the 13thPart VI:
Jason Lives. Jason Lives is one of my favorite
sequels in the franchise (largely for nostalgic reasons; it was the first one I
saw) and nothing indicated this took place in the same timeline. There were references to Part V: A New Beginning (not
too bad) and Part 2 (kinda bad), as
well as an attempted re-enactment of the first double murder in the original
first (almost very bad). It’s clear the
makers (which were fans supposedly) had their hearts in the right places, but
it’s also clear they didn’t have the right means to make it (kickstarter?), yet
they somehow managed to get legendary composer, Harry Manfredini (who scored the
majority of Friday films among others). It may be that YouTube might not be the
greatest platform to distribute a movie on despite being great for many other
things (I do use YouTube); I just didn’t feel like I was watching a real movie,
like it actually was a fan-made film specifically loaded onto the channel. Wait a minute…nevermind. There was gore, but often the camera would
cut away and show the aftermath which might’ve been smart for budgetary or rating
reasons, but it was mostly an annoyance making it look even more unprofessional.
I felt myself getting bored quite a bit
too and the ending leaves it open for a follow-up. I’m all for another Jason movie as long as it’s
made with the right means and looks like an actual film (all filmmakers are
essentially film fans are they not?). That
doesn’t mean a remake though; this may have actually been better than that 2009
remake, but I would still like a movie better than this. 9/17/2019
Fried Barry B
The titular character is abducted by aliens and undergoes an
ordeal that puts the ones from Fire in the
Sky to shame. It could just be his
drug-induced state, so I don’t know. A
synopsis tells me an alien inhabits his body and uses it to travel through Cape
Town, which is in South Africa, if you didn’t know. Whatever, the movie didn’t work for me as an
alien abduction film or a drug-induced one.
I read that it’s an acquired taste and I wonder if it’s one of those
films in which you yourself need to be fried to enjoy it. I can see it likely becoming a cult film, as
some are already labeling it, and hence the “acquired taste,” but I’m
definitely not one of those fans, nor do I see myself ever becoming one; I
think it’s one of the worst movies of the year.
It currently has an 83% score out of 42 critics on Rotten Tomatoes
though, so what do I know? 5/7/2021
From (Season One)
Ten-episode series on MGM+ (which I believe is the new Paramount+), all roughly 50-minutes each. There’s a small town surrounded by woods wherein anyone who happens to enter it cannot leave (you try and you’ll just end up right back in town). People stuck there have come from all over. There are creatures that look like people until they attack that only come out at night. Are they vampires? Possibly; I don’t recall the name ever mentioned; they’re just labeled “monsters.” You must be inside somewhere protected by a talisman that prevents them from entering. Are these people in some kind of purgatory? Like all of life’s questions, everyone in town has speculations. There is a Stephen King quality to it all in that there are many characters we get to know that are stuck in a predicament. It does drag at times (no surprise given there are ten episodes not much shorter than an hour a piece), but I never felt like I forced myself to continue, and I am curious as to what the big mystery is, which wasn’t revealed this season. There is a season two coming this April, and I will tune in for at least one more round (two at the absolute most), but I hope they don’t plan on going longer than that. 2/22/2023
From the Depths OK
Here we have a different kind of shark movie. It’s more of a psychological thriller with
sharks in it, although a shark does play a key part. It involves the post-traumatic stress a young
woman deals with after a shark attack. In
other words, if you’re expecting a shark attack movie strictly dealing with
unsuspecting (although one should always be on guard in the ocean or any body
of water) swimmers being chomped up, you might be disappointed (even though
there are some shark attacks on
screen). It’s also a zombie movie of
sorts, uh-huh (of sorts meaning sometimes and not in the way you think; undead
people make appearances just like sharks do).
A twist is tacked on at the end that may have made it a bit more
thought-provoking (more so if it was released between 20 and 30 years ago),
while also making it a bit worse than it already was. I don’t know.
I really don’t know who I should say this movie is ultimately for,
whether it be the sharksploitation fans, the psychological thriller fans, or
the zombie fans, because it’s all of those but not one of those completely and
each part is merely just an okay version.
I will say that the majority of sharks featured weren’t crappy though. 4/21/2021
Frozen II OK
So here we are with round 2 of the Nordic-set Disney film
featuring the two sisters, Anna and Elsa, a ginger and blonde, respectively;
theatrically-released no less. I did
like Frozen as did many young and
old, and I’m sure there were many a parent sick to death of that Idina
Menzel-performed song that became very much a part of pop culture. I’m admittedly a fan of it and there was even
a worthy metal cover by a band called Betraying the Martyrs. Ironically, “Let it Go” is a song about
letting go of the past while this sequel involves righting a past mistake. While the animation in this film looked great
(no surprise considering the studio), I hate to say the story had the feel of
an inferior direct-to-video sequel. I
was only a fan of one of the many songs which still wasn’t as good as “Let it
Go.” I know you shouldn’t compare to
what came before, especially if what came before was a huge success, but
shouldn’t any attempt always strive to be the best? I hate to say I also didn’t care much for
Olaf this time, who I actually was a fan of last time (his presence was more
annoying here). I hate to keep saying ‘I
hate to say,’ but I hate to say I just wasn’t feeling it as much this
time. I suggest just checking it out on
video (meaning DVD/Blu-ray/streaming/whatever) as it has that direct-to-video
feel, like I said. 12/9/2019
G
The Gallows Act II B
The Gallows (2015)
was a much maligned film, having received only 1 out of 5 stars on All Movie
and 15% out of 114 critics on Rotten Tomatoes, even being voted the worst film
of that year in Rue Morgue Magazine, but I actually didn’t think it was that
bad. No, it wasn’t great, but it had a
lot of atmosphere going for it; I mean, an empty high school at night? Kind of a creepy setting, no? It also kind of, sort of reminded me of a “Goosebumps”
story (Phantom of the Auditorium).
For those of you that hated the first one, I think you might have a
little more respect for it after this drivel of a sequel that rightfully
received 0% out of just 13 critics on Rotten Tomatoes. The victim/villain (Charlie) does return here
as well as the same directing duo, but this film is an entirely different beast
than the first, a much worse beast if I haven’t made that clear. It doesn’t get good until the very end, but
even that kind of negated everything that came before it. I am willing to give an Act III a chance if it’s much better than this Act. I hated this movie…if I
haven’t made that clear. 2/5/2020
Game of Death OK/G
I guess you can say this is a combination of Jumanji and Battle Royale (ironically there’s a poster for the former hanging
on a wall); I was even reminded of The
Frighteners at the end. In it, a
group of teenagers end up playing the titular board game at a party and it instructs
them a certain amount of people have to die (24) or they all will. Of course no one takes it seriously at first
before finding out one of their heads will explode if someone else doesn’t
die. Now, there are only about 7 of
them, so that leaves at least 17 more people.
Oh, the moral dilemma. The film
is very gory, and that doesn’t just involve the exploding heads, and there is a
bit of fun in its barely 73-minute run-time (although it felt a little longer
than that), but there really is not much more to it than its simple premise,
the violence being the sole factor making it a bit distinguishable. 3/27/2021
Ghostbusters: Afterlife OK
I am a fan of Ghostbusters. The original 1984 film, that is. I wouldn’t be surprised if the majority of 80’s and 90’s kids aren’t as well. I owned a Ghostbusters lunchbox as a kid; at least I believe I did; I had lots of lunchboxes and I believe Ghostbusters was one of them (unless another kid owned one and I’m mixing up the memories…whatever). I remember watching the animated series, The Real Ghostbusters, when it originally aired (one part that stands out is when Slimer draws a raincloud outside a window at the end of an episode just so he could sleep while it’s raining and I remember thinking that I completely understood). And that Slimer juice…Ecto-cooler? That shit was da bomb! I’m not as big a fan of Ghostbusters II, but I still watched it enough and own the DVD. As for that 2016 remake? I didn’t hate it, but I still think it was unnecessary (call me a misogynist, I really don’t care; I’ve known women that didn’t like it either; you can read my review for it here, if you want---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2016/10/mooby-reviews-10252016.html). As for this sequel that appears to be a direct one of the original film? It has its moments (i.e. the scene in Walmart) and I wouldn’t go so far as saying it was unnecessary, but I did expect it to be better than it was; it felt more like a remake at times, and not in the homage-y way (those parts made it seem unnecessary). Needless to say, the film you grew up with or have a deep connection with is always going to be the better version and any remake/sequel/prequel/whatever released (especially if it’s years afterwards) is rarely ever going to be as good. I completely understand that and I didn’t expect this going in to be better than the original. It was okay, I guess, and Ghostbusters fans (namely of the original) are understandably going to watch it anyway, but clearly I will always be an 80’s kid. R.I.P. Harold Ramis a.k.a. Egon. 2/4/2022
A Ghost Waits G
After a rather feeble beginning, I kind of grew to like this
black-and-white film labeled as a horror/comedy. Yes, there may be ghosts, but I didn’t find
anything particularly horror about it. [Beetlejuice came to mind at one point,
but they’re two different films]. There
was some comedy to it, sure, one scene involving the male protagonist conversating
with a toilet I found quite amusing (it’s not as bizarre as it sounds), but I
just thought of it as simply a movie (lame description, I know). It becomes a romance of sorts by the end,
but, however you want to label it, I can’t deny I was slightly charmed by this
low-budget indie feature available on Arrow.
3/4/2021
Girl on the Third Floor G
This at first appeared to be like one of those shows where someone
completely renovates a house, but it still held my interest knowing it was a
horror movie I was watching. At one time
I was reminded of a certain animated movie released in the 2000s that I don’t
want to reveal in case of spoilers. It
is essentially a haunted house movie containing a gradually disclosed history
and, while not perfect, is more intriguing than not and bears that “maybe I’ll pick
up more during repeat viewings” quality.
There was one part that actually made me cringe a bit too, although I
felt somewhat jubilant afterwards. Mild
recommendation, or medium maybe (like I suggested, my opinion might change if I
watch it again). 1/11/2020
Glass G
Split wasn’t even
a sequel to Unbreakable; it just
existed in the same comic book-inspired universe concocted by M. Night
Shyamalan and you didn’t know so until the end.
This is technically a sequel to both, technically making all three films
a trilogy. Yes, you do have to watch Unbreakable and Split before watching this to get a full understanding of the characters
(at least the three played by Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, and James
McAvoy). Even though I am a fan of M.
Night, I’ll admit I didn’t intend to see this right away (although definitely
eventually) as it didn’t look too good and the low rating on Rotten Tomatoes
didn’t alter that. After some thought
though and knowing not to listen to critics (whether good or bad) since I’m one
too (as well as anyone, naturally), plus having a free movie pass and wanting
to see for my damn self, I went for it. Also,
if you’re a fan of M. Night and/or saw Unbreakable
and Split, do you really think you
can allow yourself to not watch this? (I understand not everyone has OCD like me
but still). Unbreakable and Split
weren’t great but I still liked them and I pretty much felt the same way about
this which makes it a good companion piece, and I can honestly say I enjoyed
this more than many films actually based on comic books. You might need to hold your judgment until
it’s over because I thought it was the plain kind of good for a bit before
being cleverly tied up as Mr. Shyamalan knows how, poignantly even. 1/30/2019
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery OK
According to my archives, I only gave Knives Out an EH rating; I definitely would’ve rated it higher the second time I watched it. Only Daniel Craig’s detective character returns in this sequel (now available on Netflix) with a new set of characters, all of which congregate at the titular structure on an island in Greece for a murder mystery. Initially things don’t go as planned, or so we’re lead to believe. There are only so many ways to do a whodunit, let alone most types of movies, so a good group of characters are surely needed, which we do get to know most of them here a good deal. Conventions are tinkered with a bit (it is sometimes well-written), but it is (expectedly) rather indistinguishable and does overstay its welcome at almost 2 ½ hours. Like I said, there’s not too much you can expect from a whodunit/murder mystery/whatever-you-want-to-call-it anymore. 12/23/2022
Godzilla vs. Kong OK/G
I finally got to see this much-discussed film that I was in
no rush to see; I’ll see it when I see it thought I. I’m not even that much a fan of the movies
featuring either titular titan; I haven’t even seen them all either, but I know
I saw the last couple for both and I believe this crossover was in relation to
the most recent titles. Now, when I see
a movie called Godzilla vs. Kong,
that is primarily what I expect to see.
I know, I know, all the expected exposition has to be there (and an
entire film of fighting would’ve likely been redundant), but it seemed like
there was a whole lot of exposition here, especially in the beginning. Even though I’ve seen films featuring both
creatures, like I said, I have no idea who any of the human characters are, nor
do I keep track of any of them, usually reminded of them if they’re
re-introduced or we’re presented with a flashback, but I think others would
agree with me when I say the humans are ancillary in these films regardless of
how much screen-time they get. Now, the
scenes that do feature the behemoths duking it out are rather impressive (I saw
it on a small screen too!), and there are other beings aside from the main
attractions that provide equally impressive scenes. Adam Wingard directed, who was also behind
films like You’re Next and The Guest, so it was in very capable
hands (although those two films are much different, of course). I hate to say it felt a bit lacking in what I
expected (the film was almost 2 hours too) and I ultimately didn’t enjoy it as
much as other action movies involving monsters of some kind, and [SPOILER] I
didn’t like how both creatures ended up being the good guys at the end, but I also
wasn’t anticipating much (like I said).
It is what it is and I enjoyed a decent amount of it, so I’m definitely
not dismissing it. 8/3/2021
Good Boys G
To be young again.
Like the 12-year-olds in this film.
The insecurities. Puberty. Social statuses. The foul language used before knowing the
true meanings. I can recall kids using
language they had no business saying and watching movies they were arguably too
young for as early as second grade. South Park has been largely successful
in portraying how kids really are and I remember reading that that was their
(Matt Stone and Trey Parker) intention.
This film doesn’t quite have the feel of South Park though, more like Superbad
involving younger characters (ironically, some of the same people were involved
with both movies). It is very much rated R and contains quite a bit of adult
content which basically makes the target audience unaligned with the main
characters, so I’ll let all you parents/guardians decide if your children
(specifically pre-teen) should watch this (even though the majority of them
probably act like these kids anyway). I
thought it had some laugh-out-loud moments and I liked the rapport amongst the
three primary boys. It’s far from great,
that’s why it’s called Good Boys and not Great Boys, and part of me feels I’m being a teeny tiny bit generous
with my rating, but it was a decent amount of fun to recommend and, to
reiterate, generally shows how young people really act as opposed to many
sugarcoated films/TV shows. 11/19/2019
Goodnight Mommy EH/OK
The original Austrian film was released just 8 years ago. I rated it OK, according to my archives, and I probably would’ve given it the same rating after I re-watched it before checking out this remake released last year on Amazon Prime. In the original, young twin boys have a strange suspicion their mother, whom they are staying with at an isolated house in the country, isn’t their real mother due to her behavior and bandages she’s wearing over her face after surgery. The twist isn’t hard to figure out from the get-go, at least for me since I’ve seen too many movies. It’s still an okay film (as I mentioned), albeit a bit of a slow burn, with an ending that may be ambiguous to some (the very ending, not the aforementioned twist). This remake is not much different save for one or two scenes that are part of a dream (I don’t count that). Even if I never saw the original, I think I would’ve still figured out the twist (it may have been even more obvious here). Can I add this to the list of unnecessary remakes? Sure. I don’t see why you would watch this if you saw the original, especially not long beforehand, unless you want to see different performers, don’t want to read subtitles (if English is your primary language), or are just curious to see if anything will be altered (yours truly fell into the latter camp, in addition to OCD). Everything happens exactly how you expect, right up to the ending that may be ambiguous for some. I think I’m being a bit nice by giving it half an OK rating (I definitely lean more towards EH), but I actually didn’t completely dislike it even though no curveballs were thrown. If you haven’t seen many movies in your lifetime, or never saw the original, you might like it better and possibly be shocked by the twist. 2/3/2023
Goosebumps (Season One) OK
New series consisting of ten episodes (roughly 40-minutes each, give or take, currently available on Disney+ and Hulu) loosely, not directly, based on the books by one of my favorite authors, R.L. Stine. It is a narrative show, as opposed to the original anthology one, taking place in a Pacific Northwest town involving a group of teenagers and their parents whom did something wrong when they were teenagers. I didn’t dislike this new iteration, but I wasn’t wholeheartedly impressed with it either. I wasn’t a fan of most of the effects (particularly those in the episodes “The Cuckoo Clock of Doom” and “Go Eat Worms”) and the story just didn’t appeal to me that much. Slappy was passable here, and it does have its moments (i.e., the puppet people), but why couldn’t they just make another anthology series, if anything, even if they remade some of the books that were already adapted? [I wish they kept the Are You Afraid of the Dark? revival an anthology show too]. I wasn’t even the biggest fan of the original Goosebumps TV series, but I still enjoyed it somewhat in terms of gateway horror (and anthology shows are always fun). As of now, there are no second season confirmations, but the story obviously isn’t over. Yes, I’m still going to continue if there is one (I can’t stop now, right?), but I think I just prefer the original book series from the Nineties over any adaptation. [The two Goosebumps films were just decent (my review of the second one is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/10/mooby-reviews-101718.html)]. 11/17/2023
Great White OK
New shark attack movie that wasn’t direct-to-video or a Syfy
channel movie. It’s a shame it wasn’t
(ahem) great. I love how a shark will
bite into a seaplane, enabling it to gradually sink, but it doesn’t bite into a
floating raft. That’s what happens here;
a couple, along with their cook, fly another couple on their seaplane before making
an unexpected landing, this being where the shark bites the plane and all five
people enter the raft. Since all
possible rescue options are out, they hope to float or row to safety while
avoiding what lurks below. This is a realistic
movie for the most part; yes, this could happen, but the same went for other
shark attack movies like The Shallows
and 47 Meters Down. The difference between this and those films
are that they were entertaining as well.
Sure, there were a few suspenseful scenes here and the sharks were
passable enough (except for when their mouths opened wide), but the attacks
weren’t exactly noteworthy when they actually happened (something very
important when watching a shark attack movie).
I didn’t dislike this movie (although I think I am sort of being too
nice with my rating), but it definitely can’t stand alongside other worthy entries
in the sharksploitation subgenre. 9/7/2021
Greta G/VG
This thriller from Neil Jordan (The Crying Game, Interview
with the Vampire) is nothing we haven’t seen before. Instead of a heterosexual relationship though
in which one is the stalker/psycho, this film involves two women, one young and
one older (played by Chloe Grace Moretz and Isabelle Huppert). Their relationship isn’t intimate though;
Greta (Huppert) is just a lady whom Chloe’s character befriends after returning
a bag to her before realizing she’s one of many that did the “right” thing. Greta is a crazy be-yotch and will make you
think twice about doing the “right” thing (but you should already know there
are people like Greta out there; maybe just leave the bag unattended or wait
until lost and found is actually open?).
The film may have been predictable at times and there’s a twist at the
end I figured out (What can I say? I watch too many movies), but everything was
situationally right for this picture.
The performances were all great and I don’t think I was bored a single
time. Greta has my stamp of approval!
6/2/2019
Gretel and Hansel EH/OK
Unless you were born yesterday (or not that long ago) or
live a very sheltered existence, I assume you know the traditional story involving
the titular siblings? If not, a brother
and sister named Hansel and Gretel wander into the woods and end up at a house
wherein a cannibal witch resides. In
most versions, the kids end up defeating the witch by pushing her into the
oven. There have been so many variations
of this tale, there’s Google and Wikipedia among other ways if you want to know
them all (I’m not going to list them), but this is the first time I recall
Gretel’s name being listed first (she is the older sibling here after
all). This recent version does contain
two siblings (a boy and girl) that venture into the woods (due to rather
depressing circumstances) and come across a house containing a witch. I won’t disclose whether the conclusion
remains traditional in case you want to watch, even though I personally don’t
recommend it. I have no problem with old
stories being fleshed out as long as they’re (somewhat) unique and/or
interesting. Stylistically, this film
passes, enough. Script-wise, not so
much. I felt this could’ve gone to much
darker places at times and I often felt teased.
By the film’s end, I was more unsatisfied than not, as well as
disappointed. 5/5/2020
The Grinch EH
Grizzly II: Revenge B
Grizzly from 1976,
while far from great and obviously attempted to be “Jaws on land,” is a decent natural horror film for those that enjoy
such films. I mean, there’s some great
scenery to look at, some effective bear POV shots, and it was probably bloody
enough for the time, but the attack scenes weren’t exactly staged the best (by
today’s standards, of course). Since it
came out in the Seventies, there was no CGI used and they did an okay job of
using real bears in addition to parts of practical ones (i.e. only seeing claws
or feet instead of the whole thing, which was a wise decision based on what I
say below). This indirect/in-name only
sequel was filmed in 1983, but allegedly wasn’t released until recently (other
titles besides Revenge were The Predator and The Concert). I wonder why
since it probably would’ve sucked just as much back then. There were times I thought I was watching a
nature documentary (whose scenes were likely filmed recently) and other times I
thought I was watching a concert film (whose scenes were likely cribbed from
actual footage, and hence one of the alternate titles). A man is shown shooting a bear cub during one
of the “nature documentary” scenes in the beginning and mama bear (footage of a
real bear) growls in response, thus causing her (not the real bear) to attack
any human she comes in contact with (hence the ultimate title). Now, about that bear that isn’t the real one
we saw in the beginning---if you think the bear attacks and the way they were
staged in the first one weren’t the greatest, let me just say you won’t be
complaining about how they were shot after seeing this one; Grizzly is a masterpiece next to this
garbage of a sequel. I know I shouldn’t
complain about practical effects being used, given how much I loathe CGI, but,
come on, the bear used here wasn’t even minimally convincing (hell, the shark
used in Jaws obviously wasn’t a real
shark, but it worked and is still one of the best cinematic sharks to this day!). Not even three famous faces in the beginning
(who don’t last long) or Louise Fletcher (most recognizable as Nurse Ratched in
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and
the unloving grandmother in Flowers in
the Attic), who plays a woman concerned more about profit (that
aforementioned concert) than people supposedly being killed by a bear in the
woods (common trait for such films), could save this unnecessary sequel that
should’ve stayed unreleased. If I
haven’t made myself clear, I hated this movie!
1/13/2021
Growing Up with I Spit
on Your Grave G
I Spit on Your Grave. That controversial and divisive film from
1978 directed by Meir Zarchi. I,
personally, think it’s a feminist film, but that’s where the divisive
description comes in since others feel it is misogynistic and
exploitative. It is a very disturbing
film dealing with reprehensible subject matter, but it’s one of those
disturbing films I’ve visited several times.
You can read my review for the original film, the remake (which was
actually decent), and both sequels to the remake here (https://vampireclown82-2.blogspot.com/2017/09/i-spit-on-my-blog.html),
as well as the sequel to the original, Dรฉjร
Vu, in the archives (www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). This documentary on the original film is
helmed by the director’s son, Terry Zarchi, who made an appearance as the young
kid at the gas station in the film. Everything
from the film’s inspiration and how scenes were filmed are discussed via
talking heads, including Meir, the star Camille Keaton, and two of the film’s
villains (the other two are M.I.A. and it’s briefly explained why). Also included are viewpoints from its
detractors and admirers, such as the late film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert
who became famous for panning the film deeply (which also brought it more
attention) and a girl that was raped herself shortly before watching it and
ended up connecting with it. I don’t
think anyone that isn’t mildly a fan of the film in question will have any
interest in this documentary. I suggest
you at least watch the original film (if you haven’t already) before checking
this out though, but I think many can agree with me in saying it’s not exactly
a film you watch for fun and isn’t for everybody…11/18/2020
The Grudge B
What the frig is it with movies being remade more than once
now? First there was Black Christmas at the end of last year
and now it’s this franchise! I was a fan
of the original Japanese version, Ju-On
(although it has been a while since I last watched it), and the first American
remake in 2004 (also called The Grudge)
wasn’t that bad in my opinion (both versions directed by Takashi Shimizu). If you thought that first remake was corny, which many people did (whether they saw Ju-On or not and many didn’t), I have
some news for you! I don’t remember
being a fan of the first remake’s sequels, The
Grudge 2 and 3, but I doubt they
were as bad as this. I hated, hated,
hated this movie. A bit of R-rated
violence couldn’t save this completely uninspired dreck containing shitty
special effects and annoying jump scares, foreseeable at that. Bottom line, don’t watch this! Worst movie of the year as well as most
unnecessary remake thus far! 3/30/2020
Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities
Anthology series available on Netflix wherein 2 episodes were released over 4 days (the first instance I’m aware of a show not all available the first day on the channel; you can binge them all now), all but two roughly an hour. Guillermo del Toro just created it and introduces each of the 8 episodes (he only wrote 2 of them) directed by different filmmakers (they being Guillermo Navarro, Vincenzo Natali---Cube, Splice, In the Tall Grass, David Prior---The Empty Man, Ana Lily Amirpour---A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night, Keith Thomas---The Vigil, Firestarter remake, Catherine Hardwicke---Thirteen, Twilight, Panos Cosmatos---Mandy, and Jennifer Kent---The Babadook). It generally wasn’t a bad series, definitely not grand, each episode giving a feel for the characters and the environment they live in before ending up in horrifically bizarre, often Lovecraftian, territory (ironically only 2 segments are based on Lovecraft’s work). The foreboding “Lot 36” involves a man winning the titular storage unit after a bid, said storage unit containing more than meets the eye. “Graveyard Rats” is about a graverobber that comes across bigger problems (literally) than rats in the graves he robs; contains a Tales from the Crypt-like comeuppance. “The Autopsy” ends up being very strange about a parasitic alien, but it is tied up rather cleverly. “The Outside” is very strange, occurring around Christmas, and depicts a woman deemed unattractive developing a rather unorthodox relationship with this lotion promising to make her “attractive.” Although truly outlandish, it was definitely compelling (I was reminded of The Tommyknockers at one time although it’s not like that film at all). “Pickman’s Model” was a slow burn before culminating quite brutally. “Dreams in the Witch House” was also part of the Masters of Horror series, directed by Stuart Gordon; I think I liked that version better, but this one, which was quite different with some similarities, was fine too. “The Viewing” was probably my least favorite, being very slow about a group of people summoned to a gathering wherein the eventual introduction of an obelisk leads to deadly consequences (I wasn’t a fan of the creature effects either). Lastly, “The Murmuring” is a gothic-lite ghost story with tons of atmosphere that finishes a bit too upbeat (and bland) as many ghost stories often tend to (“Rick” from The Walking Dead stars). Most of these tales probably looked better on paper which is likely what made most of them intriguing on a script level. The majority of creature designs, obviously CGI (boo!), weren’t terrible, but I was never the biggest fan of most otherworldly beings influenced by Lovecraft/Giger/etc. I will tune in if another season is created, yes, since I love horror anthologies. Well, at least I look forward to them…10/28/2022
Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio OK/G
Two Pinocchio movies in one year?! [You can check out my review for the other one released on Disney+ in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/09/snapperamerican-horror-stories-season-2.html]. According to research, there are at least 17 Pinocchio films (Pinocchio’s Revenge not being one that came up), and that’s not including TV variations. No, I haven’t seen them all, not even close, the original 1940 Disney film never being one of my favorites from the company. I was actually looking forward to this stop-motion Netflix release a bit since Guillermo del Toro was involved, he having style (often more than substance). There definitely is style, the style itself being its primary redeeming quality. Don’t get me wrong, if this was live-action, or even a different kind of animation, this likely would’ve been just another unnecessary update (there are only so many ways you can tell the same story). Many of the familiar elements are here, but some stuff was omitted and some stuff was added---something I sort of admired about it. Being that it’s roughly two hours, I got a bit impatient with it. I didn’t expect there to be songs in this version either, but there weren’t too many. Unique execution on the oft-adapted tale, that might get better with viewings, but I don’t think we need any more features involving the titular wooden puppet. 12/12/2022
H
Hail to the Deadites OK/G
The Evil Dead. I am a fan of the franchise; specifically the first two films. I don’t dislike Army of Darkness, but it’s not particularly a favorite (too spoofy at times). As for the TV series, Ash vs. Evil Dead? I liked the first season, half of the second season, and the third season was fine, but it overstayed its welcome by then (glad it ended when it did). As for the remake? I wasn’t crazy about it at first, but admittedly grew to appreciate it more on repeat viewings (I will always prefer the OG though). I didn’t see The Evil Dead until my late teens, but I instantly fell in love with it (despite some of its flaws, yes), enough to buy the DVD right away (that was around the time I first started buying DVD’s instead of VHS; yes, there were still some of those in stores). I also wasn’t too big a fan of Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn when I first saw it since some of the slapstick was a bit much for my tastes, but I kept returning to it and grew quite fond of its manic good time. I love both films, differently, they being different beasts. Aside from owning all three movies (yes, I do own a VHS copy of Army of Darkness that I likely got cheap or used, but never felt the need to upgrade), I have two Evil Dead shirts (one was a gift), two posters (one for both movies, the Evil Dead 2 one signed by Bruce Campbell), an Ash figurine (that was a gift), a throw blanket, books, and comics, so I guess you can say I’m a fan of The Evil Dead. Now, why would you care about my particular fandom? The same reason why anyone would particularly care for this documentary focusing on fans of the franchise (it features fans at conventions as well as some of the performers/crew members on these films). Why indeed would someone care about other people professing their love for something whether you agreed with them or not? Well, the same way I enjoy discussing films and other interests with people in person, I do enjoy hearing others discuss those same topics. I am one of these people (although many fans definitely put me to shame; I may be a movie nerd, horror specifically, but not nearly as much as some people out there!). [I got to meet the entire cast of the original Evil Dead at my first horror convention almost 20 years ago (nice people, even Bruce Campbell whom I’ve heard negative things about from some)]. I was generally intrigued with this documentary, despite not really entailing much, but did feel that it ended too soon (it was barely even 80-minutes), which is why I didn’t give it a strictly G rating (or perhaps I should have since it went by quickly and didn’t overstay its welcome…I don’t know). Don’t like The Evil Dead? Never seen The Evil Dead or any films in the franchise? Never heard of The Evil Dead? If you answered yes to any of the three, this doc may not be for you. 12/14/2021
Halloween Ends OK
[SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW]
This may be the “end” of David Gordon Green’s trilogy on the franchise (currently streaming on Peacock in addition to theaters), but I don’t think we’ll ever see the end of the fictional Michael Myers. Like the majority of cinematic villains, he can seemingly never die no matter how someone tries to obliterate him. Writers will always find a way to bring him back. The way he’s destroyed in this film (I won’t reveal how) is absolutely impossible to return from, at least in physical form. Anyway, I really thought this entry was going to be a different take than what we’re used to and what was expected, kind of like Halloween III: Season of the Witch was to the original franchise, or like Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning was (sort of) to that franchise, which I would’ve kind of been okay with considering there isn’t much to expect from these films anymore (let alone the subgenre), but it is a Halloween film wherein Michael Myers is largely absent. I actually may have liked it better had the main killer here, affected by a life-ruining accident, been influenced (or “possessed”) by Michael and Michael not appearing at all (at least physically). Part of me kind of wished that was how it would end up, but that likely would’ve been even more polarizing for the fans (a description already proposed by a critic). I didn’t hate this film; there are good characterizations, as Stephen King said it was character driven, and, like I said, I liked how something different was attempted (I kind of credit it for sidestepping expectations), but it ultimately isn’t that great of a film on its own. Horror fans and/or those that saw the preceding two entries---my review of Halloween is in here (https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/10/mooby-reviews-102818.html) and my review of Halloween Kills is here (https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/10/halloween-killsslumber-party-massacre.html)---are obviously going to watch this and it will likely be polarizing (as mentioned), but you never know how you feel until you check it out for yourself, no? 10/16/2022
Halloween Kills OK
For those unaware, the preceding 2018 film was intended to
be a direct sequel to John Carpenter’s 1978 original, meaning none of the
sequels to that film exist in this universe.
As for the two Rob Zombie-helmed films?
They exist entirely in their
own cinematic universe. Therefore, this
film would technically be the third entry if you ignore all the original
sequels (ironically, the masks from the original third film in the franchise
sans Michael Myers, Season of the Witch,
make an appearance here). I wasn’t
really a fan of the last Halloween
film (you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/10/mooby-reviews-102818.html),
but I was willing to give this sequel a chance, as I do all films, especially
since Michael Myers is one of my favorite fictional villains, and curiosity
always gets the better of me. Part of me
did admire this film, but the other part of me, my ultimate assessment, is that
it is an average slasher at best. I
didn’t hate it, and I liked it a bit better than its predecessor, but, as
another critic generally put it, “it doesn’t make it a worthy heir to the
Michael Myers legacy despite how many kills are in it.” And seriously, in 2021 people are still
asking if someone is there in horror movies?
And the driver (the means of escape) in a car full of people is going to
exit said car, leaving everyone else unattended while investigating
something? These kinds of instances make
you, the viewer, yell mentally or verbally at how idiotic their decisions
are. And I don’t think I’d be spoiling
anything by saying Michael Myers isn’t defeated this go-around, not only
because anyone even remotely familiar with the cinematic boogeyman knows he’s
basically invincible, but because another sequel (Halloween Ends) is already confirmed to be released next year. I’m obviously going to watch Halloween Ends and maybe that will be
the best one of these entries helmed by David Gordon Green. Whatever.
I’ll believe it when I see it…10/19/2021
Halloween Party EH/OK
I wanted something new and Halloween-related to watch around
this time of year, so I chose this. Stop
me if you’ve heard something similar before---A message randomly appears on
screen with your name and asks what your fear is; it has to be a real fear, not
made up, and your real fear will kill you if you don’t answer within the time
limit. Sounds like a very
run-of-the-mill film you’ve seen at least once (likely more) before, no? It does start that way at first before
becoming somewhat of a police procedural wherein two college students are the
“police” after learning the film’s title has more than one meaning. I was kind of hoping for a film involving
more of a literal Halloween party. The film
does look great, I grew quite fond of the main characters, and it does attempt
to go for scares towards the end, but it ultimately ends up being just another
run-of-the-mill horror film. I suggest
you look elsewhere to get in the Halloween spirit. 10/25/2020
Happy Death Day 2U OK/G
The first one was basically Groundhog Day as a slasher film, and while this sequel does contain
aspects of that Bill Murray vehicle as well, this time it’s more like The Butterfly Effect as a slasher
film. You do have to watch Happy Death Day first since everything
is reiterated here, and it might not hurt to rewatch it beforehand depending on
when you saw it last. I thought the
first one was fairly decent (check out my review for it in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com)
and was actually a bit better when I watched it the second time. You do get an explanation for the time loop
in this one, something I always wish would be directly answered in many of
these Groundhog Day-type movies. I did enjoy this for about two-thirds of the
way before it became a bit too sentimental for me and ended too soon. I did read that a third one is already
planned, so perhaps that’s why it felt like part of a larger story. I also read there was a scene after the
credits, even though I always wait until the end of the credits (or
fast-forward if watching at home) ever since Napoleon Dynamite, so wait until after the credits (or fast-forward
if at home), or at least halfway through them.
It appears a threequel, based on what was hinted in that mid-credits
sequence, might be even more repetitive than these two have been, but I’m still
curious to see how it’ll be pulled off in this (as yet) passable slasher series
with a sci-fi bent and a probable iconic killer in “Babyface.” 2/14/2019
Happy Halloween,
Scooby-Doo! OK/G
I do love Halloween, both the season and when featured in
visual entertainment, and I do like Scooby-Doo,
both the animated films and animated shows, even though I haven’t seen anywhere
near all of them, but I’ll catch up one day, maybe (I recently saw Camp Scare and have the Loch Ness Monster one coming in the mail,
as of this writing). This feature-length
animated film obviously takes place on the holiday and is being released just
in time for the season. It features evil
pumpkins, Elvira, Bill Nye, and mentions characters/locations from the Batman universe (talk about crossovers!). It’s diverting at the very least, like most
of the animated Scooby films and the
average television episode, but it does overstay its welcome a bit (also like
many of the animated films), even at barely 80-minutes. I did love those evil pumpkins though. If you happen to watch this via DVD, there are
3 bonus Halloween episodes from 3 different Scooby
shows. ‘Tis the season! I still think the best animated film in this
universe is Zombie Island (and that
doesn’t include the unnecessary sequel!).
9/22/2020
The Harbinger G
I am a fan of director Andy Mitton’s The Witch in the Window (you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/05/the-witch-in-window.html). I gave his other film, We Go On, an OK/G rating, and YellowBrickRoad (which he co-directed) 2 ½ stars out of 4 when I used to give star ratings (Looks like I gave them decent ratings, but I think I might need to revisit those films). Therefore, I was looking forward to this new movie directed by him, especially after seeing it featured in the last issue of Rue Morgue. It involves a woman reluctantly going to visit an old college roommate during the pandemic due to distressing nightmares she’s been having. Eventually she begins to have nightmares too, ones containing the titular demon resembling a Plague Doctor, whom has a rather eerie agenda. I think the paranoia and precaution dealt with during the beginnings of the pandemic were depicted really well, likely rivaling many of our own experiences. Imagine enduring unsettling nightmares on top of that. The themes may feel familiar, but there’s a generally disquieting air to the majority of screen-time. I do get annoyed when you can’t tell if what you’re watching is real or imagined, and sometimes it did vex me here, but never in any major way (I think Andy made it work). I also thought it was too short; some films overstay their welcome, while this one’s welcome didn’t stay enough. The pros definitely outweigh the cons though, and Mr. Mitton is clearly a filmmaker I’ll keep an eye on. 1/1/2023
Haunt OK/G
Extreme haunted houses.
What a concept. A group of people
go to one of these very places, sign liability papers before entering, and
eventually learn they appear to be in very real danger. You might be reminded of The Houses October Built and its sequel among other things, but
this movie and those have their differences.
Haunted houses are fun, at least they’re supposed to be, and
(appropriately) tend to be the most enjoyable around the Halloween season (as
many of these attractions are ran). This
movie was fun (for the most part; violent at times too) and there’s a clever
twist (sort of) a little after midway that I didn’t see coming, but I wish we
could’ve learned a bit more. [POTENTIAL
SPOILERS AHEAD] Who exactly were the
ones running this haunted house? Where
were they from? What was their ultimate
motive? I also (personally) think it
would’ve been better (situationally) if good didn’t prevail over evil as
generally expected in horror movies. 11/20/2019
House Shark OK
Forget fearing sharks in the water. Now they can attack you in your home! What will they think of next for those toothy
aquatic predators? There hasn’t been a
clown shark yet. At least that I’ve
seen. This film does contain stock
characters as well as several parodic moments (unfunny at that), but I don’t
think you’re supposed to take a movie called House Shark or any of these types of films seriously. So was it entertaining? Kind of.
Sometimes. Enough. I don’t know.
Did it need to be 112 minutes?
Nope, nope, nope! You do get to
see the shark and to call it corny would be an understatement, but it is practical
(a huge plus for me) and seems to be part of the film’s overall eccentric
charm. Other plusses include good use of
color when showing the shark’s POV and some clever homages to Jaws, particularly in regards to the
first death in Spielberg’s blockbuster.
There is gore too, for those that may care. [If there happens to be a chance you haven’t
seen Jaws, I suggest you do
beforehand in order to get the references, and if you haven’t, I don’t know what kind of sheltered existence
you’ve been living in, or what the hell you’ve been waiting for!]. 4/2/2020
The House That Jack Built VG
The Haunting of Bly
Manor (Season One) G
This new Netflix series loosely based on the novel, The
Turn of the Screw, by Henry James (which I haven’t read) is 9 episodes with
the longest being 65 minutes and the shortest being 45. I did see the filmed adaptation, The Innocents, but barely remember
anything, and the other recent adaptation, The
Turning, is one of the worst movies I’ve seen this year. This series bears no real connection to The Haunting of Hill House series also
released on Netflix two years ago, other than Mike Flanagan’s name being
attached (he created this and wrote/directed the first episode) and a few
familiar faces returning as different characters. It seems there are plans of making this an
anthology series much like American
Horror Story wherein a story will be loosely adapted into a Haunting series with some of the same
performers returning each season. Reading
beforehand that this wasn’t connected to Hill
House was the sole reason I even bothered with it. I didn’t dislike Hill House, but I wasn’t too much a fan of the horror juxtaposing
with the drama, the drama seeming to take center stage more often, and felt it
ended much too sappily (you can read my review for it in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). I did like this series better and part of it
could be that I went in expecting more of a gothic romance (which I read on the
website provided below) instead of a straight-up horror show. It does
contain a romance, more than one, and the series is definitely gothic. It is also a ghost story and gothic ghost
stories don’t need to be scary to be effective, as proven here. It isn’t always the most fast-paced, as many
gothic ghost stories aren’t, but I was enamored enough from start to finish to
want to continue. It does get a bit
weird halfway through, but in the sense it spices things up a bit (kind of reminding
me of a season from that aforementioned anthology series), and everything is
explained as best as it can be by the end.
The ending this time is more depressing, but effectively as opposed to
how sappily (or at least too positively) it could’ve ended. 10/13/2020
***Here’s a website you should check out before watching, even though you don’t necessarily have to: https://screenrant.com/netflix-haunting-bly-manor-trivia/ ***
Hellraiser EH
I was never the biggest fan of the original. I did watch it a couple times when I was younger, I’ll admit, and I did meet the original Pinhead, Doug Bradley, more than once (while expressionless, he’s a pretty chill dude). I actually thought parts of it were, dare I say, gross (yes, I do get sickened by some gore). There are ten films other than this one and I believe I’ve only seen up to part three (that’s how much I care about the franchise). This Hulu update may contain some of the same concepts as the original, but it is a quite different film (Pinhead played by a woman has nothing to do with it either; the character here is pretty androgynous anyway). It was worse though, as remakes/re-imaginings often are. Even though it was 2-hours, it hardly felt like there was much substance to it (it seemed like it could’ve lead somewhere compelling in the beginning too). It may not be as gory as the original, but it definitely has its moments (I wasn’t a fan of the gore here either; not so much on a repulsed level, more on an ‘I wasn’t impressed’ level). I just wasn’t a fan. Again, it was never one of my favorite franchises to begin with. 10/7/2022
He’s All That EH
I re-watched She’s All
That before watching this remake available on Netflix. I remember when She’s All That just came out.
I mean, it was only 22 years ago (!) and I was nearing the end of high
school. Now, She’s All That isn’t even (ahem) all that in regards to teen
movies, as well as movies in general (now and from when I first remember
watching it; the Nineties was arguably the last decade for fun, or at least
memorable, teen movies though). This remake
obviously switches genders and makes me wonder if another remake made 22 years
from now would be called They’re All That,
featuring a trans character, even though that would’ve arguably been more
modern now. Anyway, this is the same
movie with different performers (I counted at least two cameos from stars of
the original; I think there was a brief nod to Pretty in Pink too). I mean,
sure, besides the obvious difference being that popular girls instead of guys making a bet one can transform an unpopular boy instead of a girl into prom king instead of queen, there are some
differences---cell phones weren’t big back in the Millennium era like they are
now, not everyone is heterosexual now (or at least they’re more open about it),
and there are horses in this one (I don’t remember any of those in the first
one). Oh, and the cost of losing the bet
is different here too. Since I wasn’t
too big a fan of She’s All That, I
wasn’t exactly a fan of this one either (this one felt a bit sappier too). Normally the biggest argument against remakes
is that the original didn’t need improving, so perhaps improvement could’ve
worked here considering the first one wasn’t that great, but there really isn’t
much to the story to change other than the obvious ones (i.e. the
gender-switch). Normally I would tell
modern audiences to check out the original film over its remake, or at least
first, but I’m not too fond of either version here. If anything, I would just say to check out She’s All That to appreciate the era it
came from, but, even then, there are better teen movies to check out from that
decade and in general. 9/9/2021
High School (Season One)
Tegan and Sara, if you didn’t know, are a Canadian pop duo that are twin sisters, and also both lesbians. I am a fan of some of their music; they gots some catchy tunes. This Freevee series is based on a memoir of the same name by them, created by Clea DuVall, a lesbian actress from films such as The Faculty, Identity, and But I’m a Cheerleader (she wrote and directed some of the episodes here). It’s a coming-of-age series following the twin sisters as they begin high school and navigate the typical teen waters as they learn who they are. Each episode focuses on more than one character, not just them (friends, parents, etc. are also featured). I generally enjoyed these 8 episodes that go by quickly (all under 30-minutes; more shows need to be that way), and I’m not sure if it’s partly because I’m aware of the people it’s based on, or the nostalgia it evoked since I too was a teenager in the Nineties (even though it took place in Canada, much of it felt familiar---a time before cell phones and excessive Internet usage). The story obviously isn’t over and I actually hope it’s not over! 10/28/2022
Hocus Pocus 2 OK
I saw the first film in the theater back when it came out in 1993, and while I definitely don’t dislike it, I think it is highly overrated. Don’t get me wrong, I do still watch it occasionally, partially for nostalgia, and for being one of those semi-fun family-friendly films containing horror elements. I believe many can agree with me how annoying the witches are at times. While I didn’t hate this sequel released 29 years later, currently available on Disney+, as much as I thought I would, it still very much felt like a sequel. In other words, it’s obviously a cash grab for the many fans it seems to have and doesn’t seem to contain nearly as much substance as its predecessor did. The musical numbers (very few thankfully), while corny, weren’t as cringe-worthy as they initially appeared to be (I guess), and some may say the ending is a bit poignant (I guess). I haven’t heard too many fans of the first one complain yet, and those are who this sequel will truly be for anyway. 10/1/2022
Home Alone: The Holiday Heist OK/G
Home Alone 5. I knew not of a fifth entry until someone received
the box set at a Christmas party a couple years ago. It came out at the end of 2012 and how did I
not hear about it? There was no sixth
film released yet (I did make sure), but there is one that will eventually be
released on Disney+. They have starred
different characters/performers each time since part 3, which was still a
decent entry, and I don’t remember much about part 4, so it couldn’t have been
that worthy (although a re-watch may be in the near future as my box set contains 1-4). This entry wasn’t as good as Home Alone 1 and 2, nor did I expect it
to be (as I did parts 3 and 4), but it was actually better than I thought it
would be. There were a few times I
laughed out loud, there were some mildly passable homages to the first film,
and there were some slightly clever ways of associating the robbers (one played
by Malcolm McDowell) with ghosts. Decent
enough to get in the holiday spirit. 11/25/2020
Home Before Dark (Season
One) G
I took a chance on this Apple+ series involving a 9-year-old
journalist named Hilde (based on a real person) that moves with her family from
New York to a small town in Washington state.
There, she begins an investigation involving a recent murder of a local
woman, in addition to a case involving a kidnapping 30-years ago (the victim
being her dad’s friend). I couldn’t
believe how addicting this mystery/drama was, it being 10 episodes ranging from
41-to-57-minutes, enough to make me want to keep going without feeling forced
(always a plus); the characterizations are solid. The story isn’t quite over at the end of this
season, although the majority of your questions will be answered, but I’m
actually glad it’s continuing (another plus) because I grew quite fond of this
small Pacific Northwest town and all its inhabitants. Season 2 is currently airing weekly, which
sucks because I’m going to catch up before new episodes are released (this season
apparently all aired at once!), but I’m going to keep watching until it becomes
less addicting (which I hope doesn’t happen).
7/7/2021
Home Sweet Home Alone
Recently-released remake of the 1990 holiday classic available on Disney+. Technically parts 3, 4 and 5 were remakes too since they all featured different performers, and this could arguably be a sequel to Home Alone 2 since a character from the first two films makes an appearance and references those two films. Whatever, this is a modern version with different performers and contains the same parameters as the other films---a young kid is left home alone (during the holiday season), people try breaking into his house, and he sets up booby traps for them. The two people breaking in aren’t burglars, just down-on-their-luck folks that need to retrieve an item they believe was stolen by the young boy during an open house, said item worth enough to pay for their house they can’t currently afford. Was this remake unnecessary? Absolutely! It isn’t the worst film I’ve seen though and wasn’t a complete waste of time. I mean, there are some funny parts (not the fart scene; I don’t know why people still think farts are funny; plus it was predictable) and I was curious to see the traps concocted (which were silly but somewhat fun, like usual). I have a feeling the majority of people that’ll check it out will be out of curiosity, especially those of us that remember when the original film was released (I can’t believe it’s been over 30 years!). Please, if you have kids though and they haven’t been introduced to the franchise yet, do not let this be the first one they watch, especially since the original, plus parts 2 and 3, are available on the same channel! One character even made a comment about remakes never being as good as the originals. Hmm…11/14/2021
Honeydew OK/G
A couple is driving in a rural area, they camp out on
private property (as they’re eventually told), their car conveniently doesn’t
work, so off they walk until they come across a house with a seemingly
welcoming old lady. If you’ve seen
movies, horror specifically, I’m sure you can guess their peaceful stay eventually
won’t end up being so peaceful. The film
was shot in Massachusetts, but I’m not sure if it actually took place there; I
don’t recall any indication of where it took place, but I would’ve never
guessed New England; I would’ve guessed a southern or Midwestern state (I guess
I shouldn’t go by what the media portrays).
I can see comparisons made to The
Texas Chainsaw Massacre the most, and there’s a touch of David Lynch,
although it’s not too surreal, but it’s definitely twisted as these movies tend
to be. It may feel clichรฉd, and there’s
no denying it is at times (what really isn’t these days though?), but it does
manage to play around with some of its conventions and I was generally curious
as to how everything would all pan out, making this one of the better “people
stumble onto the wrong property in a rural area” films that try imitating the
aforementioned legendary Tobe Hooper feature.
4/17/2021
Host OK
This recent
Shudder exclusive is certainly relevant for these Covid-19 times,
somewhat. A group of people decide to
conduct a sรฉance via a Zoom call (I never even heard of Zoom until this
pandemic) and are even warned beforehand that it's not the safest route to go
about it (won't they ever learn in movies?).
One of them accidentally summons a demon and let's just say that things
don't go so well for all involved thereafter (as is usually the case). Beforehand, I read somewhere online that this
was Unfriended meets Paranormal Activity (or something along
those lines), and that's pretty much what it is, complete with a jump scare at
the very end much like the latter, meaning it's not so original. It also felt longer than it should've been
even at only 56-minutes. You could do
worse though, I guess, but you can also do better in roughly an hour. 7/31/2020
The House (A Hulu Halloween Anthology) OK/G
As the subtitle states, this was an anthology series
exclusive to Hulu released in 2017 around Halloween. There are 6 segments totaling roughly 32
minutes, the longest ones being 7 minutes (3 are that length), the shortest
being just 2 minutes. “The Projectionist”
involves a movie theater that does more than just show the same movie. “Unexplained Phenomena, Part 1” comes off as
a “true story” show providing us with an instance of a journalist in a haunted
house; you’ll recognize a face from the original Pet Sematary (“Unexplained Phenomena, Part 2” is in the
extras). “Let Us In” revolves around
home invaders getting more than they bargained for (hint---it’s not by the
hands of other people). “The Tree” is a
brief animated sequence that is darkly poetic, while “Origins” is even shorter,
depicting a photographic montage of what you’ve seen in the previous episodes
as well as some famous haunted houses in cinematic history. The episode in between those two, “Seven
Moons,” was a futuristic tale (set at the end of the 25th century)
featuring a creature which, when revealed at the end, ties in with the rest of
the series. All in all, wasn’t a bad
series for all the episodes being really short and you could do worse;
“Unexplained Phenomena, Part 1” and “Origins” were my least faves, although I
do recommend watching “Part 2” of the former in the extras to make the segment
feel more whole and a little less average on its own. 2/27/2021
House of Purgatory OK/G
Somehow this film from 2016 bypassed my radar. It’s not available on Netflix and it couldn’t
have been available at Redbox because I likely would’ve at least used a free
code to rent it, even if it sounded like a run-of-the-mill direct-to-video
title (which this one does). I came
across it after seeing a post on a page I follow on social media, as is often
the case for titles I’m unaware of, and saw that it was available on Tubi
(meaning free), so viewing it I did. In
it, a small group of people on Halloween decide to drive to a haunted house
that promises money for each level completed.
There’s certainly something shady about this place, as is often the case
in these movies. For one, they seem to
be the only car at the place on Halloween night (uh-huh) and the admission is
free since it’s Halloween night (uh-huh). Once inside, the deepest secrets are revealed
to each person and none of them are original at all, but this movie somehow
managed to keep my attention during its barely 75-minute runtime. Not a great film by any measure, but I sure
enjoyed it more than many other films that didn’t bypass my radar! 1/4/2021
House Shark OK
The House That Jack Built VG
Most recent film from Danish filmmaker, Lars von Trier (Dogville, Antichrist, Melancholia),
in which Matt Dillon plays a serial killer (Jack) and we’re shown five “incidents”
of his killings. It may sound like a
simple premise and I initially thought it wouldn’t be able to sustain watchability
given it’s 2 ½ hours, but I actually enjoyed it and wasn’t bored once. Of course “enjoy” may be a highly subjective
as well as contentious term to describe such a picture most sane people
wouldn’t label “enjoyable,” but I guess it comes down to that already argued
notion that films are different than reality and us fans (the majority of us)
are sensible enough to know the difference (Alfred Hitchcock once said
something along the lines of cinema being voyeuristic and we, the viewers, are
the voyeurs). So, I guess it was
enjoyable in the same way other films like Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, I Spit on Your Grave (both versions), The Last House on the Left (both
versions), Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox (a.k.a. Make Them Die Slowly), The Devil’s Rejects, and others I felt
were “enjoyable.” I can see this film
being compared to American Psycho and
the aforementioned Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, although
it’s not as sardonic as the former and not as harrowing as the latter. This guy Jack is truly a psychopath, not
holding back from offing men, women, or children; there’s even one flashback
scene in which he does something to a small animal as a child that undeniably
made me wince a little. After the five
incidents, the film takes another somewhat dark turn, dark in the sense it made
this critic smile with glee. I was surprised
at how much I enjoyed this 151-minute film.
3/8/2020
The Hunt G
This film’s initial release date was pushed back because I
guess some people were offended by it whether they saw it or not. It does pretty much knock both sides of
modern America’s divisive political spectrum.
I personally don’t consider myself falling on either side of that spectrum,
although I’d probably agree more with the liberals than conservatives for
obvious reasons (if you know me well enough), but both groups have irritated me
(I hate politics in general even though I shouldn’t, blah, blah, blah, spare me
any lectures). For those that haven’t
heard anything about this film, a group of apparent conservatives wake up
gagged in a field and are provided weapons before those that don’t agree with
their ideals begin offing them. The
concept is very derivative---Battle
Royale, The Hunger Games, The Condemned, and a recent title called
The Furies are just some of the
titles that came to mind---but it was fun, not great; its comic bits never felt
out of place (especially for a theoretically ludicrous premise) and it doesn’t
shy away from delivering the gory goods.
3/22/2020
I Am Lisa OK
This is the first time I recall seeing a movie that’s both a
revenge film and a werewolf film. The
werewolf doesn’t look like the ones in The
Howling or Dog Soldiers, but more
of a crossbreed, a human with lycanthropic features (i.e. claws, fangs, and
inhuman eyes) and it is explained why. A
girl named (you guessed it…) Lisa returns to a small town after her grandmother
passes and leaves her a used bookstore.
After she’s attacked by some townsfolk (all but one are women, so
sisterhood doesn’t apply here feminists!) and taken to the woods, she’s bitten by
a creature (looking more like a regular wolf) and vows revenge against all her
attackers while in the midst of her transformation. Now, while this film does involve lycanthropy
of sorts, it is more of a revenge film, meaning a formulaic body count film
wherein none of the kills are particularly noteworthy. I feel like I’m being a bit lenient with my
rating, but I did grow quite fond of the Lisa character and wouldn’t mind
seeing her in a better movie. I truly
wish I liked this better given there aren’t too many werewolf films out there,
good ones at least, plus revenge films aren’t too distinctive on their own, so
this should’ve been perfect for a genre mash-up. Oh well…1/13/2021
If Anything Happens I
Love You G
(haiku review)
Animated short.
Images, no dialogue.
Potent 12-minutes. 11/21/2020
*[Currently available on Netflix]*
I Know What You Did Last Summer (Season One) B/EH
I finally got around to this eight-episode remake series available on Amazon Prime, and let me just say that’s roughly 6 ½ hours of my life I’ll never get back! For those of you that thought the first movie was lame (and many did upon its release back in 1997), it’s a masterpiece compared to this poop. The first movie was watchable in that “corny, I’m a teenager in the 90’s way” and I’ve seen it enough times to call myself somewhat of a fan; it definitely is corny though (I first read the book by Lois Duncan just a couple years ago and thought that was even lamer). I Still Know What You Did Last Summer was worse, but it was slightly watchable in that so-bad-its-watchable way. As for the third movie, I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer? Let’s not even go there. I honestly don’t know which was worse though, that or this series. A bunch of teenagers do take a ride at night and hit someone on the road (trying their best to cover it up), and then some of them as well as others gradually get offed the next summer, just like the first movie. There be no killer in a fisherman suit with a hook here though. This also takes place in Hawaii instead of a coastal North Carolina town like the first film (I personally don’t think tropical locations are the best for horror entertainment; the only example that comes to mind where it worked was Club Dread, that being a meta horror film; I wouldn’t exactly include I Still Know as an example of when it worked either, but it worked better than here). Being eight episodes that range from 45-to-58-minutes each, you can imagine there’s a lot of filler. Oh, there’s a whole lot of filler, unnecessary at that, with the occasional kill, some worthy, yes (examples being ones involving a tractor and slushee machine), but not nearly enough to make the rest of this series worth sitting through. I cared not about any of the characters as much as we got to know a good portion of them. This doesn’t even work as a teen series; the last time teen entertainment was truly done well was Mean Girls (17 years ago!). This was definitely a chore to get through. I was a bit under the weather when I binged it, so I had nothing better to do. Then again, all I do is watch movies and shows anyway, so being a little sick would never be an excuse to sit through something. I could’ve spent my time, sick or not, watching something a whole lot better. If I haven’t made it clear, I highly suggest you don’t waste your time with this series. Don’t say I didn’t warn you if you don’t take my advice. 12/30/2021
I’m Thinking of Ending
Things
Recently released Netflix film beginning with a young woman and her boyfriend traveling in a snowstorm to meet his parents. It’s fairly straightforward initially, despite the parents being kooky AF, and then it gets bizarre. Really bizarre. Charlie Kaufman, the writer of interestingly bizarre films like Being John Malkovich and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, wrote and directed this based on a book of the same name by Iain Reid. If you’re looking for a feel-good, straightforward “meet the parents” drama, it’s best if you don’t bother with this one. It is rather bleak, in addition to its mindfuckery. I was a bit impatient at times, it is over 2 hours and half the film takes place in a car with the two main characters, but part of me is recommending it solely on how unconventional it really is and not quite knowing where it would lead (I like movies like that). I have a feeling I’m going to need another viewing eventually, I think I’ll read the book by Mr. Reid first (I am interested in checking it out after this), and, because of that, I’m not giving it a rating just yet since I don’t feel like I got some sort of definitive conclusion. Although I might’ve taken away a few things, I read an article afterwards online (posted below) providing explanations wherein I never would’ve initially thought for some of them. I’m willing to hear anyone’s thoughts on this film. 9/13/2020
Recently released Netflix film beginning with a young woman and her boyfriend traveling in a snowstorm to meet his parents. It’s fairly straightforward initially, despite the parents being kooky AF, and then it gets bizarre. Really bizarre. Charlie Kaufman, the writer of interestingly bizarre films like Being John Malkovich and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, wrote and directed this based on a book of the same name by Iain Reid. If you’re looking for a feel-good, straightforward “meet the parents” drama, it’s best if you don’t bother with this one. It is rather bleak, in addition to its mindfuckery. I was a bit impatient at times, it is over 2 hours and half the film takes place in a car with the two main characters, but part of me is recommending it solely on how unconventional it really is and not quite knowing where it would lead (I like movies like that). I have a feeling I’m going to need another viewing eventually, I think I’ll read the book by Mr. Reid first (I am interested in checking it out after this), and, because of that, I’m not giving it a rating just yet since I don’t feel like I got some sort of definitive conclusion. Although I might’ve taken away a few things, I read an article afterwards online (posted below) providing explanations wherein I never would’ve initially thought for some of them. I’m willing to hear anyone’s thoughts on this film. 9/13/2020
Watch the movie
before reading this article:
[ https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/im-thinking-of-ending-things-ending-explained/?fbclid=IwAR23q4esaUU2f08kp1GUi6Wdw5Tklbtlzgk0GJV6PPbdEE5m3SxLDq69ozk ]
[ https://www.denofgeek.com/movies/im-thinking-of-ending-things-ending-explained/?fbclid=IwAR23q4esaUU2f08kp1GUi6Wdw5Tklbtlzgk0GJV6PPbdEE5m3SxLDq69ozk ]
Infinity Pool
I thought the title made it sound like another superhero movie upon first hearing of it before finding out it was a horror flick. Well, horror, thriller, sci-fi; whatever it is it clearly isn’t for everyone. It is helmed by Brandon Cronenberg, the son of the other Cronenberg, who also gave us Possessor and Antiviral (you can check out my review of Possessor here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/12/possessor.html; my thoughts on Antiviral are included which I only gave a B rating to back when it came out). I didn’t know much about this film other than it receiving lots of positive reviews and involved a vacation gone wrong. ‘Vacation gone wrong’ is a pretty accurate description, but don’t make any generalized assumptions. A couple (the dude played by Alexander Skarsgard) is vacationing in a foreign country (the name is mentioned more than once) wherein certain crimes may lead to execution. This country has more than one way of executing though. Things get trippy, bizarre, and depraved from there. [Mia Goth’s performance is probably equally as psychotic as her eponymous Pearl character]. It doesn’t really entail much when all is said and done, but I have a feeling I’m going to be revisiting sometime in the future. It’s certainly not forgettable…4/16/2023
Initiation OK
You would think this new slasher film is a typical college
movie initially; you know…parties, hazing, unconscious girls, past
accusations. It does take a bit for the
slasher aspect to take effect and there are large bouts of slasher-less activity. During the time it is a slasher movie, you
know exactly who is going to get it, just a matter of how and when; you
know…typical slasher stuff. I don’t know
what else you’d expect in terms of plot for a slasher movie. In true slasher fashion, you do actually get
to know the majority of characters, however deplorable they may be, and the
majority of kills are decent enough to label them somewhat worthy---you
actually get to see them happen as opposed to just seeing the killer’s dirty
work afterwards (meaning, yes, it is violent at times). I personally don’t care for the big reveal in
these films, I actually have to like it beforehand, but the person behind the
mask is no big surprise (you should be able to figure out their motive given
the victims). I didn’t feel completely
satisfied when it was over, even though there were no loose ends (although I
could see a sequel happening) and it was 90 minutes (give or take). Slasher fans may want to check this out, and
there’s no harm in doing so, but don’t expect anything special that you would
want to watch more than once. 7/21/2021
In Search of Darkness: A Journey Into Iconic
‘80s
Horror G
Ah, the Eighties. A
decade when effects were still practical.
A decade unappreciated until it was over. A decade that put out some of the best
movies, and not just horror. And, no,
I’m not a fan of all ‘80s horror
movies, nor have I seen every one, but I’ve seen many and I am a fan of many. I think the Seventies and Eighties were the
best decades for horror, and even the Nineties put out some iconic films. I’ll never get tired of talking about movies
(sometimes I enjoy talking about them more than actually watching them),
particularly horror, or reading about them, or hearing other people talk about
them, as in this almost 4 ½ hour documentary.
Yes, you did read that right, this is almost 4 ½ hours. I suggest watching it in segments, such as 90
minutes at a time, or however you see fit, because 4 ½ hours is a long time in
one sitting (even with the occasional bathroom break) regardless of how
interesting the subject matter is or how engaging the movie may be. Being that it’s subject matter I’m into, I
never felt like the film was too long, but I did watch it in segments, so who
knows if I could’ve sat through the entire thing with the occasional pee/poop
break (although I do wonder)? What they
did was discuss horror films from 1980 to 1989, picking a handful from each
year, while other topics were discussed in between, such as iconic scores, the
notion of the “final girl,” the holiday sub-subgenre, etc. I actually felt like they didn’t cover nearly
enough of the decade’s material, and, of course if they did, the film could’ve
easily been at least 30 hours. That
being said, I think they had a really good idea for a documentary here, but I
think an even better idea would’ve been to make a DVD collection (or series)
spending between 2 and 3 hours on each year in order to cover more films and
utilize more talking heads, because, I hate to say that even at 4 ½ hours, it
still felt a bit lacking. But, even
though it may not be the definitive documentary on the subject, I still enjoyed
it, as I always like hearing about films (as I’ve said), and I don’t see how
anyone else enamored with horror flicks from the Reagan era wouldn’t either. 8/4/2020
In Search of Darkness: Part II OK/G
Part deux of this Shudder exclusive documentary on
Eighties horror films (you can read my review for the first part here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/08/three-horror-documentaries.html). I’m just going to crib from that review since
the same synopsis applies here---What
they did was discuss horror films from 1980 to 1989, picking a handful from
each year, while other topics were discussed in between. They can probably make an endless amount of
these movies since another almost 4 ½ hour film obviously didn’t cover the
entire genre for each year during the “iconic” decade. That’s fine with me since part of the fun in
being a movie fanatic is discussing movies and/or hearing others discuss them
visually or in writing. [I would like
them to take the same concept and cover Seventies and Nineties horror as well]. Sometimes I don’t mind hearing movies I’m not
a fan of discussed to gain another perspective and just to hear other opinions;
film criticism is very subjective after all, and, like one of my past
professor’s once said (along these lines), “a film isn’t a classic just because
people say it is.” I should’ve put
‘sometimes’ in big, bold letters at the beginning of the previous sentence
because there were quite a bit of titles featured in this documentary I haven’t
seen (nor do I plan on seeing) or I’m not too keen on, more so than last time
it seemed (yes, as much as the Eighties put out good movies, the decade
probably put out an equal amount of shit, but, again, that’s a subjective
opinion). It makes me wonder how the
titles are picked to be featured for each year.
Even though it was 4 ½ hours though, and I did split my viewings into 2
segments, it seemed to go by rather quickly as I enjoy the topic of movies,
especially from a genre I’m obviously obsessed with (for those that know me
and/or read my reviews) and coming from a decade that put out some of the
best. I may not have liked it as much
this time, but I’m absolutely not dismissing it for those that enjoyed the
previous entry and are fellow fans of the subject matter. 4/28/2021In Search of Darkness: Part III OK/G
The third and allegedly final (as it’s labeled The Final Journey Into ‘80s Horror) film in this documentary trilogy covering Eighties horror. [You can read my review of the first film in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/08/three-horror-documentaries.html, and the second film in here--- https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/05/creepshow-season-2in-search-of-darkness.html]. I watched this in segments being that it’s roughly 340-minutes, and I’d like to meet someone that actually sat through the entire feature in one sitting without taking at least one break! I don’t see a need to explain what it entails (you can check out my other two reviews above for descriptions), but basically films are picked from each year in the 1980’s and discussed by celebrities, both esoteric and exoteric (there’s also about 20 minutes worth of everyday fans discussing their love of the decade and genre during the end credits). I’m just curious as to why and how the specific films were picked each time (Was there a voting process? Were titles picked out of a hat?). I have seen the majority of films picked all three times, but there have been some I haven’t (yeah, if you can believe it, I actually haven’t seen every single movie out there, nor do I desire to). It seems there were more titles this round I haven’t seen though, and the majority of them I don’t care to after seeing them discussed. Those were really the only times I was bored, but there were also instances my mind wandered when too much time was spent on films I have seen. Still, I like the format of this doc trilogy and wouldn’t mind ones covering 70’s and 90’s horror, as I mentioned in my review of Part II. Plus, it’s always fun conversing about movies, even if you watch other people do it. 2/6/2023
Insidious: The Red Door B/EH
This fifth film, both chronologically and release-wise, of the franchise was a cash grab and nothing more. It takes place nine years after the second-released film, Insidious: Chapter 2. In the beginning (nine years prior to the primary storyline), the father of this family (played by Patrick Wilson, who also directed this entry) and the one son, Dalton, are put through a session in order to repress their time in The Further. Dalton (played by Ty Simpkins) is in college now and an assignment requires him to dig into his subconscious which I don’t think needs telling that nothing good comes from that. This film adds absolutely nothing new to the franchise (hence the ‘cash grab’ comment). It wasn’t fun and the intended frightening parts were akin to cheap jump scares in that I knew something was coming and, when it did, was more irritating than spooky, thus ineffective. This is assuredly the top contender for most unnecessary sequel of the year. I could say I was more or less a fan of the series before too. According to my archives, I gave Insidious 3 ½ stars out of 4 (when I used to give star ratings; that was based on my first viewing too, because I definitely wouldn’t rate it that high after recently re-watching it), Insidious: Chapter 2 a G rating, Insidious 3 an OK rating (that was my least favorite entry before this), and you can read my review for Insidious: The Last Key in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/01/mooby-reviews-11318.html. This franchise has overstayed its welcome. I honestly would’ve been fine if they ended with Chapter 2. 11/8/2023
Interview with the Vampire (Season One) EH/OK
I’ll be honest; I don’t think I would’ve watched this adaptation (available on AMC) had it not been voted best TV series of 2022 in Rue Morgue Magazine. I may not always agree with them, as much as I love the publication, but they do always make me curious. I never read the source material, or anything by Anne Rice, for that matter, and the 1994 film starring Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise was never one of my favorites, but I don’t remember disliking it. The story likely remains intact---a vampire during the present recounts a time in the past (Louisiana, 1920s) when he was turned and lived with his “creator.” The characterizations are fine and there is violence, but this series is a slow burn; very, very slow, testing my patience a couple times (there are seven episodes all passing the 40-minute mark, the pilot being over an hour). Looks like I disagreed with one of my favorite magazines again, but you never know until you check something out yourself, right? There is a season two planned, but I don’t think I’ll continue; I gave this a shot. Plus, I’d likely need to re-watch this season again beforehand which I don’t intend to do (I know, I say that now, but…whatever). 1/11/2023
In the Tall Grass OK/G
An adapted film based on a short story by Stephen King
available on Netflix? I had to see
it. I never read the short story which
he co-authored with his son, Joe Hill, but that’s about to change since a
collection containing it (Full Throttle) recently became available at my
local library. Initially it was only
available in e-book format and I haven’t given in to the modern way of reading
as long as the print versions are still available (I’m old-fashioned that way),
or I wait until they are in cases like this.
Anyway, this adaptation was directed by the guy behind Cube and the same concept is very much
apparent here---a group of people are stuck somewhere (here, tall grass) with
no easy way out (initially). You’ll
likely be reminded of Children of the
Corn as well (at least I was), although there’s tall grass instead of corn
and no murderous kids. I originally
thought it was going to be lame with just a few characters stuck in this very
limited and confined setting (the action exits the tall grass for a bit, but
takes place in it roughly 80% of the time), but it does get a bit bizarre (we
are in King territory after all and the apple doesn’t stray too far from the
tree either). There are no direct
answers when all is said and done, but there is closure (sort of) and I took a
little something from it. I still think
there’s more to this world than what we were presented with though. Perhaps the short story will provide more
information? It may not be the greatest
King-based film I’ve seen, and there’s many fitting that list, but it’s still
decent enough to check out as I would imagine fans are apt to do anyway. 10/6/2019
I Spit on Your Grave: Dรฉjร Vu OK
This is a direct sequel to the original I Spit on Your Grave and has no connection to the remake or its two
sequels (you can read my reviews for the original film, the remake, and both sequels
in one of my other blogs at---https://vampireclown82-2.blogspot.com/2017/09/i-spit-on-my-blog.html). The director of the 1978 controversial cult
classic, Meir Zarchi, also directed this sequel, so I expected it to be a
little better than it was. For those
that haven’t seen the original I Spit on
Your Grave, basically a female writer temporarily leaves the city for the
countryside, is brutally raped/assaulted by four local men, and gets revenge on
all four after being left for dead. Said
female writer, played by Camille Keaton in both films, wrote a book about her
ordeal and now has a grown daughter. I’m
assuming since there’s a 40-year gap between the movies that the same amount of
time passed in the movie world, but I’m unsure because none of the characters
look old enough to be returning ones and one of the characters has a cell
phone. One character, claiming to be the
father of one of the victims in the first film, wouldn’t have looked old enough
to be the father if he was in the
first film. Camille certainly aged (it’s
been 40 years after all), but still doesn’t look bad for her age, and I don’t
think her daughter in the film is at least 40 (unless she also looks good for
her age). I guess I can overlook those
questionable timeline/continuity issues (somewhat) and judge the movie on its
primary merits…I guess. Keep in mind
that this is a 148-minute movie, which I thought was a typo initially, but it
actually didn’t seem like it despite not needing to be that long. And as much as I dislike both remakes and
sequels (for the most part), I think I prefer sequels and like how this was one
despite the four decade difference. Anyway,
relatives of the aforementioned victims from the first film abduct Camille’s
character and her daughter because now they want revenge. I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying
something happens to both of them and the daughter then goes after the
attackers one by one. If this was about
an hour shorter, it could’ve very well been a remake as it sure felt like one
when she was seeking vengeance like her mother did in the first film (hence the
Dรฉjร Vu in the title). One scene even tries to replicate the bathtub
castration in a different location (not much for subtlety). It’s pretty much the same movie, only longer,
not as disturbing (the scene in Irreversible
is the only time I’ve seen something come close to rivaling the brutal
depictions of the first film), and tonally different (generally). The rednecks may also be vile here, albeit not
necessarily as creepy as the original group, going back to my ‘tonally different’
comment, just more irritating (almost making this sequel feel like a joke at
times). There is still violence for
those wondering and those expecting it, and I feel I’m being a bit too lenient
with my rating, but I rated it so for fans of the first that’ll likely just be curious
(or have OCD like me in regards to watching movies), even though it may be an
unnecessary sequel that’s not as gritty (or disturbingly compelling) as its
predecessor and likely a “watch once and never again” film. 12/17/2019
It: Chapter Two EH/OK
Into the Dark: Crawlers G
Into the Dark is a
Hulu anthology series wherein one episode is released monthly and they all take
place during a holiday coinciding with that month’s release. Even “holidays” like International Women’s
Day (“Treehouse”) and Father-Daughter Day (“Pure”) are represented. It’s more of a franchise than a series since
all the episodes are feature-length.
I’ll admit I was a bit disappointed with the series as a whole, my primary
criticism being their lengths as I didn’t feel many needed to be feature-length,
and also that many just happened to take place around a holiday and could’ve taken
place any time of the year. That being
said, I do think this series would’ve been better had the episodes been
30-45-minutes. This is the first
“episode” I’m reviewing and the last one I’ll be seeing for a while since I’m
all caught up and my free trial of Hulu ends soon. This one also takes place around St.
Patrick’s Day (a.k.a. Eradicate the Pagans Day), so I figured ‘tis the season
(blah, blah, blah), and was one of the few I actually enjoyed. The only other “episodes” I gave G ratings
for were “I’m Just F*cking with You (April Fools’ Day, season one),” “Culture
Shock (Independence Day, season one),” and “Pilgrim (Thanksgiving, season
two),” but even those I didn’t think were that
great. This one, involving
aliens/doppelgangers and set-up like a zombie movie at times, may have been a
bit corny, derivative, lacking overall and somewhat too short (a rarity with
this series, as I implied above), but I had generally had fun with it and didn’t
feel like there was too much filler like the majority of the series so far
(hence why I probably felt it was lacking and too short). 3/9/2020
The Invisible Man EH/OK
I can honestly say I’ve only seen the original 1933 film
before this recent version. Apparently,
according to Wikipedia, there have been at least 9 other movies and 7 TV
movies, plus Hollow Man and its
sequel being variations (well, I’ve seen Hollow
Man too then). Being that Leigh
Whannell, he involved with the Saw
and Insidious films for starters,
directed it, and that it received rave reviews (92% out of 356 critics on
Rotten Tomatoes), I was more than a bit curious. Well, the film may look good, has good
performances (particularly that of Elizabeth Moss), and contains a plausible
reasoning for invisibility (in movie world at least), but I just wasn’t exactly
impressed. There’s a twist close to the
end that wasn’t too surprising and the ending wasn’t quite executed properly (making
me feel confused at first). My biggest
gripe though? It was too damn long. Was this an unnecessary remake? I would say yes, but like I said, the
original Claude Rains film is the only other version I’ve seen (made 87 years
ago) and I can’t recall every single thing that happened in it. I would say it was mostly an unnecessary
movie on its own, but at least 326 critics disagree with me, so…5/29/2020
I Spit on Your Grave: Dรฉjร Vu OK
It: Chapter Two EH/OK
Technically this isn’t a sequel, just one-half of a remake,
since this and part one (chapter one) are one long movie released
separately. This chapter was 169
minutes, the first was 135, making it a little over 5 hours total. The original was 192 minutes (not only do I
know that because of my movie run-time obsession, but I also confirmed it by
researching). Of course I’m a big fan of
the original It (which was actually a
two-part TV movie). I did read the
long-ass book by Stephen King too, but only remember specific parts. I did recommend the first part of this
remake, mildly, but still thought it was way overrated (check out my review for
it in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). I didn’t care too much for this second
chapter. I absolutely had no problem
with the adult cast of “The Loser Club” at all.
I did have a problem with all the CGI (I honestly don’t think I’m ever
going to give in to modern cinematic technology). I wasn’t a fan of any of the monstrosities
(save for a giant statue---that was cool) and there came a time when I couldn’t
wait for the movie to be over. There’s
an air of predictability at times too. Since
I’m a Stephen King completist (the man himself makes an appearance here, by the
way), or film completist for that matter, I had to see this (and the first
chapter) no matter what, as will any King completist since I don’t think your
inner OCD will allow you not to (especially if you saw the first chapter). This is just another remake though (as a
whole) that will never live up to the original (in my opinion), and I don’t
care what anyone says, but Tim Curry will always be Pennywise over this
slobbering, mostly-CGI, multi-rowed toothy villain! 12/10/2019
I Trapped the Devil OK/G
I wanted to watch a new Christmas movie (it does take place
around the holiday) and I wanted to see this film, so I paid to watch it via
Vudu on Christmas Eve. This film
involving a man proclaiming to have trapped (wanna guess…) the devil behind a
door in his basement before his brother and wife show up unannounced is
infinitely more style than substance. I
would rate the atmosphere alone as VG.
However, I don’t think it was entirely able to sustain itself as a
feature-length film despite being short.
The whole mystery of the film is wondering if we’ll get to see what’s
behind that door in which we only hear a deep voice speaking and no one likes
to feel cheated, so I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying you do find
out who or what is behind that door and it isn’t necessarily disappointing considering
it felt right in regards to the overall narrative and mythology. 1/10/2020
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 16)
(haiku review)
Eight eps. this season.
Always fun if not funny.
More hits than not here. 7/20/2023
It’s a Wonderful Knife OK
Billed as “It’s a Wonderful Life meets Scream” and the title couldn’t make that any more obvious. A teenage girl wishes she were never born while an aurora borealis is hovering over her small mountain town (which we’re told later one can’t usually see in this part of the world), and, before you can say ‘be careful what you wish for,’ she’s immediately thrust into a parallel world in which she hasn’t existed before. You see, she felt suicidal because she (understandably) never got over killing a murderer the previous year at a party, in addition to her boyfriend hooking up with another girl at a current party (which has been going on behind her back for some time). Since she “never existed,” the killer is still alive and has been killing for the past year (someone close to her being one of the victims). The majority of kills are, by and large, worthy, this definitely earning its R-rating. Whereas I was hoping for more of a Scream though, it ultimately ends up being more of It’s a Wonderful Life. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problems with feel-good holiday films if that’s what I’m expecting (I’ve liked my fair share), but this was a little too feel-good for me (when all was said and done), which isn’t exactly what I expected from a Christmas horror movie. It wasn’t terrible, not at all, but I don’t think I’m going to make an annual habit of watching it this time of year. 12/1/2023
It’s Here OK
Look up the synopsis for this film on (say) www.videoeta.com and you’ll get this
description: “…This
clown-themed anthology features some of the most frightening shorts ever made…When
clowns come to town, smiles turn upside down in this fright-fest…” Notice the words “clown-themed” and “clowns?” You’ll also notice, when
you look up the movie on that aforementioned website, that the cover features a
clown on it. Upon hearing of this film,
I was in because I love horror movies, I love anthology films, and I love evil
clowns. Well, it is an anthology film
and a horror film, but clowns aren’t involved 100% of the time. Pardon my language (whatever), but I fucking
hate false fucking advertising! Clowns
do appear though and the appearance of a Creepshow
2 poster suggests the filmmakers understand what makes a good anthology
film. It begins with a tale that doesn’t
involve clowns, but was fine-ish on
its own, before one featuring a mime that actually ends up being a bit
creative. If you’ve seen evil clown
movies before, the segment in which a babysitter finds out the owner doesn’t
own a creepy life-size clown will be old news by now, but the clown itself is
really creepy (for coulrophobes), making it watchable (for evil clown lovers). Then there’s a visually fascinating snippet
of a clown putting makeup on before something happens to him. Another one, the one featuring the Creepshow 2 poster, had a Ring-ish vibe to it and was largely
underdeveloped (I’m not sure if the demon was supposed to be a clown or not
either). One tale about a skeptical
radio host receiving calls from certain people was generally compelling, but
there was no clown! That was followed by
another decent vignette which began as a creature feature and ended as a
different one, but clowns weren’t involved!
At the very end, there’s a clip featuring two clowns running from
something only to end up in a fateful situation. So, like I said, there are clowns here but
not in all the tales and the segments collectively, for the most part, are passable,
I guess…you could do worse. I’m still
pissed I was promised a “clown-themed anthology” and not all the tales involved
clowns though! Currently available on
Tubi (free TV for those unaware) and barely over an hour. 1/24/2020
Itsy Bitsy OK/G
Confession: I’m not
afraid of spiders as much as a large percentage of the population is. I mean, if I happened to be in an Arachnophobia scenario, of course I
would be, situationally; or, if I happened to be near any deadly spiders in
areas known to have them, that goes without saying, but as for seeing any kind
of spider that’s likely harmless? Nah,
they don’t bother me too much. Anyway,
this creature feature is no Arachnophobia
(the best spider movie I’ve seen); it features just one spider (main one more
like it) that continually grows inside a house that a family of three just
moved in to (yes, there is a reason for the spider’s appearance). The arachnid design appeared to be practical
although it may have been both at times, I’m not sure, but they did a pretty
swell job of making it look practical if CGI was involved; I’m sure someone
with arachnophobia will be frightened regardless of how it looks. The movie itself wasn’t bad, as far as these
particular creature features go, and the effects were decent (not excellent),
but the ending felt tacked on and also seemed to suggest one possible scenario
that might not have actually been what you thought. Not bad otherwise. 2/10/2020
I Wanna Rock: The 80s Metal Dream
Typically one thinks of hair metal when it comes to 80s metal, and one wouldn’t be wrong since it was very popular during the time (hell, Pantera was even a hair band before their defining Cowboys From Hell album!). [I am a fan; some of my favorites include Twisted Sister, Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, Poison, and Bon Jovi; some bands only have one good song, or are only known for one song. In the 90s, I had to pretend I didn’t like it, or any music from the 80s, as it wasn’t very popular during that decade]. There were also bands like Slayer, Metallica, Megadeth, Testament, and Anthrax in the 80s (none being hair metal), but since hair metal was huge during that decade (“metal that women started liking,” as one states here; someone I know nicknamed it “pop metal” years ago), I think it’s safe to say that 80s metal is a synonymous term (I love all types of metal though; all types of music for that matter!). This three-part docuseries available on Paramount+ (all a little over 40-minutes each, so figure it’s a feature a bit over 2 hours) chronicles specific parts of the time period with interviews and footage. You’ll see what a member of Vixen and Winger are currently doing with their lives, a heartfelt disclosure from a member of Skid Row (not Sebastian), and thoughts on how grunge may or may not have actually “killed” hair metal as everyone thinks, among other things. Like many documentary topics, there is far too much to cover, and I haven’t read of any continuations planned yet. If you’re a fan of hair metal though (like moi), this limited series is fine. There weren’t too many parts I didn’t care for (as is common with documentaries, film or television, even when covering something I’m interested in) and the episodes do go by pretty fast. 7/24/2023
J
The Jack in the Box EH/OK
I love clowns and I love toys, especially jack-in-the-boxes
(a clown toy, shocker). The Jack in this
movie was cool, housed in a box looking like it was designed by the Cenobites
(those demons in Hellraiser, for
those unaware). The clown that comes out
of the jack-in-the-box was really cool; he even had claws for fingers! Oh yeah, a clown physically emerges from the
giant jack-in-the-box to kill people. Why
wasn’t this movie better than it was?!!!
This is largely a by-the-numbers slasher flick in which the toy is given
to a museum after being discovered and, in true slasher form, we know whenever
someone is going to die. It wouldn’t
have been so bad if we actually saw the majority of the kills, and had it been
the same movie with a villain not as cool, my rating would’ve been even lower. This film is far from recommendable, but I
kind of am suggesting it, in the slightest way possible, for evil clown lovers
solely because the clown is so gnarly (he belongs in a better movie). 5/20/2020
Jacob’s Ladder (2019) EH/OK
Another remake? If
you’ve seen the original 1990 version, you already know the twist. There’s a different kind of twist here though. If you haven’t seen the original 1990
version, you might actually like this version.
What am I saying? If you haven’t
seen the original 1990 version, go watch it now! Before this one! The original 1990 version is a good
movie. Was this remake unnecessary? In essence, but aren’t they all in a
sense? I’m actually kind of not saying
this is entirely dismissible either. I,
myself, might’ve liked it better had I not seen the original and this was its
own movie (even though I know I should always judge a movie on its own). I mean, the cast is likable and I commend it
for not using the same exact twist, and my main beef was the modern special
effects (but that goes for any modern movie really). Like I said, if you haven’t yet seen the
original 1990 version, please do before watching this version. As with any instance, I’d hate for this to be
the version you see first. I said please
too! 9/24/2019
Jakob’s Wife G
A vampire movie with some (ahem) bite! Well, at least the vamps look old-school and
there is violence, yes indeed! Barbara
Crampton, no stranger to horror (Re-Animator,
Chopping Mall, Puppet Master, You’re Next,
The Lords of Salem, We Are Still Here, to name a few), plays
the eponymous character to a minister played by Larry Fessenden, no stranger to
the genre himself (Google him for a list of works he’s acted in, wrote, and
directed). There are underlying themes
about the confines of marriage and how the patriarchy plays into traditional
unions, and it’s fine to have messages in movies, but that’s all usually
subsidiary to me. I only care if I enjoy
the movie or not. I wouldn’t lump this
in with my favorite films in the subgenre (The
Lost Boys, Near Dark, the
original Fright Night, etc.), but I
grew up with those movies so of course they’re always going to be incomparable
in my mind, and it’s always too early to assign new movies cult status, but I
think I can add it to the list of worthy bloodsucker movies. 4/17/2021
Jay and Silent Bob
Reboot EH
Being that characters in this film ripped on reboots and
remakes, there is a difference that’s sort of explained here, I thought this
would’ve actually been better than the average reboot (it may seem like a
remake of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back at
times, but it is more or less a reboot…I guess). Being that it was also Kevin Smith at the
helm of a film featuring his once beloved titular characters, I thought it
would be a much better film than this. I
did laugh a couple times, yes, but I hate to say that I ultimately hated this
movie. I would say sorry Kevin Smith,
one of my favorite directors once upon a time and also one of the directors
that once made me, myself, aspire to make films, but you made this movie and luckily
I only wasted time since I used a free Redbox code. No, I don’t regret watching it though because
I wanted to watch it and never would’ve let myself not watch it. Some part of me, being that I was watching a
film containing characters I’m very familiar with by a filmmaker I was once
enthralled by, wanted to keep watching, but a big part of me thinks that had
this been the same film with people I wasn’t so crazy about, it might’ve been
the worst movie of 2019. This film was
way too self-referential for me, making it wholly unoriginal and the script
made Kevin Smith seem infinitely more uneducated now than he ever was over 20
years ago! I think being in Hollywood
for too long made his pre-Hollywood property too Hollywood if this film is any indication. I’m still going to think that somewhere in
this universe (the real) Kevin Smith stopped making movies after Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, with the
exception of Clerks II, but maybe
I’ll still hold a bit of hope that one day he will rightfully return. I miss him…1/21/2020
Jeepers Creepers: Reborn B
Part 4 that’s labeled a reboot and allegedly the beginning of a new trilogy, according to the All Movie website. I hope not based on this steaming pile of elephant excrement. Yes, it stinks that bad! As of this writing, it has a 0% rating out of 11 critics on Rotten Tomatoes and I wholeheartedly agree. I liked Jeepers Creepers, eventually grew to appreciate Jeepers Creepers 2 on a trashy level (it’s a masterpiece next to this reboot), and don’t remember much about Jeepers Creepers 3, but apparently I gave it a decent review which you can read in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/01/mooby-reviews-1418.html. After almost an exact replica of the beginning of Jeepers Creepers with Dee Wallace in Gina Philips’ role, the film just becomes an uninspired mess. A couple attend a horror convention in Louisiana and end up going to a haunted house (after “winning” a raffle) with a group of others where the Creeper inevitably starts offing them one by one. There’s also a subplot wherein the Creeper wants a pregnant woman’s baby, or something like that. The locations were perfect---Louisiana, horror convention, cemetery, haunted house. There was just no style to any of it and I didn’t even enjoy it on a so-bad-its-fun level. Waste of time! If they are making at least two more, they obviously don’t have much to live up to. 10/11/2022
John and the Hole EH
[SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW]
Here’s a movie that exists in its own universe. John (of the title) puts his family (dad, mom, sister) into a bunker (the hole of the title) near their home. I think it’s only for a couple days and he only gives them food and drink twice. Somehow he’s able to drive a car no problem and use an ATM to take money out (he’s 13). A family friend does send a cop to the house after getting suspicious, but wouldn’t she have been suspicious from the get-go when John says his entire family (excluding him) went to see his grandfather at the hospital? What parents would leave their 13-year-old kid home alone, but take their older kid with them to see a possibly dying relative? Not only do you not get a motive at the end, but the family resumes their lives as if nothing happened. Oh, we get glimpses of a parallel story involving a young girl and her mother. The young girl asks her mother to tell the story of ‘John and the Hole,’ hinting it is all just a story. What was the point of it though?! Was it all a form of teenage rebellion? Did he want independence? Later on, the mother tells the daughter she is leaving and never coming back, stating there’s money for her that’ll last roughly 10 months if she spends it wisely. Okay??? If there was a point to this movie, I would really like to know what it was…3/22/2023
June 9 OK
(haiku review)
Is found footage dead?
Some may say, but what isn’t?
This one’s just okay.
5/8/2021
Ju-On: Origins (season one) EH
New six-episode series available on Netflix revolving around
the Ju-On/Grudge property created by Takashi Shimizu. Mr. Shimizu has no involvement and I’m
guessing this is a prequel to the movies (I read it’s sort of a prequel, whatever that means), as it takes place from
1988 to 1997 (which was before any of the movies came out), but I think it’s
just a spinoff, unnecessary at that. It
has the same framework as the franchise---a particular house is haunted due to
someone dying there (the house here isn’t even the same as the other entries),
a resulting curse is born, and anyone that enters said house is cursed no
matter where they go. This series adds
nothing new to the overall story which I don’t even think needs to be expanded
any further given how repetitive it is (the curse can just keep endlessly affecting
more and more people that come into contact with it). The only positive thing I can say is that it
is only six episodes ranging from 27 to 31 minutes, but that’s still roughly 3
hours of lost time, so, nevermind, there really is nothing positive I can say. Not only was the second Grudge remake the worst movie of the year so far, but I think this
lame cash-in might be the worst TV show of the year so far. Therefore, I think I’m all Grudged out; this year and from here on
out for that matter! 7/5/2020
Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous G
New animated spinoff series available on Netflix. It involves six kids attending camp on the
dinosaur-infested island who eventually end up alone after an unforeseen
(although should be expected) event and must fend for themselves before
reaching safety. I don’t see why it couldn’t
have been a live-action series, but I guess they thought going the animated
route would draw more viewers in, specifically the younger set, and that it
would be a bit different than the films.
I couldn’t not watch it being I’m a fan of the franchise, even of mostly
maligned entries like The Lost World
and Fallen Kingdom. I wasn’t a big fan of the “modern” animation
(although it kind of reminded me of Monster
House, a film I am a fan of), but I temporarily got used to it, tolerated
it, if you will. I will say the
dinosaurs did very much resemble their real counterparts though (real meaning
the ones in the live-action films, of course), therefore the animation wasn’t
entirely too bad. It ultimately comes
down to characters, story, and entertainment value (all of which this series satisfactorily
contained). While this may be a “family
friendly” series, people do die, albeit discreetly off-screen, but they do die.
The eight episodes go by really fast,
each being 24 minutes, totaling a little over 3 hours, making this series very
bingeable (either in one sitting or definitely throughout one day). I’m looking forward to the 6th Jurassic Park movie or 3rd Jurassic World movie (whatever it is),
and I can honestly say I had fun with this series in the meantime. I did.
The end suggested this could continue and I say, “Bring it!” 9/20/2020
Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous (Season 2) OK
…I’m looking forward to the 6th Jurassic Park movie or 3rd Jurassic World movie (whatever it is), and I can honestly say I had fun with this series in the meantime. I did. The end suggested this could continue and I say, “Bring it!”…
Those were my final words for the review of the first season, which you can read in its entirety in the archives (www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com), and now here we are with season two of the animated spinoff available on Netflix. The same characters return with about three new ones added. It is eight episodes again, all but one being 24 minutes, the last one being 23 (the credits are always included in the total). The episodes do go by rather quickly again and there are a few suspenseful scenes, but I just didn’t have as much fun this time; this season ultimately felt like a cash grab. As of now, season three is not confirmed and it could very well happen considering this season didn’t completely end, and, if it does happen, I hope it’s better than this season. I can’t not continue considering how much a fan I am of the franchise. 1/23/2021
Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous (Season 3) G
…As of now, season three is not confirmed and it could very well happen considering this season didn’t completely end, and, if it does happen, I hope it’s better than this season…
Those are the words I said towards the end of my season two review of this Netflix series (you can read the entire review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/01/synchronic.html, as well as my review for season one here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/09/jurassic-world-camp-cretaceous.html). Boy was this season better than the last one! I enjoyed the first season enough to label it one of the best TV shows of last year, but the second season just didn’t work for me. Sometimes you can’t truly explain why you don’t enjoy something, but sometimes you just don’t enjoy something as much as you do others, hence why criticism will always be subjective (I know at least my brother enjoyed season two). Whereas the previous two seasons contained 8 episodes each, this one was 10, all of them 24 minutes each that all go by super fast! I didn’t want to stop watching and that’s certainly always a positive. Basically the same six kids from the beginning are still on the island and must try and survive amongst the dinosaurs that are always in pursuit (the herbivores are even dangerous this time). This season was pure fun and should be as well to those that are fans of the movie franchise as well as this spinoff series, but, then again, that’s just my subjective opinion. As of now, season four has not been confirmed, but it’s a high possibility given the ending of this season, and, if so, I’m guessing it’ll be released 4 months from now since that’s been the interval between each season so far. Of course I’ll watch it, but it has a lot to live up to after this season; I just ask that it be better than season two! 5/23/2021
Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous (Season 4) EH
I feared this would happen. I liked season one of this animated Netflix spinoff series, didn’t like season two, liked season three, and didn’t like this one. Sense a pattern? So far I seem to like every other season (you can read my review for season one here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/09/jurassic-world-camp-cretaceous.html, season two here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/01/synchronic.html, and season three here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/05/jurassic-world-camp-cretaceous-season.html). This time there are 11 episodes that are 24-minutes each, so that’s about 4 ½ hours total (bingeable, if you choose). The series obviously isn’t over yet, so this season felt like complete filler between last season and the probable next one. It was unexciting for the most part (completely unlike last season) and I felt like I kind of forced myself to continue halfway through (never a good sign). The first episode was decent and gave me a bit of hope, but the only other moment that stood out was towards the end of the series when our human protagonists come into contact with a specific dino from the very first live-action film (that being Jurassic Park not World). There was more robot action than dino action it seemed, and, even so, I still wasn’t that impressed. If and when season five happens, I hope my above assessment is true in that I’ll like it; otherwise, that’ll be 3 out of 5 misfires for this series…12/4/2021
Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous (Season Five) EH
Allegedly the last season of this Netflix spinoff series and I hope they’re right! This definitely far outstayed its welcome. I think it should’ve ended after the first season, although I did like season three as well, so maybe after that. I only had a teensy bit of fun in these 12 episodes all roughly 24-minutes (basically it’s almost 5 hours wasted). It got way too political. I couldn’t wait for it to be over from the very beginning, but since I made it this far I couldn’t not finish. I really have no more to say other than I didn’t enjoy this season at all (others like me will watch it anyway, if they haven’t already, and maybe they’ll like it better than I did). I didn’t like the last Jurassic World movie either (Dominion; you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/06/jurassic-world-dominion.html), so I think this franchise is done for me, as it should be for everyone else (like I said, I hope they really mean this is the end, for both the TV series and films). 7/25/2022
Here are my reviews for the other seasons:
Jurassic World: Dominion EH/OK
Jurassic Park 6 or Jurassic World 3? Either way it’s allegedly the conclusion of the franchise, but we’ve all heard that before. I hate to say it, but I hope this is the conclusion if this completely disappointing entry is any indication. For those of you that disliked Fallen Kingdom, which really wasn’t that bad (you can read my review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/06/mooby-reviews-63018.html), I’d be truly surprised if you think Dominion is any better. As you may see, this is what I wrote at the end of Fallen Kingdom’s review---If the ending is any indication, I think Jurassic Park 6 or Jurassic World 3 could be even better. Ha! This is the only entry in the franchise I disliked (yes, I liked The Lost World) and I was really hoping it would go out with a bang (considering some of the original Jurassic Park cast was involved; I doubt any of them needed cash, but who knows in these times?). It took place in too many locations (I know, logically it was supposed to, but it didn’t work) much like a big, dumb, loud action movie, which this mostly was, and that’s not a compliment. It felt like a substandard sci-fi flick at times too (what were those locusts doing in a dinosaur movie?!). There also seemed to be too many talky scenes (when we see a movie about dinosaurs taking over the world, we want to see just that…dinosaurs attacking people and causing havoc). Granted, there were some passable scenes involving dinos (which is why I reluctantly added the OK to the rating), but not enough to make this entry not feel like the franchise overstayed its welcome, and ‘overstaying ones welcome’ usually just means that it sucks; if the entry was actually good, you wouldn’t say that it overstayed its welcome. This franchise deserves to become (ahem) extinct. Unfortunately. Maybe the upcoming (July) season five of Camp Cretaceous will be decent…6/10/2022
Just Beyond (Season
One) EH
I had to watch this series based on graphic novels by R.L.
Stine since he is one of my all-time favorite authors. I only read the first two books in the series
(I think; I know I read at least the first one), but I don’t think any of these
eight episodes (roughly around the half-hour mark, give or take) are based on
them; I think this series only took the title.
I should’ve known it wasn’t going to be straight-up horror (even for the
kiddies) given it was shown on Disney+ and that it was labeled a drama on the
channel. This is more of a light
thriller/fantasy series for the tween age group only (maybe The Twilight Zone for the young’uns as
opposed to another Goosebumps series),
said tweens having never seen much before.
“Leave Them Kids Alone” has the typical scenario wherein a “rebellious”
girl is sent to a school in order to get set straight and said school has a
rather sinister agenda (blah, blah, blah); I did like the ending even if it was
a bit too “feel-good.” “Parents Are From
Mars, Kids Are From Venus” is a harmless alien vignette containing corny special
effects and the same corny appeal of an early Nineties TV special, and the
following episode, “Which Witch,” is like a really corny TV movie involving
teen (you guessed it) witches in high school.
“My Monster” would be the only one of these episodes you could truly
label horror and is ironically the best one; it contains a monster (nothing you
haven’t seen before) that would likely frighten the younger viewers (hell,
maybe even the older viewers).
“Unfiltered” revolves around the typical “be careful what you wish for”
theme in which an unpopular girl’s wish to be “pretty” and popular is granted
before realizing it comes with a price (blah, blah, blah); cheesy
conclusion. “We’ve Got Spirits, Yes We
Do” does contain ghosts, in a theater, but wouldn’t frighten the most timid
viewers as it is more of what the show is labeled as on Disney+…a drama. “Standing Up for Yourself” is a typical tale
involving a bully eventually getting his comeuppance, and “The Treehouse” is a
fairly standard story (meaning no surprises or anything remotely fresh) wherein
a boy is somehow able to land in a parallel dimension after being in the
titular structure during a storm. Like I
said, this will likely only appeal to tweens that haven’t seen much. I like to think I’m young at heart, but I
can’t say I was too much a fan of this unoriginal series (the intro before each
episode was better than the series as a whole), which is extremely
disappointing given that R.L. Stine and Seth Grahame-Smith (writer of Pride
and Prejudice and Zombies and Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter) were
attached somehow. I will always read and
watch pretty much anything with Stine’s name on it (as long as it’s
horror-oriented), so better luck next time if more seasons are coming…10/18/2021
Kids vs. Aliens G
Spin-off film of a segment in V/H/S/2, both directed by Jacob Eisener (I recommend the short film he also directed, Treevenge, which you can check out on YouTube). This roughly 75-minute feature is fast-paced with barely enough room to breathe. I enjoyed it though (as I did the vignette in the aforementioned anthology film). As you can deduce from the title, it involves kids (and teenagers) that must fight for their lives after aliens crash a Halloween party at one of their houses (the teen girl and young boy’s parents definitely aren’t going to win any ‘Parents of the Year’ awards). These aliens don’t want to be anyone’s friend; they simply want to annihilate in more ways than one. There is violence, yes, towards both humans and aliens. It did end too soon, but I have a feeling this may not be all we’re going to see since the story obviously isn’t over…1/22/2023
Killer Clowns EH/OK
Anyone that knows me knows I love them. The title is as straightforward as it gets;
this barely hour-long documentary details the history of clowns as well as some
of the ones in cinema and reality. Films
like Stephen King’s It, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Terrifier, and Wrinkles the Clown are covered, but instead of showing clips or
photos of the actual films, we’re given substitute images, making this come off
as unprofessional and cheaply-made (I did actually learn something new about Killer Klowns in regards to the title
though). I mean, they did show one real
picture of serial killer John Wayne Gacy, so why couldn’t images/clips from
those aforementioned films be utilized?
And why weren’t there any talking heads?
I think I would’ve preferred just reading the same information. This definitely isn’t the definitive
documentary on the subject, but it won’t take up too much of your time and is currently available on Tubi (meaning
free). 11/18/2020
Killer Kites B
Yes, the title is very literal. There are kites that kill in this film. Seriously, what will they think of next? I’m willing to give the most asinine concept a shot (as any of you that read my reviews should know) if it somehow works. Hell, I didn’t think I’d enjoy a film about killer pants, but I’ve watched Slaxx more than once (my haiku review of it is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/03/the-dark-and-wickedthe-mortuary.html). I just wasn’t diggin’ this flick co-directed by the guy that gave us another “masterpiece” entitled Sewer Gators (I have a haiku review of that in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/10/spirit-halloween-movie.html; more than one reference is made to that film here---how’s that for product placement? They managed to feature McDonald’s as well!). There were a few neat kite POV shots (maybe three, if I remember correctly), but the kills weren’t fun, nor were the effects impressive (some obviously digital). It felt a lot longer than its barely 67-minute runtime too! Again, I can suspend my disbelief (especially if it involves something like killer kites!); I just ask that it be better than this (or more fun, if you will). 1/3/2024
The Killing Tree EH
A killer Christmas tree. Literally. Is it asinine? Of course it is. Would you expect anything less? My expectations may not have been high, but I did expect it to be more fun than this. A murderer is resurrected into the festive tree by mistake. This tree now walks, talks, kills, and even drives a car (I actually thought it was going to have sex with another tree at one time, but no luck). I was reminded of Jack Frost a bit, but that’s a fun holiday horror flick with an asinine concept. The only way you can likely have fun with this is if high or inebriated. A scene towards the end wherein two trees briefly duke it out almost made me chuckle (it likely would’ve cracked me up had something been in my system). It is barely 72-minutes if you are curious though (and free on Tubi), but what open-minded cinephile wouldn’t be? However, you can spend even less time (just 16-minutes) with another film about killer Christmas trees (yes, plural) that’s a lot more fun entitled Treevenge (which is available on YouTube). 11/5/2022
Kipo and the Age of
the Wonderbeasts: Season One OK/G
Ten-episode (20-plus minutes each) animated series available
on Netflix set 200 years from now in which most humans live underground (in
burrows) and mutated animals with the ability to talk (amongst other things)
live aboveground. This would only work in animated form; it is
quirky, generally fun, satisfactorily animated, and definitely unique (the only
thing that came to mind thematically was Planet
of the Apes, but this was its own beast).
Raving bees, driving frogs, snake musicians, rapping wolves (I sensed a
Wu-Tang influence), and exercising raccoons are just some of the characters
you’ll meet. As unique and adventurous
it may be though, it did sort of start to overstay its welcome towards the end
and I never felt the urge to binge the series (as short as the episodes are),
even taking breaks for days in between, and that’s usually not the best
sign. Judging from the end of the last
episode, it seems a second season might be in the works and I really don’t
think it needs to go on anymore. Still,
if you’re looking for a different, progressive too (there’s a gay character), kind
of post-apocalyptic tale to invest in that the entire family can enjoy, why not
give it a whirl? 2/10/2020
Kittie: Origins/Evolutions G
I’ve been a metalhead since 7th grade (I’m 36
now). When Kittie came out around the
millennium, not too many women (let alone all-girl bands) were in metal. Unfortunately, whenever you’re in an industry
wherein you don’t fall into the majority (in metal, straight white males,
emphasis on the male), you’re always going to stand out. Sure, there were all-girl bands like L7 and
Drain STH at the time, but they weren’t nearly as heavy, or at least
consistently heavy, the former being more punkish and the latter having an
equal amount of soft/heavy songs and not gaining as much popularity despite
playing Ozzfest twice! I remember
someone saying at the time in a magazine that Kittie became popular solely for
being girls and wouldn’t have been if they were dudes playing the same songs. That may be (refer back to my majority
comment), but at least Kittie were good.
I was a big fan of their first album (Spit) pretty much in its
entirety and liked their second album (Oracle) enough (though not as
much) to still consider myself a fan, enough to get a band T-shirt that I still
have (I also saw them at Ozzfest 2000 which was the first one I attended). By the time their third album came out (Until
the End), they started to sound weaker but I thought they were still okay. They got worse after that, making me lose
interest and thus faded away, only coming to mind when mentioned or while wearing
the band T-shirt. When I heard of this documentary
covering their entire career (in a little more than 90 minutes), I was definitely
interested. I always like to read/see
interviews of bands even if I’m not a fan, more so if I actually am/was a fan,
because I like when artists are given human qualities. Seeing this definitely brought back memories
(nostalgia!); it seems like many of my best memories involve entertainment
(introvert!), and ironically, the coverage on albums when I wasn’t a fan were
the least interesting parts of the film, but I still wanted to keep watching. My rating is for fellow Kittie fans (now or
ever), as I would imagine they’d be the most interested in checking this out,
but if you’re interested in any kind of musical history, are a feminist, or open-minded,
I’m not discouraging you from tuning in either!
4/13/2019
Klaus G
A new Netflix movie that’s animated and also a Christmas
movie. I actually liked it too! I wish it was even better than it was, but I
did not allow my inner Scrooge to get the better of me. The animation is generally crisp and
exquisite; something rare these days unless coming from Disney or Pixar and
such. It concerns a man forced by his
father to go live on a remote island until he can stamp 6,000 letters at the
post office, lest he’s permanently cut off.
This dreary island (I forget the name of it) is freezing, contains two
large families that have been at war with each other for centuries, and none of
the children attend school. Do you think
by the end the families will reconcile (at least some of them), the kids will
be attending school, and the town will be more jubilant than it once was? Of course the answer is yes to all the above
and you and I should know that, but that’s all beside the point, at least
circumstantially. Apparently Christmas
has always been around, but this movie charmingly portrayed how Santa Claus
came to be the one delivering presents to good children on the holiday (bad
children get a lump of you know what).
There were no religious affiliations presented, making this completely
about the secular aspects associated with Christmas (or, arguably, the pagan
aspects as many don’t realize that that’s how the holiday began,
allegedly). It was ultimately refreshing
to see a new Christmas film, animated or not, that’s good and that the whole family can enjoy. I can sort of see this becoming a holiday classic
and when the youth a couple generations from now talk about how much they like
it and watch it annually, I’m going to be able to tell them I remember when it
first aired (if I’m still alive, of course).
11/27/2019
Knives and Skin OK
This is a different kind of teen movie (kind of). It’s also a mystery and kind of a musical
(kind of; you have to see it to understand).
All the characters appear to be in a daze and there’s definitely a David
Lynch vibe (Twin Peaks comparisons
are highly likely). A teenage girl goes
missing in the beginning and a decent amount of people in this small town have
secrets (as is common in such film environments and even reality). The film may be well-made and mesmerizing to
look at, but it ultimately lacks in substance.
I felt there really was no mystery aspect and the conclusion was rather
dry. 3/5/2020
Knock at the Cabin OK/G
M. Night Shyamalan’s newest film based on the book, The Cabin at the End of the World, by Paul Tremblay, a book I did read, long before I knew it was going to be adapted. I remember not being as impressed as I thought I would be with the novel, and I don’t recall much other than there being a cabin and people arriving with weapons, so I’m not even going to bother doing the whole book and film comparison. I read this film was going to be a bit different anyway, M. Night having co-wrote the screenplay with two others (none being Paul Tremblay). In this film, two men with their young daughter are staying at a cabin when four adults arrive, three with weapons, demanding one of them needs to die by one of their own hands or the rest of the world will perish, leaving them three the only survivors. There are rules given and, of course, there are consequences the longer they make their decision. The reasoning behind their demands sound just as shady as them being there in the first place. Even as possible evidence gradually mounts, our protagonists (particularly one of the men) are still skeptical (naturally, who the hell wouldn’t be?). It was generally an engaging film, but I thought the ending was a little too pat (or anticlimactic, if you will) considering how dark it was beforehand, and coming from the director behind it. 3/24/2023
L
Lamb (2021) G
(haiku review)
Bizarre arty film.
It’s very, very bizarre.
Very unique though. 11/17/2022
*In Icelandic with subtitles*
Land Shark EH/OK
(haiku review)
It’s bad. You
surprised?
Short, bloody, laughably
bad.
They tried. Ha…sort
of. 8/4/2021
The Last Blockbuster
Ah, video stores.
Something any of us old enough to remember going to regularly didn’t
appreciate until they gradually went into oblivion. I mean, yeah, we still have Netflix by mail,
Redbox, and countless streaming services at our fingertips, but nothing beats
physically going to a store and browsing all the aisles both new and old (I
don’t care what the one guy here says either), even if the movie you wanted
wasn’t in after several visits (hell, you can’t get movies on Netflix right
away either!). This documentary features
(as the title clearly states) the last Blockbuster in existence (in the world)
located in Bend, Oregon (I almost want to move out there just to work
there!). We do get to learn a bit about
Sandi, the manager, who is so dedicated that she personally goes to buy movies
at Target or Amazon or wherever if they don’t carry it and a customer requests
it, in addition to buying snacks and candy in bulk to sell. Other than viewing the store and the people that
work there and rent there, we see several famous faces (Kevin Smith being one)
talk about their experiences with video stores growing up, which only worked
for nostalgic reasons. I was born in
1982, so of course I have many memories of going to video stores growing up; I
used to look forward to going every weekend and, as I got older, would go every
weekday when the new releases came out.
I used to frequent a video store called Wow! Video, only because they
were cheaper than Blockbuster and had many more deals and discounts, but I also
went to Blockbuster because sometimes they carried titles Wow! didn’t, or if a
specific movie was unavailable at Wow! I went straight to Blockbuster
afterwards to see if they had it. Wow (!), I’m starting to ramble on about my
own personal experiences with video stores.
Like I said, this feature will only make those of us with memories of
such places feel nostalgic, as it’s not always the most enthralling film, and
for those that think Netflix may have been the driving force behind
Blockbuster’s demise, this documentary has some stuff to say on the topic. 3/22/2021
Last Days in October OK
Four-episode feature available on YouTube barely totaling 40
minutes (basically a short film released in parts). It takes place in North Carolina during the
(wait for it) last days in October and ties in with a certain franchise
(hint---it involves a holiday occurring during the title). It’s okay (hence my rating) for a “fan film
(my words, no one else’s)” posted on YouTube and won’t take up too much of your
time, but I think it could’ve benefitted from containing one or two more “episodes.” 11/12/2020
Last Night at Terrace Lanes OK/G
I was in when I heard this was a horror movie set at a bowling alley, written by Adam Cesare, the author of the Clown in a Cornfield books (there’s a third one coming out later this year!); I found out while watching that one of the co-directors of The Blair Witch Project was one of the producers too. The only other horror movie set at a bowling alley I can think of is Gutterballs (which I gave 3 out of 4 stars, according to my archives), and, ahem, I guess those Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama movies (my review of the second one is in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2023/02/m3gan.html); hell, there aren’t too many movies involving bowling period (Kingpin, The Big Lebowski…I should pitch a movie or TV series set only at a bowling alley!). Anyway, was this movie actually as cool as it sounds? Kind of. As the title clearly states, the titular bowling alley is closing up for good after the night; a bunch of cult members wearing masks happen to arrive this night and slaughter everyone, obviously for cult reasons (obviously); that is, of course, except for a few survivors whom must do whatever it takes to survive while locked inside this alley. It definitely doesn’t have the highest budget and certainly isn’t without its flaws (the violence in the beginning involving internal organs being the main one---I thought it was kind of lame), but there are enough pros (at least for indiscriminate horror fans) to make it worth watching at least once. It’s barely even 75-minutes too. 2/6/2024
Last Night in Soho G
I’ve wanted to see this movie for a long time. I hate when movies aren’t as good as you think they’ll be, or as you hope they’ll be (which tends to be the case with many modern movies). I did end up liking this movie, but it is one of those you’ll need to wait until it’s over to truly know what you think. It involves a girl in the English countryside that travels to London to attend school for fashion. This girl is obsessed with the Sixties and can somehow travel back to that time period after she rents a room at an old lady’s house. She is able to live vicariously through a female singer from that time as well as observe her. It takes a while for the horror elements to kick in, but there is something oddly transfixing about what comes before. It becomes a murder mystery of sorts wherein our female protagonist in the present tries to get to the bottom of; there are also supernatural elements. It did get a bit disappointing at first because I wasn’t sure what type of movie it was going to become (assuming it was going to get worse) and the supernatural special effects weren’t that great. There is a twist that actually did surprise me, one in which I should’ve foresaw, and everything makes sense after that, or at least makes more sense (hence why you should wait until it’s over to make judgments). I didn’t think it was excellent, but I do still recommend it and wonder if it’ll age better. 1/22/2022
Late Night with the Devil OK
The new horror movie lauded by many so far, Stephen King and Kevin Smith included, Smith labeling it ‘Rosemary’s Baby meets Network.’ Well, Stephen King (as much as I love the man) recommends a lot of things I don’t agree with (not that I disliked the TV movie remake of The Shining, but he preferred that to the original Kubrick version), and, no Mr. Smith, this is nothing like Rosemary’s Baby just because the Dark Lord is involved (said Roman Polanski film probably being one of the best Satanic flicks out there; yes, I like it better than The Exorcist and The Omen). This is yet another one of those overhyped films, because my expectations weren’t quite matched when all was said and done. Did I dislike it? No. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t engaged for a good deal of the time, but part of me thinks that might’ve been due to anticipating what would eventually transpire. It takes place on a talk show in the Seventies on Halloween night (that right there is a plus given I adore entertainment from that decade as well as the holiday), presented as if it’s an actual episode airing live (in addition to what goes on during commercial breaks). The guests include someone that speaks with the dead, a skeptic, and a young girl that was the sole survivor of a tragedy involving a Satanic cult. You don’t need Horror Movies 101 to tell you something will eventually go down (and do you really think the skeptic won’t be proven wrong by the end?). Typical possession flick tropes ensue (an exorcism, a sudden inexplicable death, etc.) before the finale, which wasn’t terrible, but wasn’t exactly grand either. I read of a possible, but unconfirmed, sequel which I might be okay with considering there’s likely more to the story here; it could make this seem better as a companion piece. 4/20/2024
LEGO Jurassic Park: The Unofficial Retelling OK
Yes, Jurassic Park has been LEGO’d in this Peacock exclusive. Jeff Goldblum’s character recounts the film to us in a truncated 22-minute version. They did an okay job of trying to compress as much as they could in those 22-minutes. It would help if you actually saw Jurassic Park before watching this to know what they’re trying to imitate, otherwise you’ll think everything is happening too swiftly from scene to scene. [And if you haven’t seen Jurassic Park by now, what the hell were you waiting for? Two of my nieces, ages 5 and 7, have already seen it a couple times and love it!]. Part of me wonders how it would’ve been had most of the film been adapted this way, but I’m unsure how long it would take for the novelty to wear off, especially if I already know everything that’s going to happen (as will any fan of the film). Perhaps a slightly longer version might’ve worked? I don’t know. Another part of me wishes they could’ve made it with some PG-13 violence like the film, but I think the kiddos were considered for this retelling. Honestly, I’d rather just watch the film itself! 10/11/2023
The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part OK
The LEGO Movie was a big surprise to me; it was quite awesome. This sequel, sadly, wasn’t entirely awesome (like many sequels). Sure, it was creative at times, I laughed a few times, and some of the songs were catchy, but I just wasn’t entranced like I was the first time. Halfway through I actually couldn’t wait for it to end (never a good sign) before picking up a little bit, and the frequent sardonic dialogue befitting a silly comedy didn’t work for me (yes, not even in a LEGO movie). I definitely didn’t dislike it (you’re naturally going to see The Second Part if you saw and liked the first part), I enjoyed it more than The LEGO NINJAGO Movie, but everything can’t always be awesome (like The LEGO Movie). And you might want to watch the first one first if you haven’t since the twist at the end of The LEGO Movie is often brought into play here (I would’ve been amazed if they managed to top that twist). 5/7/2019
Leprechaun Returns OK/G
This is the 8th film in the franchise if you
include the 7th one (Origins)
which had nothing to do with the others in that it involved the mythology
surrounding the Irish creature that didn’t quite resemble the cinematic icon
played by Warwick Davis. Mr. Davis
didn’t return for this entry (you can find out why if you research), but the
pint-sized demon (played here by Linden Porco) still contains the same wit (at
least attempted) while causing murderous mayhem in search of that fabled pot of
gold. Much like the latest Halloween, this sequel ignores all the
other sequels and is a direct sequel to the first film, even taking place at
the same exact house (or at least a good replica). I am a fan of Leprechaun. I take the
sequels for what they are---low expectation diversions---and don’t recall
disliking any of them, even the two in the ‘Hood, except for maybe the one in
space (part 4) only because I’m not the biggest fan of space-set films (horror
or otherwise), but I don’t even recall despising that one (I actually didn’t
hate Jason X because the violence was
exemplary). That being said, I didn’t
expect much from this sequel premiering on the SyFy channel other than the
Leprechaun returning and killing people, which is exactly what happened (here,
a group of college students using the house from Leprechaun for a project) and I don’t know what any other fans expect
either, or even anyone that’s just seen them all. I probably could give this a G rating, but I
guess the split comes from the fact that it’s still a sequel and felt like one. I’m still recommending it though, mainly for
the fans. It does contain the expected
violence with both red and green blood and most of its worthy, some slightly
reminiscent of early Peter Jackson efforts.
There’s also a worthy homage to Army
of Darkness. I never thought I would
say this and I don’t care what anyone says, but I can actually say this was a
much more enjoyable direct sequel than the last Halloween movie. Take from
that what you will. 3/18/2019
Let the Right One In (Season One) OK
I’m a fan of the 2008 Swedish film of the same name; I didn’t love it at first; I had to watch it more than once to eventually love it. The 2010 remake, Let Me In, felt too fast-paced (as American remakes of non-American films often are) and was released much too soon after the original. This new Showtime series is predominantly a drama; well, the original film was ultimately an indie coming-of-age film that contained vampires; this series contains vampires, and there is violence like the film, but it’s primarily a drama. The story generally remains intact---a young vampire girl is protected by an older man (her father here) and befriends a young boy living in the same apartment building; the setting trades Sweden for New York. Whereas the film generally focused on the young boy and his vamp friend while occasionally featuring ancillary characters, bullying being the central theme, this series focuses on more than just those two, such as both their single parents and people looking for a cure; the bullying here is just a minor subplot. Being that it’s ten episodes roughly 50-minutes each (give or take), it does feel drawn out, even with all the other characters. Perhaps I was instinctively comparing to the movie? Or perhaps if I never saw the movie, or remake even, would I have appreciated this more? Like always, questions I’ll never have answered, and this series would’ve never existed without the film, which itself wouldn’t have existed without the book it was based on by John Ajvide Lindqvist (I’m a fan of that book too). This series was just okay, as my rating indicates. As of now, there are no talks of a season two, but it’s definitely not over based on the ending of the last episode. If they do continue, I won’t be in a rush to watch it, nor do I think I’ll really care, but I say that now…12/9/2022
The Lie EH/OK
A teenage girl admits to pushing her friend off a bridge and
both her parents cover it up for her the best they can. Now, titling this The Lie made me a bit suspicious from the get-go, but I was willing
to go along and was curious to where
it would all lead. There isn’t much to
this at all and it kind of has a Lifetime Channel feel to it, but it was kind
of able to sustain itself for a good portion and there is a dark undertone in
the grand scheme of things, but my initial presumptions ended up being true (as
they should be for any ardent movie watcher), thereby making it a worse film than
it already was. I expected better from
you Blumhouse, especially in 2020. 11/9/2020
Lightyear EH
This is essentially a movie-within-a-movie, this movie being part of the Toy Story universe, as we’re informed in the beginning that this is the movie that made Andy want a Buzz Lightyear toy in 1995. Did we need a standalone Buzz movie? Judging by this film (currently available on Disney+), absolutely not! I thought Toy Story 4 was unnecessary (my review is here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/06/childs-playtoy-story-4.html). What’s next? A Woody standalone movie? I’m not a fan of westerns, so I don’t know if I like that idea (perhaps a TV series depicting all the major toy origins might work instead of feature films?). I’m not a fan of space movies either, but this was just a big dumb action movie that, quite frankly, bored me and I couldn’t wait for it to be over about halfway through (it’s over 100-minutes). I did like the cat (Sox) though, and think it deserves its own movie. If the target audience is the younger set, I believe much of this will go over their heads. As for the adults that will watch it with them and/or are fans of the series, they might be bored like I was. What do I know though? What do I ever know? I know film criticism is entirely subjective, but, once again, Rotten Tomatoes disagrees with me, there being (as of this writing) 75% positive reviews out of 303 critics (well, at least 25% of them agree with me). For a better animated movie featuring a giant robot, watch The Iron Giant (which recently had its anniversary). 8/8/2022
The Lion King EH
Much like the latest Aladdin
film, this update is pretty much a shot-for-shot live-action remake of the
original animated version. If we know
everything that’s going to happen, why exactly do we need to see the same exact
movie in live-action if there was absolutely nothing wrong with the cartoons to
being with? Now, this film wasn’t
exactly live-action like Aladdin was,
I forget what the process was here, but it all looked real enough and that’s
about the only plus I can say about it.
I disliked this movie, immensely.
The musical sequences were actually worsened here, lacking all the
vibrancy of the original. All this and
the Aladdin remake made me want to do
was watch the originals. Aladdin wasn’t as bad, but it was still
kind of unnecessary. This was
unnecessary as in bottom of the totem pole unnecessary. There is absolutely no reason for kids or
anyone else to see this film when the original animated film still exists. [If you’re going to remake a movie at all, although
I say don’t at all, why not re-imagine it instead? That’s why the new Child’s Play worked (as much as I hated the idea of it from the
get-go) since it bore no resemblance to the original film at all other than the
title and character names]. The Lion King isn’t even one of my
favorite animated Disney movies (mini-confession), but I still undoubtedly like
it and this film just made me appreciate it even more. 11/5/2019
Lisa Frankenstein OK/G
Yet another film taking place in the ‘80’s (1989 here). Sure, lots of good things (music, movies) came from that decade, but it seems like modern movies occurring during the era try to be more Eighties than the actual Eighties were. This horror-comedy captured the time period well enough (the soundtrack, for the most part, is great); it is a little bit Tim Burton, a little bit John Hughes, a little bit My Boyfriend’s Back, and a little bit May (which was itself a variation of Frankenstein), but basically a “rom-com with zombie (singular),” as opposed to Shaun of the Dead being a “rom-com with zombies (plural).” Lisa is a teenage girl without much of a social life that ends up hanging out with a zombie boy (you do learn how he’s resurrected) whose tombstone she visited often in a local cemetery. He seems pretty composed for being dead since 1837. I can usually overlook logic though when watching movies, especially since this is indeed a zombie film. [How did he know how to drive a car right away? I don’t think there were cars before 1837. I guess the same way we don’t know how Michael Myers knew how to drive a car in the original Halloween either]. The comedy doesn’t always work, especially in the beginning, but most of the violence is passable (considering it’s only rated PG-13). I definitely didn’t dislike this film, nor did I love it, but there is something slightly appealing about it despite feeling derivative (what do you expect from an Eighties-set movie released in 2024?); it did seem a bit short too, even at roughly 100-minutes. 4/3/2024
Lisey’s Story (Season
One) OK/G
(haiku review)
New King-based series.
Read the book back in ’06.
This show? Just okay.
7/19/2021
*8 episodes; available on Apple+*
The Little Mermaid EH/OK
I love the 1989 animated film; it’s one of my favorites. Remakes are inevitable anymore and curiosity always gets the better of me, so I had to see this recent live-action update (now available on Disney+). There was another live-action Little Mermaid film a couple years back (you can read my review for it in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/12/mooby-reviews-121518.html), but that one was even worse than this one directed by Rob Marshall (Chicago, Memoirs of a Geisha). I didn’t hate this film (the performers are fine and some of it is well-made), but, like many a remake, it just made me want to watch the original the entire time. As with the majority of live-action Disney remakes, you know what’s going to happen, it’s just a matter of anticipating it and how it will look (the only scene I don’t recall adapted here was when Sebastian was trying to escape the chef in the kitchen). I don’t think it needed to be over two hours either, although it didn’t necessarily feel like it. Was this yet another unnecessary remake? I’d say so, but my opinion is subjective, needless to say; my tween nieces loved it, for one, they probably being the primary target audience. The only Disney remake so far I thought was decent was Guillermo del Toro’s version of Pinocchio (you can read my review for that here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/12/guillermo-del-toros-pinocchio.html). 9/11/2023
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here are links to my reviews of other live-action Disney remakes:
Beauty and the Beast---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2017/06/mooby-reviews-62117.html
The Jungle Book---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2016/09/mooby-reviews-9112016.html; Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle---same as The Little Mermaid one in the review above
Pinocchio---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2022/09/snapperamerican-horror-stories-season-2.html
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Llamageddon OK
I don’t think I need to explain one doesn’t expect a
masterpiece with a title like that. I
will say it is the first movie I recall featuring a killer llama from another
planet, let alone a killer llama movie.
In fact, the only other movie featuring a llama at all that comes to
mind is The Emperor’s New Groove. Of course this comes off as a Z-movie,
featuring “grandparents” that are obviously the same age as one of their kids (perhaps
even younger), college-age kids that can’t act for shit, and two horribly
(read: laughably) choreographed sequences involving the llama beating people up. But, I could very well label it a B-movie as
well, which was likely the intention.
Let’s see, there was more than one creative animated sequence, a real
llama was used (points for practicality), the red eyes added to said llama in
post-production looked real enough, the CGI effects used were more passable
than not, and there is violence (even if not always of the best quality, but,
again, your expectations shouldn’t be so high to begin with). So, do the pros outweigh the cons here? All I’m going to say is that it’s not the
worst “bad movie” I’ve seen (maybe even a bit entertaining), and I’ve seen my
fair share of really bad films (so-bad-they’re-bad, that is), and it’s barely
even 68-minutes. It’s currently
available on Tubi and Amazon Prime, meaning free on the former and no ads on
the latter. 3/14/2021
Locke & Key: Season One OK/G
I do remember reading the comics in which this 10-episode
Netflix series is based, but I can’t remember a damn thing from them. I do remember liking them enough to continue
borrowing them from my local library though. According to Wikipedia, there are 6 collections
with a total of 37 issues and I’m not even sure I read all 6. Since
I forgot what I read in the comics, I basically went into this series
blind. A family of four move from the
West Coast to New England after a tragedy and discover several keys with
different powers in the house they move in to (one can look inside your mind,
one turns you into a ghost, one can start fires, etc.). I liked the characters and the setting (I
want that mansion in the middle of the woods!) and loved the first couple
episodes, but it unfortunately does lose steam somewhere in the middle and
seemed to include a lot of filler during the last half. It’s a shame too because I really thought I
was going to love this series judging on the first half. It is more fantasy than horror (although it
gets dark at times) despite the comics being written by Joe Hill (Stephen
King’s son, if you didn’t know by now) and there being references to the
legendary [special effects guru] Tom Savini, who even makes a cameo (as does
Mr. Hill). With said names involved, it
makes me wonder why it wasn’t more of a horror series. Anyway, it is still a binge-able show
(episodes ranging from 40 to 57 minutes), even though I was disappointed with
the second half, and I would be willing to tune in for at least another season
(preferably with less filler). 2/15/2020
The Lodge OK
A lodge in the middle of nowhere during the winter in I’m
guessing Massachusetts based on the license plates (at least set there). What a great location for a horror movie,
no? Two kids that just lost their mother
to a tragedy go stay at said lodge with their father’s new fiancรฉ around
Christmastime while he goes on a business trip.
This new fiancรฉ has a pretty shady history in which any movie, let alone
reality, would tell you to steer clear from.
There’s a twist towards the end, which isn’t even entirely shocking,
that actually makes the film less effective, silly even despite still
maintaining a very somber tone up until it ends. It’s a shame too because, in addition to anticipating
it for a while now, I had high hopes for this film in which the location and
atmosphere are superb and I actually liked where it was going before the twist. 2/21/2020
The Long Night G
A New York woman that grew up in a foster home travels to the south with her man in hopes of finding out who her real family is. The home they stay at is large with an expanse of land in the middle of the woods (perfect setting for a horror film, no?). The man that owns the home isn’t there on arrival (that’s not suspicious, no?) and by nightfall, a group of people looking like a satanic cult appear on the front lawn and just stand there for a while. Naturally you do eventually find out what they want. Now, as far as style goes, this film gets an A; the aerial location shots alone are stunning to behold and a very menacing ambiance thoroughly permeates. As for substance? There’s enough of it, I guess. It doesn’t quite feel like anything I haven’t seen before (like the majority of modern movies, I know), but the substantial amount of style and enough of a story (plus, it doesn’t exactly end on a cheerful note) allow me to give it a slight recommendation. 11/8/2022
Lords of Chaos VG
Mayhem. That infamous
Norwegian black metal band in which one member committed suicide and another
was murdered by another band member. I
always knew the story surrounding the band, as any metalhead or open-minded music
historian likely would, but that’s all I ever knew about them. Black metal was never my favorite metal
subgenre, but I have listened to bands like Emperor, Dimmu Borgir, Chthonic,
and, probably the most famous of them all, Cradle of Filth, Mayhem not being
one I ever truly got into. I am
definitely fascinated by the subculture surrounding the subgenre though (as
with most metal given it’s been one of my favorite music genres since 7th
grade; I’m 37 now). The beginning stated
this was “based on truth, lies, and what actually happened,” but as with any
work based on “fact,” I’m sure there were parts to this story that may have
been slightly fabricated. As with
anything based on history though, I viewed this as its own entity and whether
it entertained me or not. It did. I enjoyed this movie as should any
open-minded metalhead, music historian, or just historian, but I can certainly
never speak for anyone else, especially if they know more about the overall
story than I did (that being said, I’d be curious to hear what Mayhem fans think). It ultimately gave the members a human
quality, if that’s even the right description for a group of misanthropic,
church-burning musicians in which some are actually violent, even going so far
as labeling other death metal bands (particularly Swedish death metal) as “life
metal” since they appear to celebrate life (their words, not mine). It is fairly brutal at times for sensitive
viewers, as can be expected given the subject matter (I even flinched once or
twice), but I personally recommend it, highly.
2/24/2020
Luca G
Latest Disney/Pixar release set in Italy that’s literally a
“fish out of water” tale. I was reminded
of The Little Mermaid the most, but
the two films aren’t entirely alike. In
this world, sea monsters have the ability to become human if they exit the
water and avoid getting wet. The titular
boy learns this after coming across a fellow sea monster (roughly the same age)
named Alberto and they both enter a nearby city with a specific goal in mind. The animation was unsurprisingly gorgeous (I
kind of wish I saw it on the big screen), there were some funny moments, and I
believe people of all ages could be entertained (I enjoyed it for the most
part). Part of the ending may be too
uplifting and predictable yet also kind of expected given the studio it came
from and that it’s a family film. I
still think Inside Out is the best
film Pixar released last, and Soul
released just last Christmas was worthy too, and while it may be too soon to
claim I love this film now, I can definitely say it’s a keeper. 6/18/2021
M
Ma OK
Octavia Spencer once played a role in which she baked a pie
containing her own shit to get revenge on an employer (The Help). Here, she plays
the titular character, dubbed so by one of the teenagers she allows to party in
her basement, and while she may not use fecal matter, she gets revenge in other
ways, deadlier ways. While I’m sure the
average teenager would love a place to party without worrying about being
caught, no one initially thinks it odd that a woman old enough to be their
parent (especially not a parent to anyone either) living in the middle of
nowhere allows a bunch of you to party at her pad? And if one of the rules she enforces is not
to go upstairs, something must surely be up there and eventually we’re going to
find out (you do). Clearly Ma is
unhinged (as you should know before going in) and somewhere down the line you
know she’s going to snap. There’s a bit
of Annie Wilkes about her, Kathy Bates’ character in Misery for those that don’t know.
Bottom line, those you make fun of or wrong don’t necessarily forget (time
doesn’t always heal all wounds) and some people like Ma get revenge. This does get violent but not as much as I
would’ve thought and, overall, the film is nothing special, just okay, and not
worth seeing in the theater (unless you have a free pass like I did). Wait until it’s cheaper (or free) to watch at
home (I don’t think it’s even worth bargain time prices). 6/1/2019
Madres EH
A Mexican couple in America move from L.A. to a house in the countryside. The pregnant wife doesn’t know Spanish, so only parts are subtitled. Beginning as what could’ve been an atmospheric thriller gradually becomes a film with cheap jump scares, leading to a weak conclusion for which there was no intriguing mystery to begin with. A rather serious issue is brought to light that should be discussed, but this wasn’t the best movie it was brought to light in. 11/2/2021
Making and Unmaking
Shaun Rose reached out to me a while ago on social media
about checking out his film, Upstate
Story, and writing a review for it (you can check it out in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). We have since become friends on social media,
which is where I was informed of this new documentary available on YouTube (as
is Upstate Story; links provided
below). I’m always asked via social
media to review films and am usually up to the task, but I often don’t like the
films I’m asked to watch and I always tell the filmmaker(s) I’ll be completely
honest before going through with it. Upstate Story was one I actually liked,
it being an entertaining slice-of-life/realist picture that I feel deserved
more exposure. I do suggest you watch Upstate Story (and hopefully you’ll like
it) before checking this out, not only because it references that film a bit,
but also because why would you care about seeing a documentary on an
independent filmmaker you know nothing about?
This makes a good companion piece to that film, both being roughly an
hour, making it a 2-hour double feature, and I’m sure you’ve wasted the same
amount of time (or more) watching worse.
It chronicles mostly the endurance of making Upstate Story as well as other projects the multi-hyphenate Shaun,
who exhibits the demeanor of a serious filmmaker while also having a sense of
humor, worked on to no avail. Mr. Rose,
I have a feeling you could be on to bigger and greater things with the right
budget and/or distributor. In the
meantime, you all can possibly help make that happen by checking out his two
films and spreading the word! 12/20/2020
Upstate Story: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_klJBcnORZo]
Making and Unmaking: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DRKftjb-jKM]
Malibu Crush OK/G
I would never have heard of this indie comedy had director/writer/producer/star James Pratt not reach out to me asking to watch and review it. I do feel somewhat honored when asked even though I am always upfront in saying I’ll be honest in my review. I know filmmakers and critics aren’t meant to be friends, but I respect all filmmakers regardless of their finished products since I know the painstaking process of putting something on celluloid. Like I always say though, and what a professor once told me, content is the ultimate key. Well Mr. Pratt, for a film you informed me was shot on a $0 budget with a $1200 camera, I’m gonna have to say, not bad! James stars as an actor in California who travels to Australia with his roommate/best buddy posing as filmmakers to meet up with an old flame he allegedly had a son with. Things naturally go wrong once they arrive, these two not being the brightest of the bunch, but their idiocy is often funny as opposed to irritating or unfunny. There are funny moments, some laugh-out-loud, others internal (it was rather funny what happens when they finally meet up with this old flame). Now, I’m picky as all hell when it comes to comedies, especially if they’re not dark comedies, indie comedies, or are intended to make you laugh. There have been comedies that didn’t necessarily make me laugh, but were fun to watch and that works (I don’t always have the biggest sense of humor to begin with). This was fun enough and barely reaches the 72-minute mark, so it doesn’t overstay its welcome. I will say I liked this better than many Hollywood comedies featuring famous faces. Thank you, James Pratt, for making a film I didn’t hate. Oh, but one other thing---I came up with the word ‘pumpkinfucker’ years ago, way before that stupid Deadpool 2 movie as well, and can have several people attest to that, and I can prove it by pulling up posts in my social media history; so, sorry buddy, that is not your word! 11/10/2022
Maneater EH
(haiku review)
Another shark flick?!
Another one not that great!
Bloody? Sure. Still sucked. 10/25/2022
The Manor OK
Old folks in a home with “one foot in the grave” seeing a shape at night? Those claiming to see the shape eventually passing? No, that’s not sinister at all. Clearly something is amiss at the titular location and one woman, played by Barbara Hershey, recently admitted to this facility aims to get to the bottom of it. The big reveal is a bit clichรฉd, but it somewhat works in this film and there’s a slight mystery leading up to it. You do eventually get to see what the shape looks like and it’s not too disappointing albeit not exactly awe-inspiring. Surely, for some, to be a thought-provoking take on themes of age and aging. 11/2/2021
Marcel: The Shell with Shoes On OK
This was nominated for ‘Best Animated Feature Film’ at this year’s Oscars (Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio rightfully won, I think). This is a live-action film containing animated characters though, the animation being stop-motion, although I would’ve guessed CGI (The Chiodo Brothers---Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Critters, Ernest Scared Stupid---were involved). Apparently it’s based on some short films, none of which I’ve seen. The eponymous character is just that, a one-inch shell with one eye that wears shoes, living in an Airbnb with his grandmother. He’s documented by an “amateur” filmmaker and becomes somewhat of a celebrity after the videos are posted online. This is cute and funny at times, but speaking of shorts, it would’ve worked better as a short film (maybe 30, 40-minutes at most) since it feels drawn-out. It’s a shame too, because Marcel really is charming, but a feature-length film (almost 90-minutes) he did not belong. 3/20/2023
Mare of Easttown OK/G
I finally got around to seeing this HBO limited series
consisting of seven episodes all ranging around the hour mark, meaning it’s
roughly a total of seven hours. I heard
so many good things about it, but that never makes me want to check something
out since there are lots of critically-acclaimed shows and movies I have no
interest in; this is a series I actually did want to check out though. Mare is a detective played by Kate Winslet,
Easttown is the small town in Pennsylvania which she resides. A murder of a teenage girl spawns an
investigation, in addition to Mare grappling with personal issues as well as a
missing case involving another teenage girl gone a year prior. Mare doesn’t exactly have the most glamorous
life, as you can imagine. What
detective, real or fictional, truly would though? I don’t even expect visual entertainment to
be original anymore, although when something is original and successful, great,
but it is very hard to be entirely fresh in any art form these days. If I enjoy something though, and it is
unoriginal, it works for me; and I believe I may have said it before, but
characterizations are always a huge factor in making a story work. Having said that, this miniseries isn’t
original at all; it is no different than many other detective/murder mystery
features. Let’s see…there’s a small
town, this small town contains people with secrets, everyone is a potential
suspect, there are several red herrings, and there’s more than one revelation
at the end. Yes, it may not be original
(show me something that truly is these days), but it is generally watchable, we
do get to know the majority of characters enough, and there are no loose ends
when it’s over. Some parts do drag (less
than more though) and it may not be as dark as the first season of True Detective, nor as compelling, but
this is a decent murder mystery for those looking to watch something new in
that genre (I am glad I was able to binge it instead of waiting every week as
you’ll be able to as well via DVD or streaming---it’s currently available in
both form). 9/17/2021
Mary Had a Little Lamb EH/OK
Another childhood property bitten by the horror bug! There is a lady named Mary who lives deep in the woods with an adult son she calls her “little lamb.” This “little lamb” dons a lamb head and kills people. Yup, this is a backwoods horror flick and would be a very typical one had it not incorporated the famous nursery rhyme. What am I saying? It’s still typical. In it, a group of people travel to these woods due to a recent disappearance they want to look into for their radio program that covers cold cases. After getting lost, they stumble across this house that plainly screams Horror Movies 101 and enter it because the door is slightly ajar! There are some more dimwitted clichรฉs too. While we’re on the topic of clichรฉs, here’s another---the car conveniently doesn’t start when it needs to! Last Chance Lance in the latest issue of Rue Morgue stated this film was “better than it had any right to be!” No, I’ll say it wasn’t as atrocious as it could’ve been. Most of the violence is passable, and the isolated location (particularly woods) is always a welcome setting for the genre (read: fitting); plus there’s a somewhat worthy homage to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre at the end (a movie these films will always try to emulate!), but, like I said, without the integrated titular nursery rhyme elements, this is an indistinguishable backwoods horror flick. 3/16/2024
Max Winslow and the
House of Secrets OK/G
Five teenagers from a high school in Arkansas are chosen to
play a game in a “futuristic” mansion and the winner gets the mansion. It may sound a bit like Willy Wonka/Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but not quite. The house does have a mind of its own, not in
the haunted sense, but in the technological/I-control-everything sense. The five players must overcome certain
“obstacles” in regards to why they were all chosen in the first place. It may have been a bit of fun, but it
could’ve gone to darker places than it did (although it is only rated-PG), and,
ultimately, it ended a bit too sappily (meaning positively and/or clichรฉd) for
my tastes; of course taste is subjective and mine differ from many others
though. 12/13/2020
The McPherson Tape OK/G
Found
footage film from 1989 also known as UFO
Abduction. I’m surprised it’s not
talked about in regards to found footage films, especially since it predated The Blair Witch Project by a decade, a
film claimed to be responsible for jumpstarting the subgenre. Yes, Cannibal
Holocaust came out in 1980 and is said to have influenced Daniel Myrick and
Eduardo Sanchez’s film, but it’s emphatically known more as a cannibal film
over a found footage one. This film
takes place at night in 1983 during a birthday party at a house in the
mountains before the men go to investigate strange lights that landed
nearby. Lo and behold, they come across
a spaceship and aliens (they look like stereotypical ones you’d expect), so
back to the house they run after being seen.
The film is suspenseful for a good deal and tense at times (it probably
puts that aforementioned Witch movie
to shame in regards to shaky cameras, at least in the beginning), and had I not
seen an overabundance of found footage films, or at least have actually seen it
in 1989, it might’ve ended up legendary (at least to me). It’s not a great film, no, but it’s worth an
hour of your time (roughly) and currently available on Shudder. 4/14/2021
Meander G
This
French film which might take place in America based on an early scene can
probably be summed up as a combination of Cube
and Saw (yes, since it’s a French
film, there are subtitles for roughly 90% of the dialogue). A Frenchwoman ends up in a labyrinthine sort
of interconnected tunnels laced with booby traps (Jigsaw almost may even be
given a run for his money) among other things after being picked up by a
stranger. This movie was undeniably
suspenseful, might vicariously make some claustrophobic, and is actually
violent when it wants to be. The ending
will likely be open-ended for many, but I liked my conclusion (which I believe
to actually be the right one, but you never know) in regards to everything that
came before. I was quite surprised at
how I generally enjoyed this film I basically only rented from Redbox since I
had a promo code and saw it was a new horror release. 7/5/2021
Mean Girls EH/OK
It sure doesn’t seem like it’s been 20 years since the release of the original film, a film that’s one of the few worthy teen movies released after the Nineties. This remake/update/variation/whatever was written by Tina Fey, who also wrote and made an appearance in the original (she makes an appearance here too, as do at least two others from the original). Apparently there’s a Broadway musical of Mean Girls which this film is based, but, since the musical is based on the 2004 film (needless to say), everything happens exactly the same right down to exact quotes used. Yeah, there are a few differences, the biggest obviously being the musical parts, which aren’t as cringe-inducing as one would think, some even a bit catchy, but I think they would appeal most to those that are fans of Disney Channel musicals and such. Updating scenes with musical numbers may seem innovative, as opposed to a strictly regular teen movie remake, but perhaps it should be kept on the stage. As far as films go, I say stick to the original; it is much more fetch! 3/5/2024
Meg 2: The Trench EH
The Meg was the biggest disappointment of 2018 (you can read my review for it in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/08/mooby-reviews-81218.html). My expectations weren’t exactly high for this sequel, but I was curious, especially after seeing a preview containing a T-Rex. Said scene only takes place in the beginning during a prologue. It was probably the best part of the movie. Don’t get me wrong, this does have its moments (a POV from the shark’s mouth devouring victims being one, a shark vs. giant octopus scene actually wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, and the sharks themselves, yes, plural, don’t look too bad), but nowhere near enough to recommend it. Rotten Tomatoes said it best---It isn't without its fun moments, but Meg 2: The Trench suffers from a disjointed story that drifts for too long before finally delivering a few campy thrills. One critic, as well, said, “While the action-filled climax is a delight, too much of the first two acts doesn't work.” It is largely lacking during the first half, humans being the primary evil ones, and the last third gets a little more exciting, but, again, not enough to wade through the roughly 2-hour film. This really is just a big dumb action movie, with sharks, and other creatures. 12/30/2023 M3GAN OK/G
It received a rating of 93% (as of this writing) out of roughly 300 critics on Rotten Tomatoes, there were memes created, and a sequel is already planned. Surely there must be something special about this killer doll film, no? I watched both the rated and unrated versions (both currently available on Peacock), and I usually like to watch the rated version first (if given the option since that’s what the general population is initially given). There are only a few scenes (you can count them on one hand) that are a bit gorier in the unrated one, but there may have also been a few more “F” bombs, if I’m not mistaken. In other words, go for the unrated version if you prefer your films a tad more violent. [Sometimes an unrated version is completely different, such as Dead Alive, that zombie movie Peter Jackson did before The Lord of the Rings films, which was much, much gorier than the rated version, which I saw first]. The titular creation (the spelling is an acronym) comes about when a woman is forced to care for her niece and thereafter given an idea for a plaything (that being a 4-foot doll with sentient qualities). As with all technology in entertainment that seems too good to be true, eventually bad things happen. Do you think Megan goes after the ignorant neighbor and her aggressive dog, plus the bully of the little girl she’s created to protect? Of course she does; it’s just a matter of how and when. Although this is marketed as a killer doll flick, it’s more of a killer robot flick. Whatever, it involves an item that kills. Was it overrated? Possibly, but not necessarily. I enjoyed it, a little, for being nothing more than what it set out to be, but I don’t think it was anything super, super special. 2/25/2023
Men OK/G
After an incident involving her soon-to-be ex-husband in London, a woman travels to the English countryside. Eventually, things get weird and truly bizarre by the end, often making me think I was watching a David Lynch movie (Alex Garland directed it, who also directed Annihilation, which I was a big fan of, and wrote 28 Days Later and Never Let Me Go; check out my review for Annihilation here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/03/mooby-reviews-3818.html). I’ll admit I did look up explanations afterwards, even watching a making-of featurette, and one was very close to my interpretation (the director even alluded there may be different conclusions in that featurette). There is nothing quite like this movie out there, at least in execution, and, for that, it deserves some recognition. Of course unique doesn’t necessarily mean acceptable, but I found much of this to be oddly transfixing (hence the David Lynch reference). It obviously won’t be for everyone and will likely instigate discussions, polarizing or otherwise, but try and keep them civil (like always) as this is only a movie and people are different (needless to say). 8/10/2022
Mickey Saves Christmas B
(haiku review)
Love Disney; not this!
The look of this new short sucked!
Content was bland too. 12/4/2022
*Available on Disney+*
The Midnight Club (Season One) OK
I read the book of the same name by Christopher Pike not that long ago and knew it was more dramatic than scary. You think I would’ve been prepared for the same thing here, but adaptations don’t always need to be faithful. This is the fourth Netflix series created by Mike Flanagan and apparently he often merges drama with horror, emphasis on the drama, especially with The Haunting of Hill House (you can read my review for that in here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/11/mooby-reviews-11718.html). I liked his other two series, The Haunting of Bly Manor and Midnight Mass, better, but even they weren’t always focused on horror (my review for Bly is here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/10/the-haunting-of-bly-manor.html, Mass is here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2021/09/midnight-mass.html). Now, there’s nothing necessarily wrong with mixing genres, but there is something wrong when the tones don’t always seem compatible, like it occurred here and in Hill House. If you never read the book or know nothing about this series, a group of terminally ill teenagers stay at a hospice and gather in a room at midnight to tell stories. It sometimes felt like there was an Are You Afraid of the Dark? vibe going on, but it never reached the potential I felt it truly could have. Some of the stories told were fine (most of the horror variety, luckily all shown instead of told), myself only recalling some parts of the book as they occurred, and I liked the general camaraderie amongst the cast (it definitely made for a unique, albeit depressing, kind of teen entertainment), but there were only occasional moments of fright and the ending of the last episode exposed an entirely new subplot that likely won’t be too surprising if explained in another season (as cliffhangers often tend to provide false promises). Plus, there are ten episodes all ranging roughly between 50 and 60-minutes with many of them actually feeling that long. I guess you can say I had a love-hate relationship with this. I just had higher expectations, that’s all. 10/16/2022
Midnight Mass OK/G
New limited series available on Netflix consisting of seven
episodes totaling roughly seven hours (yes, each one is around the hour mark,
give or take). It was created by Mike
Flanagan, who also gave us The Haunting
of Hill House and The Haunting of Bly
Manor, as well as films like Ouija:
Origin of Evil, Gerald’s Game,
and Doctor Sleep. I was disappointed with Hill House because I expected straight-up horror, but it was
equally a drama and I didn’t think the combination worked (you can read my
review for it here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2018/11/mooby-reviews-11718.html). I did like Bly Manor a bit better because I knew to expect more of a gothic
romance going in (you can read my review for that here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2020/10/the-haunting-of-bly-manor.html). I expected this to be a horror series and,
while it does contain horror elements scattered here and there, it doesn’t
truly show its horror self until the end of the sixth episode into the last
one. Part of me thinks it was worth the
wait, but the other part of me didn’t think it needed to occur so far into the
series (prepare to be patient during the first couple episodes). I think this could’ve sufficed as a 3-hour
feature, give or take. There are too
many lengthy scenes of dialogue, and not in the compelling Quentin Tarantino or
(pre-Jersey Girl) Kevin Smith kind of
way, but more in the “let’s get this wrapped up” kind of way. As much as it dragged at times though, I did
want to continue, and that might be because I sensed something horrific was
always right around the corner and
that it was only seven episodes. It’s a
vampire story, at least set up like one (the v-word is never mentioned), that
takes place on an isolated island of people where religion appears to be a
commonality. I was really hoping it
would make organized religion look bad, and it sort of does, but that could be a
topic up for debate. Cons aside, I think
it’s a limited series worth checking out, although it definitely could’ve been
condensed. 9/26/2021
Midsommar OK/G
The director, Ari Aster, was also behind last year’s Hereditary which I thought was overrated
but still didn’t dislike it (you can read my review for it in the
archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com; click on January under 2019). I didn’t dislike this either. For the most part. It is almost 2 ½ hours and certainly feels
so, so you definitely need patience.
Knowing it was marketed as a horror movie, I knew something sinister was
behind this outwardly peaceful Swedish cult community, as should anyone that’s
seen similar movies. Some of it is
predictable as well (again, if you’ve seen movies before it will be). Aside from needing the aforementioned
patience though, the film generally had my attention until it got too bizarre towards
the end (never thought I’d say that).
The conclusion appeared to be weird just for the sake of being weird and
instead of making me think back to prior events, it just made me want to read
Wikipedia’s synopsis to see if I missed something (which I did do and it did
provide some info that I failed to pick up while watching). Perhaps it was too much to take in the first
time? It’s happened before so
perhaps. Ari Aster definitely knows how
to make movies with an apparent love for the horror genre, but perhaps his next
film will be his crowning achievement in my opinion? Perhaps.
10/9/2019
Mindhunter: Season One and Two
Netflix series about FBI agents trying to figure out why
serial killers/murderers do what they do, taking place in the late Seventies up
to the very early Eighties. There is
really no action in this series (especially the first season) as this is
strictly about the characters, and if you don’t like the characters, this may
not be the series for you. I grew quite
fond of Jonathan Groff (Looking; also
a fellow queer in real life) and even the hulking Holt McCallany (I still can’t
believe he once played that American Indian thug in Creepshow 2). I know the majority
of visual media is from an omniscient viewpoint wherein the viewer plays God,
but you basically shadow these people as they do their jobs, hence the no
action. The characters did play a huge
part, but I never felt like I forced myself to continue and there was something
strangely compelling that made me want to keep watching. The topic of serial killers has been done
countless times before too (Ed Kemper, David Berkowitz, and Charles Manson among
others are portrayed here). There was a
bit of a mystery during the second season, shot in a True Detective-ish fashion, surrounding Atlanta murders of the time
that are allegedly still unsolved to this day (according to end credits). David Fincher (Seven, The Game, Fight Club, Panic Room, Zodiac), the
executive producer and director of several episodes, likely had a part in stylizing
this dark drama. I didn’t give this a
rating (either season since I binged it as one long one) because I don’t want
to feel unfair and I don’t want to feel like I’m giving it too much
credit. Put it this way, I’m a bit
bummed I have no more episodes to watch despite sitting through 19 of them (none
of which were exactly short). Supposedly
Mr. Fincher plans on making five seasons.
Well, he better get crackin’ before I forget what already happened and
I’m not re-watching these two seasons (Wikipedia might prevent me from doing
that too, of course). 9/17/2019
The setting is Korea during the early 16th
century. A creature (the eponymously
named) is said to be killing people and causing a plague throughout the land (a
plague that once ravaged the land years before). Many believe it to be mythical, but we and
all the characters learn it to be very real.
We do get to see the creature and, while it’s obviously not practical, I
didn’t hate it, and they do an acceptable job of integrating it fairly
seamlessly amongst the set locations and action sequences (I can forgive CGI
under the right circumstances, even though I will always prefer
practical). It actually managed to hold
your attention during the scenes without the creature as well. While not an excellent film (a moment
involving flatulence wasn’t exactly necessary), I’d say it’s a sufficiently
recommendable historical creature feature.
Available on Shudder. 8/7/2020
Morbid Stories OK
Mr. Mercedes: Season Two OK
I never read the trilogy of novels by someone named Stephen
King---Mr. Mercedes, Finders Keepers, and End of Watch, released
in that order---but I do own the first two and hope to one day read them,
preferably when this series isn’t so fresh in my mind. That being said, I went into this season, as
well as the last, blind with nothing to compare it to. I enjoyed the first season enough (you can
read my review for it in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com), but
wasn’t sure it needed to be ten (roughly hour long) episodes. I was curious to see how another ten-episode
season would pan out (this time, all roughly 50-minutes, give or take), let
alone a third season which was recently released on DVD (and I’m also curious
as to how that season will pan out based on the end of this season). At the end of the first season, the titular
villain (played by Harry Treadaway) ends up in a coma after a certain incident
and is now watched over by several people here, including Bill Hodges, the
detective played by the Irish-as-they-come, Brendan Gleeson, complete with his
signature brogue. They made it a bit
interesting when showing the inside of his mind while in this coma and when he
eventually gained a specific supernatural-ish ability. It’s too soon to tell since I haven’t seen season
three yet and haven’t read any of the novels as previously mentioned, but it felt
like this season was mostly filler between the previous and upcoming season (as
of now, according to Wikipedia, a fourth season is uncertain, so season three
might very well be the last one---makes sense…three books, three seasons). One, I made it this far, so I am going to
continue. Two, I did still kinda like
tuning into this universe and wanted more when it ended. And three, like always, I’m going to watch
anything with Mr. King’s name attached (in hopes it’s not as bad as Kingdom Hospital). 9/9/2020
Mr. Mercedes: Season Three OK
I said this at the beginning of my review of the previous
season---[I never read the trilogy of novels by someone named Stephen King---Mr.
Mercedes, Finders Keepers, and End of Watch, released in that
order---but I do own the first two and hope to one day read them, preferably
when this series isn’t so fresh in my mind.
That being said, I went into this season, as well as the last, blind
with nothing to compare it to]---and it still applied here (you can read my
entire review for both season one and two in the archives---www.abcreviewarchive.blogspot.com). [POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD] Something happened to the titular character
at the end of the last season which caused him to be M.I.A. this time, aside
from a few brief moments here and there that might not have even been played by
Harry Treadaway. This season focuses on
previous characters in addition to some new ones that were affected by Mr.
Mercedes, specifically an incident he caused in season one. Like the last two seasons, this one also
contained ten roughly 50-minute (give or take) episodes and I never felt like I
forced myself to continue, which makes me wonder if my rating should be higher. On the other hand, it also felt like a cash
grab that was a bit unnecessary in the sense it overstayed its welcome by
adding more characters, but, like I said, I haven’t read any of the source
material, so I don’t know what faithfully made it to the screen, what was
omitted, or what may have been added. In
other words, I thought it was an unnecessary season while simultaneously
thinking it wasn’t that bad, enough to want to continue, if I can say anything for
those planning on watching it anyway. So
far, a fourth season isn’t planned and I hope it stays that way! Let the series end here, if anything, before
it really overstays its welcome. 10/30/2020
Monsters of California B/EH
A member of Blink-182 directed a sci-fi film? Of course I was curious. Tom DeLonge is that member; he also co-wrote and co-produced it. I was a big fan of the pop-punk trio’s first two albums (Cheshire Cat and Dude Ranch), which I do still listen to if the songs pop up on my iPod. I was a fan of the third album (Enema of the State), but that was when they gradually started becoming a “boy band.” I stopped following them after the fourth album (Take Off Your Pants and Jacket). They made four albums since and happen to be coming out with another one shortly. Anyway, about this movie. I had zero hope for it the moment a famous cryptid urinated in a character’s mouth, and I believe that wasn’t even towards the middle. There are no more bizarre moments like that afterwards, but it is generally a flat sci-fi comedy (I guess that’s what it was going for) involving conspiracy theories and some other shit, i.e. guy meets girl, said guy tries figuring out what happened to his father, hints of otherworldly phenomena (hints meaning you don’t get much in that department, so don’t expect much), and it began as a sort of Ghostbusters-ish movie! It tries to be existential too, failing miserably, and the payoff is as weak as they come. Can you infer that I wasn’t a fan of this movie? Tom, if this debut is any indication, you should stick to your other career, although I, personally, haven’t preferred that for years either (as mentioned above). If you do plan on making another movie, it better be better than this…10/9/2023
Monstrum G
Morbid Stories OK
Social media is nice sometimes. Like in this case where I was sent a direct
message from one of the writers/producers of this film asking if I would watch
and review the movie. I was given a link
with a code to watch for free, but you can also watch it for free if you have
an Amazon Prime account (see link below).
Filmmakers, let it be known I will gladly watch your movie, review it,
and spread the word as much as I can. And
I’m pretty much game if it’s a horror movie and/or an anthology film like this
one. Now, as for whether I like it or
not…I always inform anyone that I will review the film as long as they don’t
mind me being honest. I am very picky
with modern films and don’t want to come off as fake or somewhat condescending by
saying I like a movie simply because I know those involved or whatever. Also, I give all filmmakers and all other
crew members credit just for making a film (even if they completely suck) since
I’ve been behind the scenes and know how arduous and disorganized the whole
process can be. Like one of my film
production teachers in college once said though, “content is key,” and the
content is what I and everyone else is going to judge the final product
on. That being said, what did I think of
this anthology film involving a vampire/zombie epidemic across all of
America? It is obviously low-budget and
largely unoriginal, but it wasn’t the worst horror anthology that I’ve seen (or
movie for that matter), but it was also no Creepshow/Creepshow 2, Trick ‘r Treat, Tales from
the Hood, etc. It takes place in
several states, the wraparound in California according to a license plate (although
I would’ve guessed a southwest region like Arizona) where we hear about the
aforementioned epidemic on the radio a young woman is listening to after a
recent break-up. The first story takes
place in New York, involves vampires, and is rather lame (in execution and
story). The second one also takes place
in California, involves a Ouija board, and finishes rather disappointingly
after a somewhat decent buildup. The
third and fourth were my faves of the bunch.
The third takes place in Delaware at a rental home where a writer faces
off against something in the attic. It
is the most suspenseful entry despite not exactly being fresh when all is said
and done. The fourth was an interesting
one taking place in Florida where a girl tries repressing her recent vampiric
tendencies to mostly no avail. It’s also
the first time I’ve seen what happens when a vampire is bitten by a zombie, but
not vice versa. Like I said, it isn’t
the best horror anthology film I’ve seen, but you might disagree, so why not
support an independent film crew by at least watching this and then spreading
the word for potential fans. 11/4/2019
Check out the trailer here:
Check out the IMDb page here:
Check out the movie itself for free on Amazon Prime here
(account needed):
The Mortuary
Collection G
Anthology film available on Shudder featuring Clancy Brown,
known as the evil stepfather in Pet
Sematary Two and the evil prison
guard in The Shawshank Redemption
among many other roles, as a funeral director in a small town called Raven’s
End telling stories to a potential new hire (the wraparound segment). Brown’s character states in the beginning
that “it isn’t the length of the story that matters, but the quality of the
content.” That is certainly true for any
story, especially short stories, and the first tale is a very short one that wasn’t
bad in retrospect, but wasn’t long enough to invest in, it involving a creature
behind a mirror. The second tale
involves a world in which men can get pregnant while having unprotected
sex. It may sound asinine in theory, but
it actually worked and you can probably only imagine how graphic a birth will
be. The one after that contains a man
advised by a doctor of a way to get rid of his ill wife sooner, and I probably
don’t need to say that nothing good happens as a result (hint---nothing does). The final tale involves a babysitter, there’s
even a film-within-the-film titled The
Babysitter Murders which was actually a working title for the original Halloween, with a twist I actually
didn’t figure out until close to the end, and the end reminded me of a short
story by Roald Dahl that worked here and made the segment a bit darker. That last tale ties in with the wraparound
segment and leads to a comeuppance that’s delightfully well-deserved. Overall, it’s not the greatest anthology film
I’ve seen, but it’s definitely a worthy collection. Put it this way, I didn’t dislike any of the
segments, even the first one that was too short, and that’s always a plus for
anthology films! 3/25/2021
The Mosquito Coast (Season
One) OK/G
I like Justin Theroux, previously known as Mr. Aniston and
performer in titles like Mulholland Drive,
The Leftovers, and (lol) Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion
among many others, which is why I gave this Apple+ series a shot in the first
place. It recently ended the first
season after just seven episodes (all longer than 40 minutes but under an hour)
and a second season has been confirmed.
In it, Justin plays the father of an American family (including a wife,
daughter, and son) that has to live in hiding for some reason (which you won’t
know the answer for this season, hence a second one at least) and must flee to
Mexico when certain people are in pursuit.
For the most part, the action follows them before crossing the border
and while they’re in Mexico. It may not
be a great show, but I can’t deny how addicting it was, enabling me to tune in
every week (yes, this is another modern show that hasn’t gotten with the times),
and not just because I like Mr. Theroux.
I do wish they would’ve just added a few more episodes to this season
(if anything) instead of making a whole new one because I don’t know how much
longer it can sustain its somewhat welcome before becoming less addicting. 6/6/2021
Mr. Harrigan’s Phone OK
I did read the story from Stephen King’s 2020 collection, If It Bleeds, and according to my review of the book, I said it was “simple with an air of predictability.” That’s pretty much how I would describe this adaptation available on Netflix (I didn’t remember much from the story before watching). It’s largely a coming-of-age drama with a dash of thriller involving a boy given the task of reading books to the man of the title due to his diminishing eyesight. He does this from a young age all the way through high school until the old man passes. Before he died, the boy gifted him a cell phone and he appears to still receive messages from him posthumously, among other things. It does contain that cozy ‘small town in New England’ vibe common for a Stephen King tale (here, it takes place in Maine, as they often do). One of my dreams is to live in such a town; the harsh winters being the main reason preventing that dream. Anyway, the narrative feels rushed at times, it doesn’t get as ominous as it could be, and it felt incomplete by the time it was over. Ultimately, like my description of the story, it’s simple with an air of predictability. Part of me did enjoy that cozy ‘small town in New England’ vibe though (perhaps why my rating may seem a tad too kind). Not one of the best King adaptations. 10/6/2022
Mulan OK
Well, I didn’t dislike it like I did the majority of
live-action Disney remakes released in the last couple years, even the one
helmed by Tim Burton, one of my favorite directors. Gone is the super catchy, ultra-conservative,
anti-non-binary tune, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You,” as are all musical numbers,
but its potent message of female empowerment remains (Mulan is one that
actually walks the walk). Being this is
115-minutes and the 1998 animated film was only 88, a few things were added
here and it did feel a bit longer than it should’ve been; it’s rated PG-13 too,
so there is violence, but I don’t recall any of it being bloody. The film does look great, most big-budget
action films tend to, but I still prefer the animated version. 11/17/2020
The Munsters EH
Confession---I’ve never seen a single episode of the TV series that originally aired for 2 seasons from 1964 to 1966. I do admire Rob Zombie enough to have wanted to check out this new film he wrote and directed, which is an origin story (currently available on Netflix). I will admit he’s gone downhill over the years, one person I used to know even labeling him a hack, but I liked him most from his White Zombie days and early solo days, plus his early films, to want to keep following him. My favorite film of his is probably The Devil’s Rejects, and I also liked House of 1000 Corpses (pretty much his version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and The Lords of Salem (aged better over time); his two Halloween films, although unnecessary, were entertaining trash (especially the second one). I was disappointed with 31 and 3 From Hell pretty much ruined the end of The Devil’s Rejects, although I didn’t necessarily hate the film on its own (you can read my review for 31 here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2016/11/mooby-reviews-111416.html, and 3 From Hell here---https://vampireclown82.blogspot.com/2019/10/3-from-hell.html). I can say this is his worst movie so far, but should I really lump it in with the rest of his oeuvre since it’s clearly not a horror flick? It still counts as an entry though, so why not? Even though I may not have seen a single episode of the series, I still viewed this as its own work of art (as should all individual films be viewed), and as if the show never existed. I very much know the show was a comedy and I didn’t expect this film to be any different. Frankly, I just didn’t have any fun with it. The storyline follows many a rom-com plot (i.e. Daddy doesn’t approve of his daughter’s mate), the style being the only distinguishable element. Mr. Zombie sure does have style, there’s no denying that, but style only goes so far, especially when there’s little to no substance (like here). I’m unsure how I’d feel if I actually watched the show and/or was a fan. Rob definitely needs a comeback, in both film and music (The Sinister Urge is the last album of his that stood out for me, and that wasn’t even as good as Hellbilly Deluxe). 9/27/2022
My Best Friend’s Exorcism EH/OK
I was interested in checking out the book written by Grady Hendrix, but never got around to it. Judging by this adaptation, available on Amazon Prime, it probably looked better on paper. It takes place in the Eighties---entertainment set during that decade is old hat by now, but it’s still fun to watch as that time period was very unique and put out some of the best films and music (I was born in 1982 so I wasn’t old enough to appreciate those years)---and contains elements of Mean Girls and The Exorcist. The high school scenes generally never felt fresh, the exorcism in question felt poorly executed, and the special effects were subpar, especially the demon we see at the end (he kind of reminded me of Smeagol from The Lord of the Rings films). All the elements for a good story are here, so maybe one day I will check out the book as long as this movie wasn’t an entirely faithful adaptation. 10/1/2022
---Sean O.
